A weak rant at my mom, whom I love dearly

The BBQ Pit
1

Mom,

I called you today and told you about having to put my cat Uhura to sleep. I explained how the cancer had left her nothing, and I had no real choice. You were sympathetic. You supported me. You reaffirmed all the reasons I think you and dad are two of the best people I know, parents or no. But…when it came to talking about possible treatements for Uhura, I mentioned that even if she had had a good prognosis, it would have been a long road to recovery. And then you said it. “Yea, and it would have been expensive too.” What the fuck??? What does that have to do with anything? Money. Money is important. But when a member of the family is hurting, what does it matter? Nothing. Not a bit. You may not understand. When I was growing up, we never had pets. You didn’t believe in them. Maybe that dog that bit you when you were a child turned you off to the concept totally, I don’t know. I have discovered in my adult life that a pet can not only be a nice thing, but a valuable thing. Your automatic thought about money hurt me and diminished what my pets mean to me. I, for the first time in my life, am disapointed in you, mom. Had I been a special needs child, would you have chosen the easy way out? Of course not, I know that. But you must know that for many of us, pets are important members of our family. For the first time I feel that I am better than you. I know that I disappoint you because I don’t toe the line of a 2000 year old superstition. Guess what? There are dozens of people who realize that I am a pretty special man. My friends know that my compassion is unlimited, and my presence is valued. I have done all that without recourse to your achient God. YOU and dad did that. I owe all I am to you, and I know I’m pretty fantastic. YOU taught me to be content in myself, content in my life and happy with life. Yet…yet…the dimishment of my grief to a simple monetary formula hurt me. A lot. Please don’t do it again.
I love you,

Dave

2

**

Remember that I did leave a sympathetic note in your Uhura thread. However I do have to say that I think your mother has a point. I’ve loved every dog and cat I owned but I still wouldn’t go through as much to rescue them as I would for a human family member. Maybe I’m just a cold bastard but if it is going to cost 500 bucks to fix Kitty then I’m probably just going to put her to sleep.

**

I don’t see how anyone elses thoughts could diminish what your pet meant to you. I don’t think that is possible. Even if you were a special needs child you still would have been human. Most people put the importance of a human above the importance of a beloved pet.

**

Well maybe in her own way she was trying to make you feel better about your decision. I know if I was injured bad enough I’d rather die then have my family waste all the money trying to cure me.

Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

Marc

3

Weirddave, some people still can’t figure out that a pet can be a family member. I know it hurts that your mom has this failing, though.

I suppose there is a monitary limit to how much I’d spend on one of my cats too, but it’d be pretty high. And each person has to set their own limit. It’s not for anyone else to decide how much is “too much” to spend on a pet. It just depends on the circumstances, the pet, and the outcome. (For instance, if I had to go into major debt to give my cat 6 months of semi-uncomfortable life, I’d probably not do it. But if $800 would give the cat several years of good life, hey - here’s my Mastercard.) We all have our own limits. Your mom made a mistake of mentioning her own “limits” to you. You obviously have different limits for pets - maybe she’ll never understand that. I’m sorry she didn’t keep this to herself. She’s obviously a very good woman, but just doesn’t “get” this one thing. And mentioning it at this vulnerable time really bruised your feelings. I am so sorry.

An aside: One of my sister’s LEAST favorite cats, Fawg, had a run-in with a baby rattlesnake years ago. Fawg was always a stupid, rather mean-spirited cat, but hey, he’s one of her cats. So when he got the snake bite, we rushed him to the emergency vet. The cost to (hopefully) save him was $500. (Fawg clearly wasn’t worth it! :wink: ) My sister called the friend she was living with to get his approval to spend the money. He said, “OK, I guess so - even if it is just Fawg.” Fawg lived, lives today, still is dull-witted, misses the dirt box regularly, and a general pain in the ass. But I know my sister doesn’t regret spending the money, even if it was just Fawg! (She does yell at him occasionally, telling him she shouldn’t have wasted her money!)

See - some people even pay tons of dough to save cats they don’t like! :wink: I know Uhura was worth a great deal to you, and money wasn’t an issue. I’m sorry your mom doesn’t understand that - but plenty of us do.

4

Weirddave,

I’m sorry about your cat. I’ve been in a similar situation. My dog was diagnosed with bone cancer a couple weeks before Christmas last. Bone cancer is very aggressive and painful, and if we did nothing he would have only lasted a few months. We decided on surgery and chemotherapy (which BTW, is nothing at all like chemo in humans. Our pup came through it with flying colors). Big money, you bet. My own mother thinks we’re certifiable, though she hasn’t come right out and said so in that many words. But it really doesn’t matter, because one thing she taught me growing up is that you have to stand up for what you think is right and what you believe in, and the hell with what anyone else thinks - even if it IS your own mom who doesn’t agree!

I’m afraid a lot of people want to attach a monetary value to all things - up to and including human lives as well (anyone who uses an HMO for their medical care knows exactly what I mean). When it comes to pets, some folks will just never be able to understand you can’t put a price on the kind of love you share with them. I don’t think your mom was trying to hurt your feelings, she just doesn’t get it. I personally feel sorry for people who have never had a relationship with a pet, because they really are missing something special.

Perhaps sometime when you are not feeling so upset about losing your cat, you could talk to your mom about your feelings. She sounds like a wonderful person and I bet she would at least try to understand, which is a lot more than can be said for quite a few other people.

5

When my Shar-Pei was having trouble with allergies, I spent about $500 total for vet visits, allergy shots and meds, and special shampoos and foods to relieve his misery. It’s worth it to me because I love him very much and he’s my doggie. He loves me and depends on me to take care of him and see that he’s healthy. He can now romp outside without getting all itchy and miserable, and I’m glad I did it.

People thought I was crazy because at the time I had a very tight budget, but I didn’t feel I had an option. You have a pet, you take care of it. (collective you)

Zette

6

Weirddave, based on what you’ve shared in the Op, I think you should lighten up on your mom.

I’ve got a cat too, and if she were sick and there was a chance that she could regain a decent quality of life, I’d spend any amount of money on treatment. I shelled out $400 without blinking when she blew out her knee and had to have surgery to fix it. Yet, when I read “I mentioned that even if she had had a good prognosis, it would have been a long road to recovery,” I thought, “Yep, and it’d send the vet’s kids to college.” I probably wouldn’t have put it in those words to your face, but still.

Your mom wasn’t saying, “Even if she might have recovered, you should have put her down anyway because it would be too expensive.” That would have been out of line. Yeah, it would be unconscionable to say what she said about a child, but the fact remains that it’s a cat. You get a cat knowing that it will only be part of your life for so long, and then you’ll have to let it go.

Yes, it hurt your feelings, but suddenly it’s not about the cat, anymore, it’s about your mom’s childhood and conflict with your parents over religion and your friends valuing your presence??? Unless your mom said something more than you related in your OP, you’re blowing an offhand comment way out of proportion.

7

I can see why Dave is pissed.

I once had this friend named Muffin, a little white mutt of uncertain breeding. For what she lacked in pedigree she made up for with character and loyalty. My nickname for her was My petite fleur (little flower).

She used to gleefully jump on everyone who came through the front door so I trained her to lie down at the edge of the entry and wait for people to get their stuff hung up. Every day that I came home and opened the door she would be lying there with her nose between her paws and tail wagging.

I would walk to the livingroom, sit down and snap my fingers at which point she would race down the hall, leap over the couch and curl up on my lap. She went with me everywhere, when she had puppies I was the only human allowed to come close to her babies. We took a great many hikes in the mountains, walked the beaches of Penticton, and chased countless seagulls. She loved to go sailing with me and knew where to sit to help me get the best balance. She would lie on the foot of my bed and guard me while I slept.

I came home from work one day and was bothered when my “little flower” wasn’t waiting for me, I found her sleeping in her room and I had to call her a few times before she came to me. Because she had been suffereing from a bug a few weeks earlier I thought she was just having a little relapse. She came outside with me and as I chatted with my neighbour she layed at my feet.

I knew something was wrong when her arch nemesis known as my neighbours cat walked five feet in front of her and she didn’t budge.

I made the trip to the vet’s office in record time and after examining her and taking some tests I was informed that Muffin had been poisoned with antifreeze. It causes irreversible kidney damage and results in a long painful death.

The vet said there might be a chance that the poison could be flushed from her system but the cost would be quite high.

Money wasn’t a consideration. I told the vet I would be willing to pay whatever it took if she could recover. We even discussed a kidney transplant which would have cost tens of thousands of dollars. I had enough money to cover this and was prepared to put her on a plane to wherever she had to go but in the end it was time we didn’t have. She passed away a few days after being admitted.

All through this my ex was critical of how much this treatment and care was costing. A few friends thought I was nuts to even consider spending that much money and they ran a high risk of being decked for their commentary.

I took a few days off from work and built her coffin from solid pine. I lined it with her blanket and favourite toys and drove to the vets office to get her. From there I drove to my friends house at the base of a mountain. Halfway up there was a meadow where Muffin and I spent countless hours playing. It took me an hour to carry her up there and most of the day to dig her grave. She’s buried way in the back under a small mountain of rocks and in the shade of some majestic pine trees.

Funny how some of us feel about our fuzzy friends huh?

8

Umm…actually, that’s exactly what she was saying. Hence this post.

Sorry, that’s the one place we still go toe to toe. It kinda…leaked thru in the OP. You’re right, it had no place here.

And thanks for your kind words, everybody.

9

Okay, sorry. What I took away from the OP was something along the lines of, “You lost your cat, but at least you didn’t empty your bank account.”

I’m glad you’ll forgive your mom her slip-up. As you say, since she’s not a pet owner, she probably just doesn’t understand. And, since I didn’t say it yet, and should have, condolences on the loss of your cat. I sympathize.

10

This may get me flamed, but here we go:

I think that spending large amounts of money on pets is an inherently selfish act. That dosen’t mean its wrong by any means: most of the things we do are selfish. What makes me uncomfortable is the undercurrant that people who spend large amounts of money on their pets do it because they really love their pets and people that can’t understand it or who made a different choice must be emotionally dead or something.

I think that a person could chose not to empty out their retirement fund in order to give Fido a chance at life and still be good people who loved their dog very very much. Saving that money and useing a small part of it to support two or three or four dogs who would otherwise have been put down at the pound saves more doggy lives, and I do think it is a justified choice. If you have the money to spend, great. Lord knows we all spend what money we have on all sorts of things less valuble than a pet’s life. But people who have to make hard choicess about buying a house, or paying for Junior’s trumpet lessons, or Junior’s college fund, or having insurance on the car, or paiyng child support ought not be made to feel that they loved their pets less or that they don’t have the right to greive because if they had really loved thier pet money wouldn’t have been an issue.

11

Whoops, I didn’t really elaborate on my main point.

Spending a large amount of money to save a pet is an inherently selfish act because you are doing it to make yourself feel better, to keep yourself from grieving, not because there is a moral imperitive to do so. If anything, the moral imperitive would be to adopt one or more pets and donate what ever money was left over to the local humane society to save even more pets. In the same way, if there was some terrible accident and I had to chose between saving my husband’s life or saving the lives of two strangers, saving my husband instead would be a selfish act. But I would do it in a heartbeat.