I’m going to reopen this thread under the condition that any swearing or “puking” be done over in The BBQ Pit. Discuss the question, not the person posing the question.
Posting here to indicate I’m interested in this topic, but have nothing of value to add, myself.
I knew a fellow who “returned” his adopted child. A rather reprehensible fellow in many respects–the type who comes to your wedding and eats your food but doesn’t bring a gift. In his and his wife’s case, however, I can understand somewhat. Within the first couple weeks after his adoption, the child (around four years old) started acting out sexually at day care, along with a host of other behaviors that likely required extensive clinical intervention. The adoptive parents couldn’t take it, and the child went back into the system.
Damn, that’s sad.
The couple split up shortly thereafter. I don’t know if the failed adoption figured into that, but it couldn’t have helped.
I know one person who adopted out to a family member the baby they adopted and realized they didn’t want.
"It wasn’t until I was walking out of the hospital with her, that the Dr. decided to tell me that her birth mother had used drugs during the pregnancy AND popped + for cocaine in her urine DURING delivery. The baby was also + for cocaine in her urine as well. She wasn’t born addicted but she was affected.
After we had her for a few months I started to get concerned that I wasn’t bonding with her. I asked around, read forums, and everyone said “Fake it till you make it”. Well, faking it isn’t me. I can’t fake love. I also can’t make myself love someone. So, the months went by and our feelings remained unchanged. She’s also a very difficult child and we believe that to be from the drugs, because she acted in a way that no other child I’ve ever seen did. More months went by with unchanged feelings. When she was around 15 months old I reached my breaking point. My whole family was being negatively affected by her. My marriage was being affected and I just couldn’t take it anymore and my husband was gone most of the time for work. Thankfully my unmarried family member who has no kids offered to take her for a few weeks so that I could have a break.
Well, after they had her for 2 weeks, they asked if they could keep her a bit longer. Husband and I talked it over and we agreed. We agreed b/c we noticed that as soon as the girl had gone, everything went back to normal. The family was relaxed again…if felt right without her.
After a few months, they asked if they could adopt the girl. My husband and I talked and prayed about it and decided to let my them adopt her after a trial period of 6 months. That trial period was up in last fall and they legally adopted her."
I want to point out this family took out personal loans to cover all the private adoption fees and still owe nearly 20K; the family member who adopted the baby girl has never offered to reimburse or repay anything and the original family’s a bit miffed about that.
My parents gave back a little boy they were in the process of adopting.
Mom and Dad had originally planned to adopt because of Mom’s disability. They were going through the process of qualifying when Mom got pregnant the first time. She miscarried. A few months later, they adopted my sister, who was a month old when they got her.
I guess it was about a year later that they got J. He was a year or two older than my sister. He had a serious heart condition that would require surgery (based on Mom’s description, I think it was Tetralogy of Fallot). Mom never quite bonded with him. The heart condition scared her, and Dad had some bizarre ideas about how boys should be raised (he didn’t want a woman telling the boy what to do…).
They had him for a few months before Mom got pregnant again, this time with me. I think they tried to make things work, but having two toddlers and a new baby was just too much with all the associated issues and Mom’s physical limitations. The adoption wasn’t final yet because they hadn’t had him for a whole year. There is one last picture of him with me when I was four months old. Mom said that if it had been final, they would have kept him.
He was probably better off with another family. We girls (there are four of us) wonder what ever happened to him, though.
“the family member who adopted the baby girl has never offered to reimburse or repay anything and the original family’s a bit miffed about that.”
Some cheek there. They cant handle the child themselves but expect to get repaid when the other family helps out, even though they originally had no intention of adopting a child. Im surprised they didnt get asked to give more if anything.
Otara
Seconded.
I have a colleague who adopted two children (siblings). After they had lived with her for a few months, she decided that the older child was too difficult for her to handle, so she sent the child back, while keeping the younger one. I find this choice utterly appalling and indefensible. Not only did she completely fail in her commitment to both children, she also reinforced the same message that the older child had learned through countless rejections in the past: that no one can be relied on, that no one loves her enough to create a decent family for her, that she is unlovable and unwanted. And my colleague also removed the only person who had been a constant presence in the child’s life: her younger sibling. So this little girl, who was only 6 years old, went back into the system even more damaged and suffering considerably more pain than before she was adopted. My heart just aches for her.
The story posted above about a family disrupting an adoption after 15 months sounds similar in some ways. Instead of truly investigating why they were not bonding with their child, or searching out methods to strengthen attachment, they simply state that their feelings did not change, and they blame the child for their failure. It sounds like a very selfish and egocentric approach to parenthood to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if the child is better off living in another family. However, the original adoptive family should not minimize the trauma they inflicted on that child, by sending her away from the only home she’d ever known (even a deeply dysfunctional family is a place of security for a child). And then they had the gall to expect the new family to reimburse them for the adoption? That really takes the cake.
To know the woman w/ the disrupted adoption you’d see this is her pattern in life when it comes to things that don’t match her ideal. She never learns from it either, not that she even sees it when it’s pointed out.
Let’s see:
a) If the other family member doesn’t step in, the couple that originally adopted is in debt for $20K over the adoption, AND the adoption’s working out terribly for them, messing up their lives.
b) Since that family member DID step in, only the first thing is true anymore. If anything, the couple owes that family member.
Its really sad when an adoption doesn’t work out - but its SUPPOSED to be the case that the social worker is supposed to look ferret out people looking for some sort of fantasy.
We had a new house when we adopted. Childless people living in a new house preparing for a homestudy = spotless. We are not spotless people - but we really put our best foot forward for the homestudy.
The post placement home visit was after we’d been in the home a year with me five months pregnant, our son home for two months, dishes in the sink and toys over the living room. The social worker looked around and said “this is so much better. One of my worries with you two were that you were too organized for a child.” (We must of completely snowed her on the organized thing - though both of us are VERY organized when we are driven.)
This is one of the reasons why social workers doing adoption aren’t fond of “save the children” motivations. You have got to want to parent a child. And if you are adopting an older child out of the system, or a child with special needs, you need to want to deal with the challenges that brings.
On the other hand, social workers (and birthmothers), in order to get placements - have been known to play down issues, sometimes even outright lie. That isn’t fair and then adoptive parents have to have an out if its egregious.
LOL, literally - we did exactly the same thing. Our social worker said she knew we trusted her because we stopped vacuuming before she came over.
But that’s a good thing. Only so much energy in us, even when we were young. I could clean the kitchen, or I could build a snow fort in the front yard.
Not a tough call.
Regards,
Shodan
Or you could make one clean-ass snow fort in the front yard! 
Anita Tedaldi gave back her adopted son after having several more biological daughters. I hate her.
Doesn’t that say that she had her daughters before she adopted the son?
For those of you who don’t remember, Bette Davis adopted two girls. The first went OK but the second girl she adopted had major problems. Later on it was revealed these emotional and mental issues, led the birth mother to give her up and she had been adopted out before and returned.
Then she was adopted out to Davis, as the agency knew that being a celebrity Davis could not return the child.
In short the agency was dishonest in placing the child.
This second child wound up in institutions and caused Davis, who arguably wasn’t the best mother in the world, and her first adopted child much grief.
But Davis could well afford instiutions and nannies to cover her discomfort.
When a child is placed it is a two way street. Sure anyone can make an error and sometimes mental problems don’t surface till long after but one can’t ignore it.
If a birth parent can surrender the right of parenthood, which doesn’t always involve being declare incompetent or a “bad parent,” so to speak, so should an adopted child.
She had two more children after she adopted. I think what she did was rotten. She kept the bio daughters and gave back the one that was less than perfect.
Yeah, she drives me crazy. She always says she loved him and tried her best, but she didn’t do either. 
Where does it say that in the article?
Also, does it make me a bad person that I don’t think I could love a child who eats its own shit?