This isn’t mundane or pointless, at least to me, but I don’t have the energy required for Pit-worthy vitriol.
Mr. Stuff and I have wanted to be parents since we got married. Nearly a year ago, we decided to pursue adoption. We heard about a local agency, got four references from people we know that had used them, and checked them out using a free service in Indiana that tries to help people adopt. We didn’t hear anything to put us off, so we signed on. After jumping through all the necessary hoops – not an inconsiderable feat in itself – we were ready to meet birthmoms. The second birthmom who looked at us chose us. We were thrilled. She was due in three months. Long story short, gory details omitted, that fell through. Well, it happens. We grieved, but moved on.
Not too much later, we were chosen again! Hooray! This time, the birthmom and her family wanted us to be at the birth. We were. Totally amazing. We saw this boy take his first breath. We fell in love with him immediately. Then, two days later, the birthmom changed her mind. We were devastated, as you might imagine. Three days after that, the agency called us. Miracle of miracles, the birthmom changed her mind again, and had signed off on the adoption. We were ecstatic. We brought the baby home. What joy! What happiness! We love the little piker so much it aches. As part of our open adoption agreement, we see the birthmom and her family occasionally. They can see how much we love our son, and seem to genuinely like us. We genuinely like them. We are finally mommy and daddy, and we love it.
Fast forward two months. We are informed by the adoption agency that our son’s birthfather is suing for full custody, but not to worry. They’ve had to fight birthfathers before, and they’ve never lost. They have super duper lawyers. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Unfortunately, it seems that their super duper lawyers never faced any real opposition. The first hearing scheduled in the case went horribly wrong (from our point of view, of course), and the super duper lawyers basically turned tail and ran. Called us once to tell us about the hearing. Never heard from them again. Couldn’t get any return phone calls – much less answers – out of anyone at the agency. Later, we were told that they couldn’t contact us because of the legal nature of the case; they were depending on the lawyers to keep us informed. If you’re going to depend on lawyers, you should get some flipping dependable lawyers. But I digress.
At this point, we begin to talk extensively to the birthmother’s family about the situation with the birthfather (let me point out that the agency previously encouraged us not to talk about it too much out of “sensitivity to the birthmother’s feelings”), and we find out that the birthfather has been opposing the adoption vociferously from before the baby was born, and the agency never told us this. Yes, they informed us (and made us sign forms saying they had informed us) that there is always risk, and that the birthfather in this case wasn’t signing off. But they continually assured us that they knew what they were doing, and played down the risk to a great degree. (Remember, we have super duper lawyers!!) Basically we were grossly misled.
We aren’t actually angry at the birthfather – he was stonewalled from the beginning, and he needed to be heard. We are, however, angry at the agency, who should never have placed this baby in our home, given the situation with the birthfather. I know adoption is a money game, but it’s people’s lives you’re playing with. Have an ounce of compassion. Please.
So, what all this boils down to is this: the little boy that we love, that we cared for day and night for two months, who will always be our son no matter what the law says, is gone. We miss him so badly that sometimes it’s difficult to breathe.
There are, of course, a bunch of details and complexities left out of this, but it’s long enough already. This whole fiasco has been so painful that I can’t imagine where I’ll find the courage ever to try to adopt again. I don’t know if that feeling will last, but for now, I want to run around and warn everyone I know that’s thinking of adopting. Which is a lot of people, as it happens. I’m not, of course. I’m keeping my mouth shut like a good girl.
If anyone is out there that has experienced this, I sure would appreciate a few words telling me how you made it out the other side. Today, I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
In the category of “And the Hits Just Keep On Coming,” last night our dog was hit and killed on the road. She’s just a dog, but it’s still depressing. On the other hand, as I sit here and think about everything, I realize that I would gladly have shot the dog in cold blood if it would bring back our baby boy. While I can’t speak for anyone else, it definitively proves that I, at least, will never love a pet as much as a child.
