Adultescents and kidults and twixters - Oh My!

Great Debates
1

There is a growing trend for kids to stay at home longer, i.e. kids wait until a later age before leaving their parents’ home to venture out on their own as adults. The period of time - between when they used to leave and when they now leave - has been dubbed various names: e.g. adultescences, kidults, twixters.

I’d first read these terms in Time magazine’s January 2005 issue - it was the cover story. Yesterday our local paper ran an article on the phenomenon, in response I guess to the movie Failure to Launch.

Some numbers: I don’t have that Time article handy (I read it in the dentist’s waiting room). From the newspaper article

Some say this trend is a good thing. It’s the result of our social progress made possible by our general increase in wealth. Kids no longer have to get out there and work as soon as they can. They are the first generation to have the luxury of finding themselves first. We’re providing our kids something better than we had. It’s beneficial for kids-soon-to-be-adults because when they finally assume the responsibilities of an adult they’ll be better prepared.

Others - I, for one - say not so. Responsibility delayed is not responsibility prepared for. You can’t rise to the challenge until faced with the challenge. Granting kids all the amenities of life unearned (when they could be earning them) sets them up with unrealistic expectations, that the living the good life is easy; it’s something they’re entitled to - something they’re owed. Ingraining this mistake over a longer period of time makes it harder to correct. It essentially robs them of those years of their adulthood.

This trend is not the result of social progress - it’s social regress. It’s not just a kid’s fear of taking the leap into adulthood (understandable). It’s parents’ fear of confrontation and/or fear of letting go. They’re taking the easy and selfish route to avoid such difficulties.
What say you…

Is this trend a fad that will disappear or a new stage in social development that’s here to stay?

Is it a good thing? If so what are the benefits to parents, to children, to society?

Is it a bad thing? If so what are the harms to parents, children, society?

2

Keep in mind this isn’t at all an isolated or unusual incident. In probably most of the world through most of history it’s normal to reside with your parents until you get married and start your own household- and sometimes even after that! America is somewhat unique in the idea that young people should go off alone to far-flung cities, set up a household and find their fortune. Plenty of people would consider this abdicating your responsibilities to your family and your community.

That said, I think this will dissipate as the economic situation gets better. The last few years have been really tough on young people, especially new college grads, and jobs have been pretty scarce. You are seeing a generation that entered school during the dot com bubble and graduated (with tech degrees) right in time for the crash and the rise of outsourcing. Student loans have risen to new highs, as has regular debt. Young people are emerging in to the world financially crippled, with debts they will take decades to pay, for degrees that are increasingly worthless. Anyway, bubble 2.0 seems to be helping things and it seems like that generation is getting back on it’s feet.

3

sven, this trend predates the dot-com crash. The economy may have exacerbated it, but it’s not the primary driver. I see it as being driven by two factors:

  1. Housing prices. It’s become harder and harder to find apartments that a young, middle-class, post-collegiate twentysomething can afford, in a place he’ll live. And yes, it has a lot to do with the fact that some neighborhoods have are labeled, in the minds of many, with “Beyond Here Be Dragons.”

  2. **Changing attitudes about pre-marital sex. **If could have lived rent-free and still gotten laid in my own bed, I’m not sure if I would have left home.

4

In the early 90’s I was a boomerang kid. I left home at 18 for the Navy and came back 4 years later. I found a bunch of my friends were still living at home. Mostly college students who moved out a year or two after graduating.

Now about 15 years later it seems the ones who stayed home have their own homes and paid off the student lones and are getting along pretty well. The ones who moved out or went off to school at 18 are still half broke and years behind buying a house or getting settled.

I was an odd case, my Mom was terminally ill and I helped Dad take care of her. If I wasn’t living in the house with him he would not have been able to handle it all, and would have been helpless alone after she died.

5

I forgot about this, and it is a huge factor. My mother’s house in an undesirable part of Sacramento rose 350% in price since she moved in to it in 1999. There is just no easy way to deal with stuff like that. It’s enough to make it hard to live on a fresh grad’s salary and to make it hard to pay for even more time training. A lot of people I know would like to go back to school to learn more marketable skills, but are seeing so little return on their undergrad education that it is a questionable investment for them.

6

Also, from the parents view, I think more people having less kids later and getting divorced more often is also a factor. When the house is stuffed full with five kids, having one move out is a blessing. But facing an empty house after a short 18 years of being primarily a parent is pretty lonely, especially if you don’t have a partner to share your remaining years with and you are unlikely to see grandkids any time soon.

7

Consider from this article

Further in the article, quoting one ‘twixter’

Finally, one commenter after the article wrote

From all of the above the line that jumps out at me is, “…whatever cultural machinery used to turn kids into grownups has broken down, that society no longer provides young people with the moral backbone and the financial wherewithal to take their rightful places in the adult world.”

How can we as parents reveal the fun side of really taking responsibility? It’s NOT all drudgery, although it can appear so. There’s real - real - joy in having both hands solidly on one’s own life, paying the price and reaping the rewards.

The landscape of pleasures adults enjoy did not spring up out of the ether. It is the result of hard work. Sweat on one’s brow feels good when you see what it can produce! I fear with “instant gratification” being the standard we will lose the work ethic that has made such instant gratification possible. Unless young adults are willing to put their backs into it and unless we equip them to do so, the great society we have will decline.

That’s not to say the rule should be “18 and your out.” Far from it. But the opposite reaction is just as bad if not worse, “whenever you’re ready dear, now let me wipe your nose for you then I’ll fold your laundry - sorry for standing in front of the TV.” That last bit is an extreme, of course, to illustrate the folly of the opposite pendulum swing. So where should the pendulum rest?

8

I don’t see anything wrong with children living with their parents into their 20’s. In fact, through most of history, that was the norm. People lived on the farm with extended family, parents, grandparents, children, all working towards a common goal. The “18 and out” or “21 and out” or “graduate and out” paradigm may have existed in a brief window in time.

My son moved back home after graduation, and why not? He has a lot of school loans, and this gives him the opportunity to pay them back at an accelerated rate. There are no out of pocket expenses that he doesn’t cover, and the mortgage, property taxes, heat, and almost every other expense you can think of is fixed whether he is there or not. He makes an excellent martini and is a better cook than I am, and I’m a better cook than my wife.

I don’t expect him to be around more than a couple of years while he gets out of college debt, but he’s actually the best roomate I ever had.

9

Slight nitpick because this is a common misconception, but divorce rates have been steadily decreasing for over 20 years now.

10

This sounds like a wonderful win-win for everyone. Congratulations! It sounds like your son has a definite vector in life. He has taken responsibility for his life and together you all are planning how he will make it - with his active involvement in making it happen.

This is different from what I’m reacting to, though - the “I’ll just sponge off my parents while I ‘find myself’ with a view to avoiding responsibility as long as I can.” If someone is ready and able to leave home at 18, he or she should take steps - return home for a stint to recover from failure, sure. If someone truly is not ready at 21, then fine too there’s work to be done. But this ‘adultesent’ demographic of young adults partying three times a week, living rent free at home smacks of both youngsters and parents avoiding responsibility because it’s just easier.

I hope I’m not coming off as a curmudgeon. Our 21 year old is still living with us. He has made a couple tentative steps on his own, living last summer with several room mates who together rented a house. His other mates had previously rented the house and one of them left for four months. Of his own mind he decided to sublet that room until he returned. When he came back home he was much wiser and is now enrolled in a course that will lead to a career of his choosing.

He’s was working two jobs for a while, now one (for the best). I do wish he’d prioritize his spending in better preparation for his next step on his own - something we have to work on. And to be honest, there are times I see in him signs of his demanding what life owes him - and what Mrs. Call and I owe him. We’re working through those issues too. And to be even more honest, it is easier to not put pressure on him to get his own place - but I wish he would. I wrestle with my own motives - how much of that wish is for his good and how much for my own convenience and expense.

The Time article, IIRC, described a pair of parents who would cook, clean, and do the laundry of their mid to late 20-something while he lived rent free with no real aim in life (perhaps I read too much into that sidebar, but…) Assuming that I am recalling correctly, that steams me - both because I don’t think it’s fair to such a kid, and because I’m afraid if this is the “new normal” maybe I have to rethink my own priorities.

So far in this thread I’ve not heard from anyone who sees any harm in this trend. Am I just a curmudgeon? Am I just being selfish? Am I unfairly comparing todays kids with how the difficulties I faced when I left home in 1987 shaped me and made me a better man? Have times really changed that much?

11

I see harm in it. The harm that I see is the people I know who are in not their twenties, but their forties and fifities who are still living with their parents without an adult responsibility in the world. No home of their own, most have no car, pay a token rent, have always had at least laundry and meal service from the parents. Plenty of money to go on great vacations, etc. And now it’s catching up to them. They’ve never been married or even had a long-term relationship, never had kids, really never took care of themselves. Now their parents are getting older and sick and infirm. And the forty or fifty year old Peter Pan suddenly has to take care of not only him or herself, but also his or her parents. Their siblings are not inclined to be much help. The attitude is “they took care of you, now you take care of them”.

Now this doesn’t apply to everyone I know who lived with their parents past college. Some remained there while attending grad school or until they got married a year or two after graduation and then left, delaying the move by just a couple of years. Some women stayed because they had children while they were in high school or college and needed help, but still had to grow up because they had the kid. Some ended up temporarily back because of a divorce or unemployment- those ones generally have more of a roommate relationship with the parents. The ones who stayed because " my parents only want $200/month, I can use their car if I need to, I can’t afford cable and DSl and vacations if I move out, at least not without changing from my low-paying, low-responsibility, no opportunity for advancement job" are the ones getting the great big shock.

12

I guess I’m one of these things, although call me any of those names and I’ll hurt you. :wink:

Most of my 25-and-under co-workers fall into this category as well. The reason has already been covered: there is virtually no affordable housing for people our age on Long Island, and it’s a problem local government frequently acknowledges. I’m sure a lot of people who do this are mooching. It’s true that for many people my age, there’s not much urgency to go out and find a job; many people get out of college, spend a year or two or three doing whatever they fall into, and then decide to go back to grad school if they’re not satisfied with their current course. On a personal level, I’m not making a ton of money, so I’m trying to save money while I’m here (getting a little more experience while I’m at at it) while searching for a job in New York City.

In a pretty-affluent suburb like this one, this trend may be here to stay. I’m speculating here, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is more competition for an entry-level position than ever before.

13

It does seem pretty clear that from a combination of higher housing prices, sluggish wage growth especially at entry-level jobs, more spacious middle/upper-class family housing, and a smaller “generation gap” in terms of social mores, we’re now seeing, to some extent, the re-invention of the “joint family”.

As with all social and political structures, the real test will come at the time of transition. The new “joint family” seems to be working pretty well for many young singles and their parents, but what will be the effect of generational turnover? How will families make the transition to a new, younger “head of the family” who takes responsibility for basic decisions when the former head(s) perhaps shift to a retirement community or nursing home, or simply need more care and less responsibility in the family home?

Or will the “joint family” remain mostly a phenomenon of twentysomethings, who will later form their own homes once they have their own spouses and/or children?

(Personally, I think that from the point of view of sustainability, safety, social bonding, and a lot of other things, it makes oodles of sense to have more than just one or two people under the same roof. But if it’s really going to work for families in the long term, there will have to be social mechanisms for sharing and then transferring responsibility. The “perpetual teenager” variant, where adult children continue to let their parents handle all the family responsibilities without contributing anything themselves, doesn’t sound stable.)

14

If the issue was predominantly housing costs then articles like this would be titled, “Rising housing costs are hampering our kids.” 41% of 24-34 year-olds (in Canada - 50% in the States) are living at home. That means 59% (50%) have moved out on their own. Apartments are there to be found if one has reasonable expectations.

True, it wasn’t uncommon in days gone by for households to have multigenerational occupants. It’s not the staying at home that’s the question, though - it’s the postponing of adulthood. I agree leaving home may be a recently developed “rite of passage” but performing whatever current rites of passage later in life is not a return from a recent societal anomoly.

It seems the further back you go, the earlier the age of adulthood. Romeo and Juliet were married in their teens (fiction, I know, but reflective of the society in which it was written). What if Alexander the Great delayed his adulthood until his late twenties? He died when he was 33.

Yes, many things are tougher when starting out today than it once was. In my dad’s time you could quit school at 16, find a job and work your way to president of that company. Not so in my day (jeez, I’m only 36!) But tuition was cheaper and grants were available (not to me though - my parents made too much). A degree was a ticket, and not a requirement for many jobs. I can’t comment on housing costs - I’d be interested in an indexed comparison.

But many things are easier! The reach the Internet gives when looking for work. The ways in which a fledgling adult can receive money and other help while away. The general increase in affluence provides a better safety net if one does fail (I distinguish boomerang kids, those who try and return, then try again from those who wait and wait before first trying). There are more choices, and so on and so on. Would you rather start your life out in today’s world, or the turn of the 18th century?

Years ago my younger brother, while he was still at home, asked me why I was struggling financially. He honestly thought, me with my job, that I was on the path to riches. He showed me his paperwork, on one side he had my salary on the other my expenses. Salary was greater than the total of my rent, hydro, food, insurance, etc. He divided 1,000,000 by that monthly surplus and predicted I should be a millionaire by year X.

Smart kid., but try as I might I just couldn’t get him to see it doesn’t work that way. He had no frame of reference to comprehend what I was trying to explain because of his yet to be developed sheltered mindset.

More recently with our 21 year old - warnings, advice, explanations simply didn’t register - couldn’t register - until after that short time he spent on his own. Mark Twain put it well, “When I was 18 I was ashamed of my father and how little he knew. When I became 21 I was amazed how much he had learned in three years.”

It’s worth giving up mommy and daddy’s big screen TV to build oneself up to the full state of independence. To put it bluntly, isn’t this trend another form of what used to be called “clinging to momma’s apron strings?”

There are some things that cannot be taught - only learned from experience. Living on your own is such an experience. Imagine the fear of the young eagle, not yet knowing of it’s ability to fly, rapidly falling, having just been physically kicked out of the high-altitude nest. A young adult not taking the plunge robs himself, and parents withholding the gentle-but-firm kick are robbing their children.

15

Sorry for the hijack, but I don’t quite understand your complaint here. What do you mean, “it doesn’t work that way”? What was wrong with your brother’s calculation? If your salary is greater than all your expenses (including taxes etc.), then you can save up money, sometimes quite a bit of money. That’s exactly how accumulating assets does work. Was your brother just naively omitting a basic expense like taxes, or what?

I’ve been self-supporting and living on my own for over twenty years now, on three different continents, so I don’t think my mindset is very sheltered or undeveloped. But I confess that I don’t comprehend what you’re trying to explain either. What have I missed?

16

You’re right, I was unclear. He was bang-on in understanding “invest the surplus” idea. He was unrealistic in his timeline for becoming a millionaire using an oversimplistic budgetting method. I typed “year X” because I don’t recall now when he’d calculated - but it was a few short years, not retirement age. That plus, as you say, a naively optimistic list of expenses, omitting unexpected emergencies as well as the unlikelihood of either he or I living a sustenance only existence for that many years (i.e. spending ONLY on rent, hydro, etc.)

While he understood my words (and I was younger then less articulate and less worldly, so part of the fault is mine) he still insisted his model was accurate the fact that I wasn’t on track to millionaire-hood was due to my somehow making bad decisions. The point was, now that he has been on his own, he laughs at himself - only now does he see what I was trying to say.

17

Ah, thanks, now I understand. (Except I still have no idea what the hell “hydro” is, but oh well.) Yes, the first step in successfully budgeting one’s expenditures is to make a realistic budget! And throw in about 10% for “margin” on top of that.

18

What exactly here is being harmed, besides some vague notion of “responsibility”?

How is this different from the rise of the idea of a “teenager” or “adolescent”, who in earlier times would have simply been categorized as “married worker” or “not married yet worker”?

How is this different than the emergence of a leisure middle class that didn’t have to work the majority of the day and had time to pursue their own interests?

How is this, a middle-class form of inheritance (middle class parents- especially older ones with medical bills- may not have anything more to share than their homes) different that regular old upper-class inheritance, which occasionally a doper comes on and says is a bad thing and everyone gets up in arms?

How is not also a loss when people lose traits like “respect for elder family members” or “desire to stay involved in a community”?

19

I think it depends on what the adult children’s role in the “joint family” is. If they’re contributing to the support of the family and sharing in its responsibilities, as well as pursuing their own career/financial goals in preparation for later independence or future headship of the family, I don’t see any harm in it at all. Good on them for fostering family solidarity and resource-sharing, sez I.

If, on the other hand, they’re just depending on the parent(s) to take care of the responsibilities of the household so they can lead a sheltered life with most of the privileges of childhood and none of its restrictions, I do think that that’s likely to be harmful to their own development and maturity, as well as to the parents’ finances and happiness.

I don’t think we really know enough about the demographics of these new joint families to say for sure which picture more accurately describes most of these “adultescents” or whatever they are.

20

I’m an adultescent and I hate every minute. After the end of the semester I’m going to make some more of my own money and move out.