Advice for prospective parents?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’d agree with pretty much everything everyone’s said so far - my daughter’s 9 months old and I had no experience at all with babies before we had her.

I guess my big message is that you’ll learn what works for you - like others have said, it’s really important that you don’t feel that you have to follow advice that doesn’t sit right with you. You’ll won’t be the same parent as anyone else, you’ll work out what feels right for you soon enough.

I’ve found that I naturally give Niamh a bit of space - I don’t rush to pick her up all the time, or hand her a succession of toys, or stop her crawling out of the room. I keep an eye on her, make sure she’s safe and let her explore her world a bit. I always try to remember that we’re all learning together - and I’m always pretty confident we’ll work stuff out between us.

One thing I’ve tried really hard to remember is that Niamh has joined a family - she’s often the most important part of that family, but there’s three of us together in this. I don’t think that your life needs to end when the baby arrives - we’ve just got back from 2 weeks travelling around Canada (including a 2 day train trip on the Rocky Mountaineer, which was a bit reckless in retrospect but worked beautifully as it happened). Life’s different now, but it just requires some accommodation is all.

Having said that, the three of us installed ourselves in our living room for the first 4 weeks of her life and never left the room. Seriously - we changed her, fed her and all ate in the same room. It felt like we were suvivors of some bizarre natural disaster!

You can’t really be prepared completely. Intellectually I thought I knew that things would change, but in fact the experience is beyond all my expectations. Nothing really prepares you for it - it’s highs and lows like you’ve never imagined. I can’t remember what my life was like without her.

22

Important words. When our first baby was about 6 months, she’d wake up at 2am and cry every night. Our doctor said to check that she was okay, and then leave her alone. Listening to her cry was about the hardest thing we ever had to do, but in three days she learned to sleep through the night, and everyone was happier.

In addition to the good advice here, the best thing about kids is that they take you places you never would have gone otherwise. Figure out their interests, and enable them. It’s not only getting to play on the swings again. I learned all about horses thanks to one daughter, and about show business from the inside thanks to the other. They’re going to drive you crazy, but sometimes they’ll make you very proud.

BTW, very few of us started out knowing anything about raising kids. You’ll be an expert soon enough, never fear.

23

One other thing:
Don’t be alarmed or feel guilty if you don’t immediately fall in love with your baby. It took me a couple of weeks to feel like I truly loved mine. What I felt in the meantime was fascinated, protective, amazed, panicked, grateful, charmed, deeply affectionate, and entirely freaked out.

24

Our babies have all been great sleepers from almost day 1, and we never had to listen to them cry, just as an opposing viewpoint over here. My advice for babyhood is to hold them close, feed them often, and sleep with them within reach. This will make all of you happier and more well-rested, I can just about guarantee it.

And the other major piece of advice I have is: Let go of the guilt. You might not have it yet, and it might not show up for the first day, or week, or month, of parenthood. But before you know it, there it is, the little voice inside your head telling you, “You’re doing this all wrong. The books say to do it differently. The people on the Internet say to do it differently. I’m turning into my mom and I don’t WANT to be my mom. I’m a horrible mother.” You gotta let that go. You’re going to do things you’re not proud of. You’re going to do things you swore up and down that you would never do. You’re going to have days where you wonder why you even became a parent in the first place.

This is a universal experience. Everyone has those days, everyone has those doubts. Don’t let them consume you. What children need most of all is a safe, comfortable home and parents who love them. Give them that, and everything else is just details.

25

If memory serves, Drain Bead’s children will be the spawn of Satan.

26

Be aware that there will be times when the baby cries for no apparent reason.

You have checked everything; daiper’s dry, just fed, not too warm or cold, wrapped up nice and tight, etc., etc.

When this happens, the crying can start to get on your nerves.

I picked the baby up, sat down in the rocking chair and (most importantly) put on my head phones and listened to music to help counteract the nerve racking crying.

Worked like a charm. Whatever the trouble was, it eventually goes away and the baby is fine.

27

And something from a godmother -

Don’t be a dog and pony show. If you have certain friends/family you visit fairly frequently ASK if you can leave essentially a full diaper bag somewhere in a closet. Make sure it has at least 1 change of clothes, adequate diaperage, a box of baby wipes, a couple jars of spawn-chow/bottle and small jar of formula as age appropriate.

Leave the huge diaper bag in the car. Take a smaller one with you that has a onesie, a travelpack of baby wipes, 2 diapers and a light snack. Have the cute littel umbrella stroller, not the Panzer-stroller of Doom that is about the size of a VW. If your spawn is so sick/messy/whatever to need more than 2 diapers and a change of onesie for a simple shopping trip or lunch, you need to think about getting a babysitter.

There is nothing quite so frustrating as being on time to go somewhere and having to spend a hour sitting with your thumb up your ass waiting to get the whole dog and pony show on the road. As soon as you get home, pop the kid into the cage and REFILL THE DIAPER BAG YOU NORMALLY CARRY. If you leave the spawn seat in the car, with the major supply bag in case of serious disaster, all you need to grab is the tiny bag and the sprog.

If said sprog starts crying, please try to find a quiet nook away from the crowd, chances are they are stressed by the activity. I have discovered that movie theaters are not good for infants, the sound is usually cranked loud enough to make me want to cry… and it is dark, and the lights are strobing. Very scary to a tiny one that really cant focus enough to see the screen. Many eateries are just as bustling and loud, again very stressful. Sometimes a nursing blanket can help make a bit quieter and dimmer nook to destress them.

28

Childbirth isn’t as bad as it looks in movies. It’s a little scary, but more exciting than anything. It just doesn’t hurt that much.

Hold the baby lots, because before you know it, they demand to get off your lap to go play.

Don’t be too rigid, as in “I’m going to/not going to co-sleep/breastfeed/cloth diaper/feed cereal at 4 months/whatever. Babies don’t always agree with a pre-set parenting philosophy.

If it’s a boy, cover him with a wipe while you change him, or he WILL pee in your face. Trust me.

29

Something from an uncle: find time for your husband. Put the sleeping baby in a pram and go for a walk together. When the baby’s older, get a babysitter and go out for some you time, even if it’s just going to the restaurant round the corner.

30

Um, no. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

31

I agree with this with one GIANT exception. When your child throws a screaming fit in a public place do not ignore it. I am not talking about a small I’m cranky cry from a 6 month old, I talking about a full on scream at the top of the lungs blue in the face fit. Here is how not to handle such a fit. In both of my kids cases, the screaming fit occurred in a store. With both children I took them out to the car, put them in their car seats, strapped them in and ignored them for about 5 minutes or how ever long it took for them to run out of gas and stop crying. At that point I asked if they wanted to go back into the store. Yes came the reply. Where they going to act like a young lady/gentleman? yes came the reply. I reminded them that if they did it again, we would come back out to the car. So I gave them a hug and we went back in. Neither of my children ever threw a fit in a store again.

auntie em :smiley: Thanks. All of that came from watching what works and what doesn’t work with other people and their kids.

32

After having three kids, if I had to say what was The Most important thing I could advise an expecting (or expecting to be expecting) parent is this: Let your baby fall asleep by himself in his crib, from day one if you can. Healthy sleep habits are extremely important throughout all of life. Everyone needs to be able to get themselves to sleep- not only is it necessary when first falling asleep, but everyone wakes for very short periods throughout the night and needs to be able to go back to sleep. People that feed, rock, lay down with, or do anything else to get their child to sleep are not doing them any favors. I know people that have 4 and 5-year-olds that are still spending HOURS every night getting these kids to sleep, and it never needed to be that way at all. Most babies can sleep through the night at 4 to 6 months if that training is provided.

Do keep in mind that a lot of newborns have a crying period in the early evenings for the first few weeks. Don’t take it personally, it’s not that they hate you. It probably has a lot to do with the stimulation during the day that their little central nervous systems aren’t used to. There’s not really much you can do but try warm baths, holding and rocking, etc. Pacifiers are a very good thing- do not let people tell you they are bad and/or cause buckteeth. Most babies have an intense desire for non-nutritional sucking and pacifiers can help with self-comforting immensely. Speaking of self-comforting, I found a “comfort object”, such as a small blanket or stuffed animal (without buttons or eyes that can pop off and choke) to be a great help. It’s like they transfer the love that they get from you onto that object and when you’re not around or not available for a moment, that item will help them so much.

Good luck on getting pregnant when you’re ready, and to all of you other expectants out there! Post pictures, I love babies!

33

All of mine have slept through the night even earlier than that, and we never did a single minute of sleep training. And, horrors, we slept with them in our bed. Because, first of all, it is ever so convenient to just roll over and nurse the baby half asleep when they wake at 2 AM for a feeding. And second, nothing is so delightful as falling asleep with a snuggly baby in your arms. Besides, babies spend nine months tucked comfortably up inside you, hearing your voice and heartbeat and the rhythms of your body; I always felt it was not fair to them to expect them to sleep alone in a crib the very next day.

And for the record, the older two transitioned out to their own bed sometime between age 1 and 2 with a minimum of fuss. They have very healthy sleep habits. Whatsit the Youngest is still sleeping with us, but at age 3 months is sleeping more or less through the night, although I admit I don’t always wake fully up when he nurses.

This all having been said, of course you have to do what works for you. I just frequently see people saying, “You MUST get your babies to sleep on their own, by letting them scream if necessary, or they will never sleep on their own and they will be in your bed until they are 6 years old” or something to that effect, and I wanted to provide my own experiences, which have not shown this to be the case. Emphasis on “my own experiences,” of course.

34

Aw, why bless your little granola-loving heart for recognizing that the majority of posts in the forum entitled “In My Humble Opinion” are opinions and not someone saying that their way is the one and only. I for one, find the risk-to-benefit ratio of cosleeping to be unacceptable for me, but your mileage obviously varies, and I do hereby accede that the OP’s mileage may vary also.

35

The most important thing I can tell you is that 25 years from now, you will look back and realize that this is the best thing you have ever done in your life.

And the temper tantrums in Target, and finding the joint under the bed, and the dreary vacation in the seaside cottage when everyone came down with the flu, will all have magically transmogrified into wonderful stories that you will tell your grandchildren. :smiley:

36

I would like to add to this. When my wife was pregnant with our first, we were given a great book on raising babies called Baby Taming which besides being hysterically funny had lots of good common sense advice.
On putting babies to bed the author said that if the baby’s bed time was 6 PM then they should be in bed at 6PM, and none of this tip toeing around so as not to wake the baby. The author said that if you do this you will raise a light sleeper that will wake at anything. Also they said that if you go back and pick up the baby when they cry, they learn damn quick that to get your attention all they have to do is cry. So their advice was to let the baby cry.
We did this with our first, and later our second.
First night 10 minutes of solid crying. It was agony.
Second night 5 minutes of crying
Third night and beyond waaasnore :smiley:
We also never tiptoed around, and had the stereo blasting. Our kids can sleep though almost anything.

37

I’ve stayed away from threads like this for a while, (anyone interested in the whole story can search for threads started by me with baby in the title) and I don’t want to cast any gloom on this great thread, but there are always possiblities that things don’t work out. Same thing with any part of life, I guess.

Unfortunately, not everytime do things go smoothly. What is most important, is that you love and accept life and each other no matter what happens.

That and don’t let anyone one scare you. The vast majority of things work out perfectly so don’t get scared over every little thing.

Good luck! It’s great that you are studying first!

38

I don’t know about the hurting, but our first childbirth did look like a movie - The Exorcist. My wife is constructed so that she threw up with every contraction. On the plus side, it did get us a room real fast, since the hospital staff really didn’t want to have to clean up the lobby. And we were prepared for the second one.

And I don’t want to even say what she did to the Ob-Gyn when he bent down to examine her the first time. And she liked him. But the time is limited.

The second time we even got to play with the cards that that Lamaze instructor told us to pack. That there was a second time proves it won’t be that bad.

39

Lots of topics have already been covered - I’ll take Online Mothering for 100, Alex. It’s been my experience that there are 3 kinds of mothers online.

First you have the mainstreamers. They’re reasonably sane. Babycenter.com is a big hangout for them, but I’m sure there are others. You’ll see a lot of Disney threads, lots of pictures of their kids’ toys and clothes, wordgames, “What are You Fixing for Dinner” threads. They’re nice. I spent a lot of time there at first, when I was pregnant, and before the kids were born and I became interested in Attachment Parenting and graduated to the Crunchistas.
The Crunchy Crunchistas are at mothering.com, amity.com, etc. When you see the phrase “attachment parenting” and a laundry list of virtues in the siggies (cs, bf, non-circ, non-vac, organic, free-range) you’re in The Crunchy Zone. And those women have their strengths – they could get breastmilk out of a stone, for one thing.

Plus the “Gentle Discipline” forum at mothering is really useful at times, particularly when your kid starts moving around and getting into things. It basically consists of two ideas – redirection and positive reinforcement – but reading everyone’s trials and tribulations is comforting.

But after a while, you realize the Crunchistas are kind of nuts (many of them are - not ALL of them though).

For example, I remember a mom who was beside herself because she’d left her baby with her mother for 10 minutes while she ran across the street to get a prescription filled. The kid was crying when she left, and still crying when she got back, and now she was full of guilt. It’s like, come on! Ten minutes of crying makes you a Bad Mommy? What wasn’t funny, though, is how the other women reacted. A lot of them thought her guilt was appropriate. I sort of got into it with them.

That’s when I moved on to the third group, beotches and hoars. We drink.
I’ll send you their addy when it’s time, LMK. :wink:

40

Babies are tougher than they look, and not nearly as breakable. You will make mistakes, and you will all survive. Take all of what people tell you, use what works for you, and leave the rest. Your baby will come into this world with a mind of its own and a personality that might surprise you. Unless you’re beating or shaking the kid, or leaving it alone for hours at a time, you aren’t doing it wrong if the little one is growing, and (mostly) content.

Personally, I think everybody should breastfeed, on demand, exclusively for the first six months. But I’m not your baby’s mother.

If the three who grew up in this family could be as different as they were, how could I possibly think I know what you have to do with yours.

That said, I will say, sometimes you have to go against your instincts as you learn your child. My middle one got overstimulated fairly frequently when she was tiny, and we had to figure out that rocking, singing, patting, all those “normal” responses didn’t help, they just made it worse. We swaddled her so she looked like a little football and she calmed right down. She still needs time to herself fairly often and doesn’t deal well with crowds and such.

The hardest one was learning not to cover the youngest. Walk into the baby’s room and see the blanket off on a chilly night and what’s your first instinct? Cover the child, make her cozy. Perfect way to wake her up and make her cry. I had to force myself to pull my hand back and leave her free of covers. Then she was fine all night.

You don’t have to know it all the first day. It’s all a learning process. If you can take a deep breath when you have to, and laugh at much of it, you’ll be okay and so will baby.