So, my wife and I are going to have a child in the next few months. We’ve been trying for years, so it’s been pretty challenging, but we’re finally actually painting a nursery and getting supplies.
Here’s the rub. I’ve never been around kids. The youngest person in my family is almost 30, and I’ve just never had the opportunity.
I have no idea how to deal with kids! I see kids in the supermarket, and I’ve always thought, “Well, I would know how to deal with that situation!”, but now I’m quite sure that I have no clue.
I’m looking to be a fairly hands off parent. Not in a bad way, but in a ready to help out but not insert myself until necessary. I’m looking to be supportive but not a helicopter parent.
Also, after nearly 10 years of marriage, we’ve settled into this nice little rut, which I’m sure will soon be blown to bits.
Pick your battles. You have to let them make their own decisions and you have to let them ‘win’ sometimes.
An example: When your little princess wants to wear a neon pink flowered shirt, blue and green striped skirt and red cowboy boots to school, just smile and let her go.
If it’s picture day, sure, you can say, “You can wear this outfit or that outfit. Pick one”, but the rest of the time? It doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
Consistency is huge for little kids. Having something resembling a schedule and a predictable life is very important to them, and your little one will be much happier and easier to deal with if he/she knows what to expect.
I’ve found that I like the “love & logic” books, if you’re looking for books.
Put that kid to bed! Start as soon as you bring him home, putting him down to sleep while still awake so that he can learn the self-comforting skills that are essential. Don’t rock him to sleep, feed him to sleep, or lay down with him. Spend evenings with your spouse, not trying to get a kid to sleep. Learn it, live it, love it.
Don’t lie to your child. If it will hurt, say so. If it’s dangerous, say so and why. If they ask why, tell them the real answer, or tell them you don’t know and look it up with them. If you say you will be there, keep your word. My boys know that I will tell them the absolute truth no matter what, and they trust me to do so. Now when I tell them that a medical procedure won’t hurt, they believe me. In return, my boys are surprisingly trustworthy, and rarely hide the truth. If I ask “who broke the lamp”, I get a downtrodden “sigh, I did, Mom. I’m sorry.” The caveat is: they should get in more trouble for lying than telling the truth. If no one had owned up to the lamp, and I found out later, the lamp-breaker would have had to work to get the replacement money, AND been grounded, instead of just having to work for the replacement money.
Nobody can -guarantee- squat when it comes to kids. You do your best and that’s all you can do. There is no one-size fits all manual.
As a matter of Paternal self-preservation…as soon as the baby can focus on you, look them in the eyes and make the ““mmmmm” “mmmummm” Mmmmmummmm” sounds. Their first words will be momma (or sound most like momma). So when they are fussy and such late at night, they’ll call out mumma, you then roll over and tell the wife “He’s calling for you”.
When they become verbal and you start taking them to the grocery store or whatever, tell them straight up that whining about gimme gimme gimme just makes you angry. So if they behave, you will be in a better mood and you will buy something just for them at the checkout. Carry through on that deal.
Heh. A friend of my mother’s (female) used the word “Daddy” in just this manner when the baby was pre-verbal. Every time she fed him, changed him, whatever, she emphasized phrases like “Let Daddy get your bottle/pacifier/diaper/bath/etc.” It worked beautifully. Aaron always associated all of these things with the word “daddy.” After he started talking, he always called for Daddy to take care of the tedious stuff!
My only piece of childrearing advice, though? Everyone on the planet will tell you exactly what you’re doing wrong, and exactly what they would do with your child. Ignore them.
This is excellent advice. My kid is now 14, and I wish I had done that. (What I have done, however, is write him a letter every year on his birthday. I intend to present all the letters to him on his 21st birthday – God willing, since my inspiration to do this came from a book of such letters by a mother who’s done it for her all kids, but her youngest son died before she got the chance to give them to him. Sorry to inject such a horrific thought into this thread.)
My piece of advice is that infants can’t be spoiled. They aren’t manipulative. Picking up an infant every time s/he cries is not indulging him/her. It’s meeting a need. There comes a point, however, when they do understand how to work the system. At that point, they are no longer infants.
But seriously, you asked for advice, and I have raised 2 fine boys. As StaudtCJ said above, honesty is the best policy. Do not plan to treat your ‘children’ one way and then expect to end up with grown adults you can then tell the truth to later. You will do them no favors with attempts to shelter them from the real world.
Always tell them the truth, even when they are young. If they ask, they should know that of all people in the world you will be straight with them. Children are not stupid and can tell when you are lying and will learn to lie right back at you. Consider it a matter of mutual respect, and that respect will be returned.
Don’t make up stories and myths to explain life. Where do babies come from? Grown in the mom’s belly and come out the Hoo Haa when they are ready. You don’t have to tell them all the truth, but be sure that what you do tell them IS the truth and not some ‘stork’ bullshit. Apply this same reasoning to all matters they ask you about or they will quit asking.
Otherwise someone else will tell them the truth and that mutual respect, well, you ain’t gettin any.
Oh, with the honestly policy, you can also say “I’m not comfortable telling you about that until you’re older. Ask me when you’re 6 (10, 14, whatever).”
Even when they are annoying the crap out of you and you want some alone time try to keep in mind that one day you’ll want their attention more than they want yours, and when that day comes there will be a longer time afterward than there was when they were begging for yours.
five year lurker, check!
ten years married- now pregnant, check! (mine is now three)
not been around (m)any babies, check!
two bits of advice:
the positive is stolen from Dr. Spock “you know more than you think you do” Really, trust your instinct on stuff…
the negative isn’t really that negative: Lots (no cite, sorry) of kids spend some time in the NICU after they’re born. My guess is the hospital doesn’t want to get sued, or (?) When my son had to spend a few days in the NICU I sort of lost it. After three years I’ve spoken to lots of Moms and Dads who had a kid stay in the NICU for something or other and the kid is just fine…but when the doctor tells you this it sounds so terrible. Nine months of being a tad worried have no culminated into some sort of terrible THING. (not sure if I explained that right)
oh yeah…I forgot to say CONGRATULATIONS! You’ll soon meet the love of your life, in a different, separate, wonderful way than you love your wife
My advice is about advice. You’ll get a shitload, and a lot of it will be directly contradictory. Throw out the crazy and the dangerous and the illegal, and you still have suggestions that go all over the map.
So, my suggestion is simply: try something. If it works, keep doing it. If it doesn’t, try something else.
Some people will disagree with me but it is a cruel trick of nature that newborns are much harder than older kids. I took care of my daughters by myself at least half-time because my wife worked and traveled so much and it literally almost broke me mentally. I think that toddlers are much easier and then it gets even easier after that. You and your wife need to learn to split tasks and you certainly need to know everything from how to change a diaper to prepare formula to know when to call the pediatrician. You will learn to figure it out quickly. It isn’t that complicated but don’t refuse to learn like fathers did in the past. Take a parenting class for newborns or ask the nurses to give you basic lessons in the hospital. They will be happy to.
At that point, they are no longer infants.