When my ex- remarried, my son was pretty little. The “Dad” name was important to me, and I let both of them know. My son calls me dad, and he call his stepfather by his first name.
It would bother me greatly if my son called someone else “dad.”
Thank you, Rysdad. I mean, that only seems natural.
I just think that young children don’t start calling their mom’s new husband “dad” right away, all on their own, unless they are told to or encouraged to, and especially if their real dad is still very much in the picture. Right? I mean, it’s possible, but not likely…
I just think it was mean-spirited and inappropriate for the kids’ mom and stepdad to encourage/insist that the kids call stepdad “dad.”
With a little baby who is learning to speak in the house, I don’t think it’s that impossible for it to be something that just sort of happened. Mom is surely calling her husband “Dad” or “daddy” when speaking to the baby, and I can see how the other kids–especially the youngest–might follow suit.
Maybe… but the kids are now 6,8 and 10, and their mom and SF have been married almost 2 years. So I think they were probably old enough at the time to know that their stepdad is “John,” and is “dad” to their half-brother, and that my BF is Dad. Regardless, even if the kids started calling the kids dad, you would think their mom and SF would correct them. I know I would - if my kids still had their real dad in their lives, I would not want them calling my new husband “dad.”
All my friends who are kids of divorce who had step-parents always called them by their names, not by “mom” or “dad.” I guess I am just curious as to how common this is.
Also this reminds me of another issue. When I started living with my BF a year ago, I noticed that sometimes they would call my BF by his first name, “Andy.” Not dad, but “Andy.” (Well it’s mainly only the troubled middle one who did this.) My BF asked me not to call him by his name around them, so they don’t get the urge to do so themselves, so I always call him “dad” when they’re around! 
But my point is, I have a strong feeling what we’re seeing from these boys is the resul of an orchestrated campaign by their mother to phase my BF out of their lives, and phase her new husband in. That is what irks me.
Ooops what I meant up there was:
"Regardless, even if the kids started calling their SF dad, "
One more thought: I guess what I am trying to say is by allowing this, I think it just confuses the kids even more than they already are. At home they are getting the message that they are “the Joneses,” and that their SF is “dad,” and that makes it very hard for my BF to exert his role as father to them. Especially the middle one, he seems really troubled,* and I don’t think this helps. He has a very hard time obeying simple rules and requests and just doesn’t seem to recognize my BF as his father and as teh authority figure when they are staying with us.
*By troubled, I don’t mean a demon child or anything, but has problems following rules and obeying, getting along with his brothers, and lies A LOT. And has trouble in school, failed kindergarten, has been suspended a couple of times, etc. (Oh and has an, IMHO, unhealthy obsession with guns and killing and is transfixed by movies and videogames with lots of guns and killing - I know little boys like that kind of thing but I think his interest in it goes a bit too deep…)
For what it’s worth, my wife’s ex took us to court over my stepson calling me Dad.
Now, my son refers to both of us as dad (or, well, ‘daddy’, at his age), and is proud of the fact that he has two - he told his class so, the first day he started at his new school.
The judge told my wife’s ex to grow up, and dismissed it.
Anyway, my point is this: kids is smart. They’ll figure out what each of the players really is to them, regardless of what discussions or suggestions or whatever are happening around 'em. My mother-in-law, for example, doesn’t like me much and is constantly reminding my son that I’m not his ‘real’ dad. It hurt, yeah… but it was repaid, in spades, when he turned to her not that long ago and said, “Yes he is!”
And to think that, originally, I didn’t want kids… huh. 
–sofaspud
Parenting is supposed to be about doing what is right for your children. If they have two “dads” who love them and both go to bat for them, then they are luckier than most. I would suggest that you very gently point out to your BF how lucky his kids are to have so many people care so greatly about them.
I can understand how it hurts your BF’s feelings though, I do. He needs to suck it up and see it for what it is, and what it is happens to be another person who loves his children. Have him talk to his kids, be honest with them. Let them know that he feels weird. Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for.
FWIW, I have a “father” (biological) and a “dad” (step). They never got along and my dad is the proverbial nut with the tough exterior and the squishy inside. My father is the person who came and went with the wind and has influenced me more than I care to admit to anyone other than my therapist.
It hurt my father that I’d occassionally misspeak and say, “My parents…” but Dad was an acting parent, as much as it pissed my father off. My father was ungracious and would have been much better served by taking the high road.
I find most situations in life can be solved by doing the right thing. Doing the right thing may be difficult, but you never get any shit for it.
I called my (step)Dad by his real name and still do when my (half)sister isn’t around, but he’s always Dad in front of her. I mix it more and more and expect that eventually it will always be Dad.
After my mom divorced her first husband she resumed her maiden name and got a court order changing my brothers surname to hers. Of course her first husband was an alcoholic who beat her & my brother and robbed her parents at gunpoint. He never had custody or visitation and didn’t give her a dime in child support.
Isn’t that just a tad bit insecure if not selfish?
Good question. I’d like to hear his answer.
Well so what if it is selfish? That is how he feels, because he loves his kid, and he values his role as father highly. It hurts him that he can’t be “dad” full-time, and by his kids calling someone else dad, that’s a reminder of that. Besides, aren’t most feelings of hurt selfish anyway?
And on the flip-side, isn’t it selfish for a step-father to insist that the kids call him dad?
Way to get all defensive.
What exactly is your motivation in asking this question? I mean, they’re not your kids, you’re not married to one of the main characters in this story. You’re taking too big of an interest in something you have no right in making decisions about. And you asked your question in a public forum.
According to you, there are the parents, the one step-parent, and…some crazy broad who airs her boyfriend’s family dynamics on a public message board.
Oh-kay. And I’m the unreasonable one. :dubious:
These kids will someday be my stepkids. Their father is my significant other. I care about the kids very much, and spend a lot of time with them. And you say I’m “crazy” because I care about the feelings and well-being of the people involved? Oh-kay. :rolleyes: Yes, you are the unreasonable one.
The human reaction would be to feel hurt and jealous to hear your kids calling someone else “Dad”.
The adult reaction would be to let them know you’re glad that they have such a good relationship with the man who is their father 5 days a week.
They sound like they are very lucky to have so many adults in their lives who care about them. Don’t spoil it getting hung up on what they call their stepfather when they are home with him - your bf’s bond with his sons won’t be lost because they love their stepdad too. The mother can only push him out of their lives if he allows that to happen, but if he continues to be there for them and be a good and loving parent, then sooner or later they will come to see how much he means to them.
If you (or bf) make a fuss about it and demand they don’t call stepfather Dad, then you will create a lot more tension and the kids are the ones who will suffer because of it. I think your bf must be able to acknowledge that it’s good they live with a man who cares about them and who they obviously like.
No, I think you’re crazy because you’re publically airing the personal feelings and dynamics of a family you’re not part of. It’s not your place.
Cazzle, see my post from above where I said:
Also, obviously we have never “demanded they don’t call stepfather dad,” or anything remotely close to that. We’ve never ever said anything about it in front of them.
In fact when the middle kid said he wanted to change his last name, my BF simply said to him, OK if that’s what you want to do.
Yeah, you’re right - no one should ever care about, talk about, or seek opinions about anyone who is not part of their own immediate family. :rolleyes:
And yes I have no right whatsoever to care about the feelings or welfare of these children or their father, since I am not married to him yet. I shouldn’t give a flying f**k about them. In fact, why the heck did I bother to put sunscreen on them today at the pool, or fix them breakfast, or wash their clothes (or any of a number of things I did for them today) when I have no place to care about them??? Boy what a waste of my time! :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
What a martyr. Oh how I feel for you. :dubious: