Let me guess: you’re either a stepfather who needs his stepkids to call him dad due to your insecurities, or a remarried woman who, out of spite to her ex, insists that the kids call stepdad “dad.”
Well you would never admit to the above, so I’ll bet you’re a step-parent, or a remarried parent… right?
I’m currious were your BF is getting this information. I’m not trying to imply he’s a liar or anything; just that it could be his boys (if he indeed got that info from them) may be just saying that in order to spare your BF feelings.
Unless the stepdad in question is really old (as fathers go) I can’t imagine anyone doing this. Altho’ I’m sure it DOES happen. If that is the case, I’d say he (the stepfather) is an ass.
My only contention is: If the kid wants to call stepdad;- dad, why not let them?
Oh what bullshit. So you need genetics or a sign off from the government to be part of a family? She’s obviously committed to this guy. And therefore his children. Assuming she’s sincere (and I see no indication that she’s not) she’s part of the family. The government doesn’t have to tell me that.
And doesn’t have the same say as the biological parents, but has a say.
You know, there are reasons beyond spite to encourage your kids to have a close relationship with their stepfather. You might be worried they will feel like they don’t belong when their siblings call that man “dad”. You might be hoping to encourage your husband to see all his children the same, and not favor the ones he fathered.
Look, I don’t have kids, or stepkids, and I am married, so no chance of me obtaiing any, barring some extraordinary event. But I teach, and I know two things–one, kids have plenty of love to go around. They can love two fathers without cutting either sohrt, and a rising tide lifts all boats–good, positive relationships with adults foster more good, positive relationships with adults. Two, the world is a fragile fucking place. People die. The more people that are invested in your kids, the more you have protected them from the random tragedies of life.
I also think that if they really didn’t want to call this man dad, they wouldn’t mess up at you all’s house.
A practical solution might be for your SO and the stepfather to meet and find terms they could agree on that would apply to all children in both houses: Could one of them be Pop or Papa or Da something?
CrashBamSplat!, personal insults are not allowed in this forum, also your posts in general in this thread are out of line. Please familarize yourself with the rules of this message board, mostly in the About This Message Board forum.
Actually, his ex-wife told him that the stepdad insists the kids call him dad. The stepdad is not very old, about 30 years old. However, the ex-wife/mother allows the kids to call him dad, so she approves of it.
Yes you’re right, if that is what they want to call their stepdad, then that’s fine. Liek I said before, my boyfriend has never indicated any problem with it. Although he is very stoic, and I think that somewhere deep inside it hurts him a little bit.
I started this thread because I wanted to see what other people’s experieces were, whether they were a step-child or a step-parent themselves, or otherwise part of a blended family. I just know from my experiences, no one I know who is part of a blended family has ever called their step-parent “mom” or “dad,” unless the real mom or dad was completely out of the picture. Or if they were a step-parent, had the kids call them “mom” or “dad.”
When I become the kids’ stepmother, there is no way I would want them to call me “mom.” I just don’t think it’s right. They call me Brooke, because that is my name. I don’t think it would be appropriate for them to call me anything else. They already have a “mom.”
One more point - I think it’s touching when the kids are talking about something that happened at home, and they will always use “our stepdad” this and that. Although sometimes, since they are younger, they will start saying, “our dad…” then correct themselves to “I mean, our stepdad.” I think it is touching that they are cognizant of their dad’s feelings. On the same token, I think the situation is a bit confusing to them. Little kids shouldn’t have to be censoring their speech and worrying about their dad’s feelings like that.
Really? How is expressing my opinion, using no bad words*, out of line in IMHO? I can’t believe that offhandingly referring to someone as a “crazy broad” is a personal insult. It’s not like I’m invoking felching and bastard children of a monkey whore or anything. I’m mean, in the scope of personal insults, crazy broad is right up there with “super bad meany.”
*Sorry, I did use the word “shit” but only in talking about how, if you do the right thing, you don’t get any shit for it.
No. First off, I’m a woman, thankyouverymuch. Second, I’m a married mother of one. Not a second marriage, but a first, and my husband is my child’s father.
You are not a step-parent. I don’t care how much you care for and love those children, you have no say in their lives.
You said yourself: * “my BF graciously has never commented or complained about any of these issues himself. I have asked him if these things bother him but he just takes the attitude that you can’t change it. But he’s just so grateful that the kids have a normal guy for a stepdad who loves them and treats them right, so he’s willing to overlook these things. I think that is a real stand-up attitude on his part.”*
So my question is: WHY?
To what end and to what purpose are you asking these questions? Your SO is gracious, after all, and in your OP you do a lot of *thinking * (my bolding):
However, “**I also feel strongly that ** the idea got into his head to use stepfather’s last name because he has heard it talked about at home. **I think ** that his mother would much rather the kids have her new last name, because she is kind of bitter towards my BF. And **I think ** she has said things in front of the kids to this effect, which **I think ** is wrong - you should never ever say anything negative about the other parent in front of the kids.”
No! You definitely don’t need genetics! I understand she’s committied to this man (and possibly his family), but they’re not married. They have no kids together. She has no right. If this guy were to be in an accident and go brain dead, she would have no say.
She is not legally any part of his family or his life.
My point: She has no right.
She has no right legally and she has no right etiquette-wise. She has gone over the line and I bet her SO would be horrified by this thread.
You don’t think that calling someone a “crazy broad” is a personal insult? 
Wow. I would bet that most people would view it as an insult to be called a “crazy broad.”
Um, have you even read this thread? I answered this several times:
In my OP I said:
Post 19:
Post 46:
I hope that helps explain it… :rolleyes:
This thread has nothing to do with what legal rights I have. I simply asked what peoples’ experiences have been in similar situations. That is why I posted this thread in IMHO, duh!
So what you’re saying is, that until the moment I say “I do,” I have no “right” to care about the feelings of the man I love, or the feelings and welfare of his children, who live with us 2/7ths of the time? That’s quite an extreme view.
It’s a wonder anyone ever gets married, given your viewpoint that we shouldn’t care about anyone we’re not married to, or their families…
So I take it you didn’t care about your husband’s feelings or the feelings or welfare of any of his family members before you got married? Did you have an arranged marriage?
And if you split from your husband and had another relationship in which you were together for years, and planned to be married… you don’t think that man would have any right to be concerned about or care about your child?
And, are you saying that you don’t care about any children not your own? So if you suspected a child close to you, who you spent 2 days out of every 7 living with and taking care of, was abused, neglected, or having any sort of problem, you think it’s totally inappropriate to CARE… to care enough to seek opinions of other people in similar circumstances?
I call bullsh*t on you.
Finally, I would like to see how you would feel if you got divorced and your husband remarried, and his new wife insisted that your kids call her “mom,” and whenever you saw them, they talked about “mom this…” and “mom that…” And even wanted to change their last name to hers…
If you honestly did not feel any feelings towards this, then I would be inclined to think you are not human. Just my humble opinion.
I second the idea of only having one “dad” - if he is involved in the kids’ lives.
Calling one pop, poppa, da or similar may be a solution…what about another one though. I married (ok I’m a little older than 8) into a Chinese family, calling dad in law “dad” was very much expected culturally, and although he would never say anything was a big deal to him. The idea of two dad’s just totally squicked me out though - so I called him Lao Dhao - pronunced low dao (Cantonese word for dad) - everybody happy all round 
… could you reach a similar agreement? What about calling stepdad “uncle XXXXX” - still the correct level of respect (which would be why I would be uncomfortable with first name alone) without using dad.
As to middle boy taking step dad’s last name, wrong, wrong and wrong again. However, before doing anything explore very carefully what bought it about - it may have been mentioned casually at the exes house, it may be a campaign, then again it could just be an 8 y / o trying to fit in. Making an issue out of it in front of son would be a mistake, but perhaps gently explore with him what a name means and why it is important?
You better believe it. Especially since you came back to elaborate on your use of the word “crazy”. You may abide by our rules, or you may leave the board. Your call.