Plan unpaid weekend overtime into your project as a matter of course. Try to get a twinkle in your eye when you talk about the upcoming weekend work.
Extra bonus points for making everyone come to team-building exercises on their time off (without pay). The lamer you can make the team-building exercises, the better. People like feeling like they work with Dilbert or Jim and Pam.
Assuming you deal directly with customers, establish strict procedural policies for your employees to follow in dealing with them. The more petty and convoluted, the better. Emphasize that they should make absolutely no exceptions. Then, every time a customer inevitably complains, agree to “bend the rules just this once” so your employee looks like the anal-retentive petty tyrant and you appear as the “thinks-outside-the-box” hero who can cut through all the silly red tape. As soon as the customer leaves, criticize the employee for not handling it better.
Now, if you’ll just do all of these things, and try to have some stank breath and try to be a nasty person in general, and you’ll have all the makings of a damn fine boss.
Remember:
You know everything. You must never be wrong.
Also, try hanging a clock where everyone can see it. Make sure the clock is marked [Anamika’s Department] Time.
Brag about how your company “runs lean.” Everyone working their asses off because the company won’t hire enough staff to do the work that needs to be done (or replace people who quit) is a good thing - it shows you know how to get the most out of your staff. Ignore a trend towards people taking medical leave for burning out and stress.
Require every single document to go through your desk, then whine at your staff when things are late due to being bottlenecked in your IN box.
Demand that your staff “keep you appraised” by sending a daily progress report, then instead of reading them make each person in staff give you the same information verbally.
Set up outings centered around your hobbies and call them “team building exercises”.
Anybody who isn’t in the office when you get in, isn’t there when you go out and has the gall to use the bathroom is not displaying proper “team spirit”.
If someone tells you, way in advance and several times over, about their planned trip and the time they need off, assure them that all will be well and it’s on the schedule. Two weeks before the trip, unveil a schedule that has no sign of any vacation time upon it. Accuse them of never having said a word about needing time off. When they come back, retaliate by scheduling them to work one shift a month instead of just firing them.
Also, if anyone makes a minor mistake, scream at them about it for 10 minutes. Be sure to do this where all the customers and other employees can hear!
Did you know that Southern Comfort smells just like some of those caramel flavored gourmet coffees?
Just sayin’
Remember to bad-mouth your underlings at meetings and to suck up to those above you. Anytime you can make yourself look good by talking about how bad your staff is time well spent. If you can do this 8 hours a day you have achieved perfection.
Also remember to never bring information to your staff from a meeting nor take information from staff to the meeting. Just make it up and if you are wrong … see above, your staff is wrong, never you.
Your staff doesn’t need awards - that is what they get paid for. On the other hand, your hard work deserves any awards offered but there’s no need to mention them to your staff, they are already greedy enough.
Never try to fix or prevent problems. That’s not the important bit. The important bit is finding somebody to blame for all problems.
Taking out your problems on your underlings is always fun and empowering.
Never let somebody get back to you with information. Always make them tell you on the spot. If they tell you something and it turns out to be wrong, they’re lying. If they say “I don’t know”, they’re waffling.
Always wait until the last minute to ask someone to do something. That keeps them on their toes.
When you do request something, be sure never to tell them when you need it.
Make sure they don’t have enough information to know what you actually want. If they ask follow-up questions, they’re pestering you and wasting your time. If they don’t, and give you the wrong thing, they’re incompetent.
Communicate with your underlings via telepathy.
ETA: Make sure the restroom has a door that is easy to set to lock when you close it when you leave. Put up a note in the restroom threatening to fire anyone who leaves the door locked. People are always more productive when they’re clenching their knees together.
Channel your inner 12-year-old mean girl. Gossip like mad, spread rumors, make your “yes” really mean “no” (and vice versa) and then tell employees they should have known what you really meant by your tone.
Have uncomfortable discussions with your employees that skirt the lines. All the things you don’t talk about in mixed company? Talk about them.
You can do anything if you call it a “team building exercise.” Anything! Think workplace fear factor. Immunity idols. Or just send out inexplicable assignments and type “Team Exercise” on the top.
Basically ask yourself, “Are my employees going to tell their friends and loved ones about this?” If the answer is “no,” if what you’re doing is seems blah or uneventful, ramp up your behavior until they have a story.
Instead of holding your middle managers accountable for their team, directly discipline the team-member for any mistakes, even if the middle manager told them to do it.
My boss does this constantly, and I’m the middle manager. One of my most stressful duties is trying to keep my team’s morale up when one of them gets punished for following my orders. At least they still respect me, but only because I’m on their side and agree it is bullshit. Meetings with my boss on how to fix this problem (read: yelling at each other) has yet to yield results. The rumor that I got into a screaming match with the boss about it has done wonders for my reputation though 
Be sure to discuss religion in the office. Especially with the people who don’t share your religious beliefs or lack thereof. Your role model here should be Pat Robertson, or, if you’re an atheist, Richard Dawkins.
Make fun of any religious observance you see your employees doing. This is a good time of year for that, because you can put down Christians who are doing something for Lent, and coming up you’ll have your shot at Jews who observe Passover.
Friday, April 2, would be a great day to have a mandatory team-building lunch. Make sure it’s at a restaurant that doesn’t serve any fish or vegetarian dishes, or get it catered and don’t include any non-meat options. The Catholics and the Jews will both be following their religious dietary restrictions that day, and you can give them all kinds of crap for not eating meat or bread.
Be sure to comment on any food you see your underlings eating. They need to know if their food looks disgusting, or if what they’re eating is way too unhealthy, or if their food is just weird.
Don’t forget the comments on their personal appearance! Especially weight. Overweight people tend to forget that they are overweight if someone doesn’t tell them eight or ten times a day. They might also forget that being overweight is unhealthy, be sure to remind them.
Bringing donuts to every meeting, and then commenting (or making oinking sounds) when overweight people take them is good fun.
Try all the crazy fad diets, and be sure to tell everybody about them. They need to know if a particular diet makes you fart a lot or turns your poo weird colors or textures, too.
Tell them about any surgeries you’ve had, in excruciating detail. Repeatedly.
Whatever system is normally used in your organization to schedule meetings, don’t use it. If people normally schedule meetings in Outlook, don’t use Outlook to schedule your meetings. Send out emails about the meetings instead, and make sure that these don’t go out on the same day as the actual meeting. Be sure to give your emails cutesy subject headers that don’t give any hint that this email is about a meeting.
Remember: How you deliver bad news is key.
When our division was disbanded and we were moved into another division, the way our Director did it is classic.
He informed us that as of a certain date, our division was closed and our jobs were gone. Then he allowed that to sink in for a couple of minutes. THEN and only then did he tell us that we were all being laterally moved to the other division.
Be sure to forward lots of glurge.
Install malware on your computer. This will make the IT guys love you.
Training? What’s that? Any person who’s not stupid can do any job without training.
A good programmer can write a complex program quickly and get it right the first time. They don’t need extra time to test their code.
Remember that all software comes from the vendors bug-free. Your underlings who install it have to put the bugs in by hand when they do the install. Therefore, any software bugs are their fault.
Do you work in The Office?
That sounds just like something Michael would do.
For additional finesse, schedule the team-building exercises at an executive golf resort about three hours outside the city. This will give employees a chance to see how the Other Half lives, and help them learn valuable improvisational skills arranging transportation.
Tell ethnic, racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes. If someone objects, make it clear that they are a member of the “offenderati”, and have no sense of humor.
Bring in food, and leave it in the office fridge until it grows fur. Then, dump it into the sink. Don’t bother running the garbage disposal, or even getting it into the drain. Just leave it there in the sink, someone else can wash it down the drain.
Never flush.
Use two cans of room freshener every time you go to the bathroom.
Turn the sound on your computer to maximum volume. Set your default beep to something annoying. Use an instant messaging program that chimes after each person finishes typing.
Get the most annoying ringtone you can find, and set it to maximum volume. Make sure somebody calls your phone several times a day.
Leave your phone in your office when you go for a two hour power lunch. Have it set to maximum volume as already recommended, so the staff eating lunch at their desks can enjoy your ringtone throughout the whole lunch.
Make all your calls on your speakerphone with your office door open. Peons should be able to concentrate on their work with your voice washing over them; it should make them feel safe and secure to ALWAYS be hearing you.