More importantly, designate a point person for the weekend, because you have a seminar, in Las Vegas.
Make sure to wear your goofy golf outfits to work on the days you leave early to go play. It’ll put everyone in a joyful mood. Watch porn on your computer when you think no one on your staff is watching.
True story - you couldn’t make this up.
My boss: We should produce this output in Filetype B
Coworker: Hmmm. Oooookkkk, but you do realise everything else we produce is in Filetype A? Everything’s set up for A, and we don’t have any templates for Filetype B, so they’ll have to be produced from scratch and will add several days to the production time.
Boss: I don’t care. I’ll allow for that in the planning.
Coworker: Also, the outputs will probably not be as good as with Filetype A either, as the B software is more general-purpose, and isn’t as well tailored for this kind of job.
Boss: Like I said, I don’t care.
Coworker: OK, just so you know, I am advising strongly against Filetype B.
Boss: For God’s sake, I’m your boss. Stop arguing with me and just do what I say!
Coworker then runs round like a headless chicken, has to pull several other departments into the drama of setting up outputs in Filetype B. Delivery is delayed by weeks, and the result is a bit of a pig’s ear.
When the output finally arrives on the Boss’s desk, Boss calls coworker.
Boss: This isn’t particularly good, and it’s late.
Coworker: That’s because we had to deliver in Filetype B. Like I said, the software isn’t as good for the purpose, and we had to build all new templates from scratch.
Boss: Well why the HELL didn’t you produce it in Filetype A like all the other outputs?!
Coworker: …
The sad thing was that there is a full email trail of the first conversation, but Coworker is too intimidated by the Boss to reveal it. 
One company I worked for many years ago;
Announce in August that the company is making a good profit and should be paying a handsome amount of profit sharing at the end of the year.
Then in December, announce that you decided to buy a bunch of office furniture instead, so there will be no profit sharing this year.
Announce in February that you’re intending to issue stock to your employees as a way of giving a bonus.
In May, when you give out the stock, give out 10,000 shares to each of FIVE “Key Employees who are making the place work” and a mere 100 shares to the other 35 employees.
Watch the mass exodus begin.
End of the year: Close the company because you’ve lost all but your “key” employees.
During a performance review, tell employee that she’s not getting much of a raise or additional stock options because an easily-verified metric has her responsible for less work than everybody else in her department. When employee double checks the easily-verified metric and comes back and says “Um, boss, you said my number was 17K when in fact it’s 54K, putting me in the top tenth of employees based on this number” act sheepish and claim you’ll make it right. Come back a week later and say “I already put in the numbers for the raises and it can’t be changed.” Don’t ever mention again that you screwed up.
I’m still pissy about that one, because that was in the 90s when stock options were worth something. A conservative estimate is that I may have lost something like $15K-$35K because my boss didn’t run his metrics right.
Or hold a mandatory drugs and alcohol test at 8 the next morning.
Remember that any time one of your employees takes time off it is basically just to get out of doing work. A good tactic is to cancel their leave at the very last minute - make up a reason if you have to. This shows the employees who is in change and, really, they were probably just going to sit around their filthy little house with their filthy little children anyway. The really lazy employees will try crying when you do this … DO NOT fall for it.
I had a boss who did just this. Whenever any kind of crunch was on he would randomly cancel leave. For some reason it was always the mousier people in the office who quietly cried at their desk rather than those of us who made a fuss. See how that breeds trust and confidence within a staff? Use it!
January? Everyone knows that you lay people off right before Christmas, so that those who are left won’t be able to talk to each other, and those who are gone won’t have the bummer of thinking about going back to work after the vacation is over.
The party right before is a nice touch though.
Ok, so here’s my list:
[ul]
[li]Make sure you have a favorite. Make this obvious by letting your favorite set his own hours, and spend at least an hour a day chatting to the favorite, while everyone else is working.[/li][li]Make sure you criticize others in the office for the favorite’s faults. Whether or not they actually evidence those faults.[/li][li]Make sure you let your personal moods interfere with the office. When YOU are in a bad mood, make sure the whole office is in a bad mood, too. After all, why should THEY be happy? You are grouchy.[/li][li]As you have a favorite, make sure that one of the people in the office is the Un-favorite, the one that you blame everything on and kick all the time (metaphorically).[/li][/ul]
Gah!
Try to get as much free work as possible out of your employees, and never reward them for extra effort. Beg, command, threaten, anything that works. Better yet, hire people you don’t have to pay, like your mother, she would make a great free receptionist.
Force your employees to use custom software made in house by you, even thought more stable, functional, and useful software is commonly and freely available. Don’t offer any training on the custom software for new employees, after all, it works exactly like that other thing, and everyone knows how to use that.
Ignore any actual training, experience, or degrees your employees have. They are your employees, they can do anything you need them to do. That marketing guy can test software, he knows how to use a computer. That perl developer can answer your question about Java libraries, all programmers know that stuff.
But those employees cannot possibly know as much as you. When several of your employees inform you that bringing a computer in from an unheated garage in the middle of winter into a warm office can cause condensation and should be allowed to warm up for a few hours, ignore them, cuz after all you know about computers, they’re just employees. When the computer you just brought in dies with a pop and a fizz and a puff of magic smoke after you turn it on, make sure to glare at the employees who tried to help you for the rest of the day.
Run your company so badly that you bounce paychecks. When employees start taking earlier and earlier lunches so they can be the first to get to the bank with their check, start enforcing a set lunch hour.
Lure in contractors with promises of bonuses and permanent hiring after X amount time. At X - a week, fire the contractor for ‘attendance issues’. Inform the contractor of this event by calling him on his way home from work and telling him that his stuff will be mailed to him. Lure in more contractors.
When transferred to a new division, demand your new reports demonstrate to your satisfaction the most basic of skills necessary for the job. Question their abilities, experience, and professionalism. Do so without warning, explanation, or feedback.
Never admit that your company is ‘laying people off’. At first, totally deny it. Then later, say it’s ‘extremely unlikely’. Then still later say that ‘none are planned at this time’. Eventually, say that ‘there will no layoffs, but some contractors might have their contracts terminated prematurely’. Finally, while laying off large groups of people with reckless abandon, continue to repeat that ‘it’s business as usual, and there is no cause for concern’. Hold special meetings to announce this. Schedule these meetings in rooms next to areas that are being laid off that very minute, so that attendees can see groups of people carrying boxes being led out of the building by security walking right past the room.
I could go on, but I’m raged out. I’ve seen every single one of these things at least once. Yes, I worked for a guy who had his mother doing receptionist work without pay.
I had one of those. My wife looked at newly unemployed me like I was crazy when I did a happy dance after my last day at that hellhole.
Suh-weet. Bonus points if you lay off people DURING the Christmas party!
From personal experience with the jerkiest of jerk bosses:
[ul]
[li]Tell everyone how important it is to respond to every email and return all phone calls by the end of the day, or certainly within 24 hours … then fails to reply to own emails or phone calls.[/li][li]Say his door is always open … then keeps his door shut most of the time.[/li][li]Announce that money is tight so no unnecessary travel … then travels to frivolous trade shows in order to accumulate air miles for himself.[/li][li]Brag about how smart he is all the time … when all he does is spew BS. [/li][li]Talk about how clever, athletic, or otherwise amazing are his kids … and not once inquire about your family.[/li][li]Be so clueless that you make Michael Scott look like a genius.[/li][/ul]
make sure to send emails out to your team at 03:00hrs, just to underline how long and hard you work for the company.
Add that little signature line “from my Blackberry” or “from my iPhone” and say innocently, “That was from the trade show in Fiji. Sorry about the time difference.”
Bonus if you don’t allow iPhones or Blackberries for the staff.
Oh yeah! Promise that you will allow cell phone expense reimbursements. Make all of your staff buy them. Then - abruptly yank the reimbursements! And insist people be available by cell phones.
Be more wishy-washy than a Whirlpool top-loader. Tell the more vulnerable members of the team (contractors, new hires) how vitally important they are to daily functions, then lay them off less than 24 hours later for the flimsiest of reasons. On Monday, commiserate with your underlings in private about how poorly the team lead is treating them and how close he is to being dismissed for his high-handed tactics. On Wednesday, tell your underlings that the team lead has carte blanche in how he treats them and to do whatever he says no matter how high-handed he’s being. Promptly get rid of any staff who seem to have a problem with this.
Have no idea what you’re doing. Sponsor an initiative to hire a new team member from Asia to help you smooth out your business dealings over there and fly him to your home office for three months of training at great expense to the company. When one of your staff asks you what your plans are exactly to get the new guy up and running two days before he’s due to arrive, just shrug and say, “Gee, I hadn’t really thought that far yet.” Delegate the new guy’s training to the a senior team member without realizing that said team member really wants your job and is out to make you look like an idiot by nuking your initiative. Do nothing to follow up on the training that the new guy is supposedly getting. Act surprised when the new guy leaves three months later knowing just as little about the team’s work as he did when he first got there.
Back in the early 90’s, one of my really bad managers was big on a lot of the stuff I’ve posted here, including Face Time.
He got sent out east to do some training. We all came in to find that he had left us voicemail messages, long ones, basically giving each of us a status report of where he expected we should be on my projects. Mine was tagged at 1:50am, which would be 2:50am eastern time, where he was. It was easily over five minutes long. Where I should be at, what he expected to see when he got back, possible issues he had thought up, etc.
The first thought in my head was “I thought WE were supposed to be giving HIM status reports, not the other way around”. My second and persistent thought was “What a fucking nutbag.”
From one place I worked:
At 3:15 Friday afternoon, tell single mother of 2 elementary-school-aged children that starting on Monday she’ll be working the 3:30 pm-12:00 am swing shift. No, you can’t give her a reason why you didn’t tell her any sooner.
Don’t forget to remind your team about the ‘Big Hairy Audacious Goals’.