No matter what Homer says (er, will say), beer is NOT your friend.
You want to write that novel? Stay home and write it. Get it out of your system. Your mother’s giving you the opportunity. Take it.
And see a shrink. You’re in hell because you’re mourning your father’s death and you don’t realize it.
Oh, and ditto on the Microsoft stock. 
When your buddy’s fiancee hits on you, run like hell! Then run some more. Then stop and rest. Then run more.
And NO MATTER WHAT, don’t marry her!
A lot of this advice would have much better suited me if it were to my 14 year old self instead. But I’ll give it a stab:
Appreciate every last second of High School. I know you’re eager to graduate, but you’ll never get this chance again. Go get your lettermans jacket and earn yourself a letter!
That money you’re getting for lunch from dad? Save it. Save it all. Bring PBJs from home. You’re going to need it later. It would be much more usefull to give myself that advice at 14 so I’d have a 4 year head start.
Try your damndest to get a work ethic. Easier said than done with my 18 year old self. When you do finally get your first “real” job, do NOT quit in anger and take the entire summer off to smoke weed.
I’m sorry, but this just made me laugh.
Learn how to socialize and act like a normal person. Years from now, you’ll wish you had made friends in college and not just stayed in the dorm all the time, watching reruns of 227 while working calculus problems.
You’re going to drive yourself into nuts in a couple of years if you don’t learn how to control your anxiety better. You’re going to get a C in organic chemistry lab, not an F. You will never make anything lower than a C in any of your classes. You’re never going to lose your scholarship. You’re not going to be fired for killing all the rotifers in the wet lab. You will be one of the best students in your ecology classes, and you’ll get to go to graduate school on a full-ride. Yes, everyone knows you have a fear of failure, and yes, we know that you sometimes do stupid things. But if you don’t shake this self-loathing bullshit now, you’re going to spend the next 12 years of your life in a miserable dysthymic state.
Eat some sushi. Believe me, you’ll love it.
Dump her.
Of course, had I dumped her, the next two years would have been way different, and I may not have me the new her.
Do NOT ask that cute cheerleader to the Valentine’s Day ELP concert at the Arena, because the very next day, one of your friends will tell you they saw her at the Murphysboro airport, getting on the plane with the band.
Instead, you should have asked her even better looking, non-cheerleader roommate, who it turns out REALLY likes you but no, you have to go for the glory and leave the nice girl behind, who as it turns out, becomes a pretty good friend of yours later, but will never go out with you because that Valentine’s Day episode left always thinking you were pretty superficial, which let’s face it, you most certainly are, but you still are going to miss out on a really good thing with a great girl, and not gotten crapped on by the cheerleader.
Just ten cents on the dollar in a long term savings account will make a huge difference in 2007. Quit smoking! Finish college, you were right. Teaching was what you really wanted to do
Start writing that science fiction. Don’t worry about rejection – write a story, send it off, and then write another.
Stop being so damn arrogant.
Hey idgit, that girl that you have knowns since the 10th grade? You know, the one that has all ways been your back up date when you were between girl friends? Yeah that one. Don’t let go, don’t lose track, hold on to her. You will be very happy if you do this.
Oh, and save your money, in March of 1971, convince your dad to go in with you and buy a house in Northridge. You can thank me for both of these later.
Dump him. He’s not right for you and you damn well know it now, not 7 years from now.
Explore yourself more. Don’t be so afraid of yourself. Be alone. Learn to not be so damn dependent on the world around you and find out who you are.
Did I mention Dump him?
You know, as I type this, I wonder who I’d be today had I taken my 47-year-old advice. I’m happy with who I am today but I do regret spending all of my high school with my now ex-husband. I should have sowed a few more wild oats in my youth.
All dated 1980-
Jesus is taking His time to come back… maybe so you can make something of yourself.
The Birchers are a little crazy. Learn from them. They have valuable info, but they are deservedly on the fringe.
Yes- think deeply about your faith, stay committed to it, but calm down about the evangelizing. Same with your politics.
Exercize more. Eat less.
Listen more. Talk less.
Ask more girls out, especially the happy emotionally-healthy ones, even if they don’t seem as deep as the troubled ones, or as alluring. Happy, cute & ditzy doesn’t mean
brain-dead.
The troubled ones… be friendly and kind to them, but do not think you can help them. You can’t save everyone- no, make that anyone.
Attend to detail in your college assignments, and to detail AND speed in your exams.
Go to plays, concerts, college activities more- you’re a good student and you can take more breaks from your studies.
Make connections. Stay in touch with three people from college- the leader of the campus ministry & College Repubs Mike Pence and those acting majors Woody Harrellson and Clint Allen.
Get that Driver’s license & a decent little car. Stand up more to your Dad.
Take some writing courses, even if you did test out of having to take any College English. Also, some Drama & Film courses. Keep at that creative writing.
Take a refresher Math course… and also a basic computer one. You’ll never be a math or tech or science wizz but you shouldn’t be intimidated by any of that either.
Everyone you admire, in personal life & the public arena, is deeply flawed. Many whom one you disdain, likewise, have something worth attending to.
Yep.
And…
Enjoy yourself. Stop worrying.
You’re beautiful. Now work on being smart.
Be more confident and assertive with women. You could have been getting more ass than a toilet seat.
Get educated. You are not the dumb loser your mother made you out to be.
Kick your younger sister totally out of your life now, not 12 years from now. She has been programmed by your mother.
Wait to get married and take advantage of the opportunities to advance your education. Quit smoking too.
Open an IRA. Dad will probably be glad to give you money for it.
Move off campus and live there full time. In a few years, it really makes things cheaper tuition-wise.
Get a job. A GOOD job. Not bagging groceries.
Pick the blonde. Don’t let her boyfriend bother you, they’re breaking up soon.
Travel, travel, travel! (Especially if you can get the folks to spring for it)
Join some clubs on campus.
Ditch the shorts. They are way too small.
Shower immediately after working out.
Clean up after yourself, you slob!
And most importantly: You are way better looking than you think. People will like you if you are nice. They don’t know that you’re a “loser.”