What is the point of the airport security droids anyway?
This morning in Philadelphia, at a slack period, I go thru the security checkpoint. By carry-on is being x-rayed, and there’s some pointing and conversation taking place. The x-rayers call over to another security person, who is deeply engaged in some very non-security conversation with somebody, and she’s really annoyed that her small talk is interrupted by a passenger’s bag. She asks me if this bag is mine, I say yes.
Now, my approach to these situations is to follow their instructions, answer their questions, don’t offer any additional info or small talk, definitely do not make jokes, and then move on. She tells me to carry my bag over to this table. (Is this how it’s done in security-school? When you suspect someone of carrying a weapon, and they know it, you should always ask them to carry it around for you?)
Then she says, and I quote - “You don’t have no knife in here, do you?”
And understand this- she’s still trying to carry on the chit chat with her friend when she says this, in between sentences. She doesn’t even look at me.
In my over-mathematical mind, I think, “It is not correct to say that it is not the case that this bag contains no knife” But I decide against it.
Then I remember, I have a Leatherman in my bag - stuck way down at the bottom, in a shoe. (A Leatherman is a multi-purpose tool with screwdrivers, saws, files, pliers, etc. that you can wear on your belt. I always travel with it, and sometimes it arouses suspicion, but I’ve never had any trouble.) The thing is, a Leatherman also has a couple of nasty-looking knife blades that must be right on the edge (so to speak) of being legal (and probably aren’t) for air travel. I do not want to pull it out and wave it around.
I consider my answer for a second, and start to say “I have a Leatherman in there”, but I can see that I’m taking up way too much of this security-droid’s time. She interrupts me with another question about knives, but I can’t understand it, because now we’re both talking at the same time, and she’s still trying to listen to her friend (they’re talking in some sort of afro-philly dialect that I can’t even understand).
When I do get her attention, I say slowly “There’s a Leatherman in there - do you know what that is?”
She says, and I quote, “That’s what I’m saying”
That’s what you’re saying? I haven’t understood a fucking word you’re saying!
She then does this thing that I’ve seen these guardians of air piracy do before. She unzips my bag, and inserts her fingers maybe up to the second knuckle, and sweeps them thru the bag. I don’t believe she even touched the contents, and definitely didn’t look for “no knife”. She hands me the bag, and I get the hell out of there.
What the fuck kind of search is that? Why are you wasting my time with this crap?
What a waste.
