Aisle Rage or Don't Touch That, I Might Have Been Thinking About Buying It

The BBQ Pit
1

I have sinned.

I apparently possess no shopping etiquette whatsoever, based on last night’s events at Lowe’s Home Improvement Center (our motto: “We Have Lots of Employees, All Trained To Disappear The Moment You Need Something”).

I was in my favorite department, searching for a staple item. I see a bunch of them up ahead, and approach as another customer, apparently dissatisfied with his choice , puts one down and moves on to a similar but different item a few feet away. I pick up the discarded item and head back toward my shopping cart, only to be assailed from behind by a sardonic and witty putdown: "Well, thank you, SIR!

I have offended! Little did I realize that even though the other shopper had moved away, his unseen tentacles of possession still reached out to the item I had rudely purloined.

And what was this object of lust, you may ask? A first-run video game? A life-sized inflatable Beanie Baby? No.

A bag of dirt. To be exact, a 40-pound bag of potting soil, by all appearances identical to the few dozen other bags of dirt still resting on the pile, but undoubtedly unique in some still-to-be-explained way. Perhaps this is the bag that holds the key to raising champion plants! Or maybe, through some chain of skulduggery, it contains the fabulous Mazarin Diamond, and I will be rich beyond my wildest dreams!!
Now I’ve got to rush home, split open that bag, run my fingers through its peaty goodness and cackle uncontrollably in the throes of consumer possessiveness.

But I can never go back to that Lowe’s again. :frowning:

2

I award you extra points for using “skulduggery” and “purloined”.

3

As long as you weren’t the guy who was too bloody lazy to pick up his own bag of dirt from 10 feet away and decided instead to take the one I had just placed on my cart, you’re forgiven.

If you are that schmuck, then I spit on you.

-BK

4

Ah… so it was YOU, Jackmannii!

I might have known.

Not only was it not enough that you shadowed me from the SuperWalmart grocery store where you malicioiusly took the one true 24oz Cheese Ravioli, but you eagerly stalked my movements as I searched for the Majik Bag 'o Dirt™.

There I was, on the very cusp of fulfilling my lifelong quest, and then You… YOU! distracted me by Satanicly throwing your voice over to the garden spade display.

“Help me, Help me, NoClueBoy!” I heard. I rushed to the aid of the faerie stuck in the limbo of missing UPCs. Too late, I realised that the distressed creature called me BY MY NAME! How would the spade faerie have known my true name, as I use a pseudonym in real life to protect my identitity. That, and a large sombrero with many tassels.

That is when I felt your vile, wicked presence, and as I turned around I saw the most unholy sight of you. How I was filled with both repulsion and rage.

“Well, thank you, Sir!” I called out, the sacred challange of our ilk in the language of our forebears. Yet, ignore me you did.

I gave chase, but the always over helpful employees descended upon me, no doubt under your evil spell, helping me to purchase what was neede to remodel my home in a French Colonial motif.

Now, not only do I NOT have my Majik Bag 'o Dirt™, I am in debt some $30,000 to my VISA account.

I curse you, Jackmannii :mad:

5

Even the lowest among us must recognize that once the bag of dirt has entered the shopping cart of another, it has passed from the common purview and must be ignored.

Even if it is the very last bag of Fargo All-Bark Premium Mulch, the preferred brand of professional landscapers…pant…pant…

6

You took the last French Colonial conversion kit? So now I’ve got to re-do my equipment shed in Greek Revival?

You will pay.

7

TO THE PAIN!!!

8

I buy all my big bags o’ dirt from Home Depot, dammit! No wonder I haven’t found any diamonds!

Oh yeah, about the guy who took the bag from the cart? Go wild. No jury will convict.

9

Okay, show of hands. Who here thinks Jackmannii is getting a little too het up over garden products and needs either a cold shower or a nice lie-down far away from the gardening catalog, or possibly both?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.