Al Queda has a membership application form? Call me a skeptic but...

According to this AP story the Justice Department says Jose Padilla signed some kind of membership form for Al Qaeda in July of 2000.

That just starts all kind of BS alarm bells in my head. Why would they create a paper trail for their operatives?

Is there some kind of “legitimate” political organization that run in parallel with Al Qaeda, like Sinn Fein and the IRA?

Somehow a membership form makes them sound much more official, and now I’m imagining Al Qaeda telemarketing. :eek:

Hello there, sir. My name is Brad, and I’m calling on behalf of Al Qaeda. Perhaps you’ve of us?"
Today we have a very special introductory offer for first-time members. I can sign you up right now over the phone. Now, do you have any experience with dynamite or chemicals? What are your feelings about infidels? Or if you prefer crushing the Zionist imperialist dogs, I can just take your information down and put you on our mailing list. Remember out motto- ‘At Al Qaeda, we put people first.’

I can hear the interview questions now:

Can we call the people you have listed as references, or have you executed them all?

Can you please explain why you left the last terrorist organization you worked for, or are you still under contract to them?

Please tell me about a time when you had to deal with a difficult hostage, and how you resolved the situation.

Give an example of a situation in which you failed to meet your goal, and how you would handle things the next time you are in that situation.

Were you required to meet specific goals at your last terrorist job, and what incentives were you given? Were bonuses offered as an incentive for exceeding your goal by a certain percentage of people killed?

Are you interested in part-time or full-time employment? Are you available weekends and evenings? Are you willing to work on Holy Days? Are you willing to travel? We cannot always guarantee that you will be able to take breaks at prayer time…will you have a problem with that?

Benefits are only available for full-time terrorists, and begin after you have survived your first 90 days. If you are killed or maimed in the first 90 days, no compensation is available. If you are still alive after 90 days, you can apply for an “extra virgin-in-heaven” plan. The average rate of virgin-accrual is 1.6 virgins per month, based on a 40 hour work week. After you have accrued 40 virgins, you will be required to undertake one suicide mission before you can accrue any more virgins. Virgins cannot be carried over to the next fiscal year, nor can you pledge your virgins to another terrorist. (Please note that the company makes no promises that the virgins-in-heaven will be female, or human.}

Yup, that’s what I’ve always heard –

Virgins – use them or lose them.

“Al-Qaeda is an equal-opportunities employer”

  1. Full Address:____________________________

4a. If that’s your real address, we are so not going to hire you.

Gives a whole new meaning to :eek:

Damn, I was gonna sign up, but the form is one of those darn .pdfs.

I suspect I was rejected because I misused the word jihad in the essay question. I thought it was some kind of cowboy holler.

There’s actually an Onion article about that, entitled “Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing”. Great image, but you have to pay to read the article.

Well Hell, how do you expect a decent terrorist organization to make it’s pension and medical care coverage* programs work without paperwork?

Next you’ll be telling me that Al Qaeda doesn’t have a huge, secret, underground spa and resort in Antarctica.

Not dental, though. That’s only for the heathen infidels.

Joking aside, I recall that it has been documented that there was a swearing-in ceremony to the IRA, where various questions were asked of the applicant, including “are you prepared to kill innocent people to further the cause?”

It wouldn’t surprise me - after all, prosecutions for membership of the IRA were often the result of a leaked/discovered paper trail. But then, the IRA has pretentions of being a real army (of sorts), quite unlike Al-Qaeda.

I’m stuck on question #1: Religion. Should I put “Catholic” or simply “Christian”? Gosh, I’d hate to be rejected based on a technicality.

This sounds so much like a Monty Python sketch!

I can see John Cleese as the interviewer, sitting behind a desk in his robes, and Michael Palin coming in in a suit…

I’d just check d) None of the above/Infidel.

It might be best if you put “That’s not a question,” because I bet they’re really into technicalities like that.

  1. Have you ever been on a suicide mission before?

11a. If yes, why the hell are you still here?

I imagine him sitting in the living room of his former gang club house asking the loitering members things like, “Am I a self-starter?”, “Would you say that my ride qualifies as ‘reliable transportation’?”, and “You think I could kill a few dozen North Africans because there is an American air base in Saudi Arabia?”

The Smoking Gun (among other places) has a copy of the Defense Department Report on Padilla. On page 2, it describes the application.