I hate Allston. Boston-West? No. Boston-Crap. Burn it, bomb it, blow it up; whatever, I don’t care. It is the magnet of all things dirty and skeevey. I know this having lived four weeks of my life there, before packing up and never looking back. But now, tonight, I must return. My favorite band is playing in a club there, and I never miss them (Last time they came through Cambridge. Why o’ why couldn’t it be Cambridge again?)
I looked up the club on GoogleMaps and surprise the place is farting distance from my old apartment. Great, what a flood of memories. I will get to say hello to all the same dirty poor college kids and scary illegal immigrants that wander the streets at every hour like zombies of stupid. Want to know what I learned in the weeks of living there? Here is the secret of how to walk through Allston: Find the most BEAUTIFUL girl on the streets, the one walking in whatever direction you need to go (preferably big boobies, short skirt, and young). Find her, and then you walk behind her until you get to whatever your destination is. This will may take more than one girl of course, but at least the glares of the gang of illegals sitting on the hot steps of unpainted houses will be averted away from the timid white kid and be focused on the hot piece of ass walking towards them. I can just hear the “Hey Mommies!” already.
And my God what scummy kids there; whole streets of frats, and too-artsy-for-you types. Trash and drinking in the streets, with girls doing two walks-of-shames in the same night. Just try to park your car on the streets without dome drunken iddiot giving you a neat-o new racing stripe down the side with their bumper. Oh, and all the landlords there are *very * fair to their tenants, really, trust me.
I’m done with this part of Boston, forever. After tonight, nuke it from orbit. I don’t care. It’s a waste of space in my Goddam city.
Truth part: Allston is actually a really nice and accessible community. And a haven for many in Boston. It’s got a really good public transportation system and a very eclectic collection of students. It’s really not a bad place at all, but I had one very terrible experience there so I now forever associate that neighborhood with it.
IMHO part: Any places you absolutely hate just for your own reasons?
PS part: And don’t get me started on the Netherlands!