Alright, Ike—Let the Lupe Velez Jokes Begin!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD-
In what can only be called a story of such crapulance and fecality as to make your mind swim, Lupe Velez, the “Mexican Spitfire,” was found dead today with her head stuck in her toilet bowl. Investigators, including officers from the Hollywood police department, the City Department of Public Works, and a special task force brought in from Roto-Rooter, do not suspect foul play, but instead have tentatively ruled the situation “death by plumbing misadventure.”

Velez, known for her roles in such great films as “Commode of Fools,” “Last Toilet in Paris,” and “A Midsummer’s Night Poop,” was said to be dispondent over the breakup of her relationship with Johnny “Me Tarzan, You Jane” Weismuller. Weismuller, when informed of Ms. Velez’s demise, said, “AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHHHHH,” thereby sending the animals at the Griffith Park Zoo into a stampede. Elmer Fleem, elephant keeper, was smeared along the pavement and Louise Shmoe, who was a substitute chimpanzee feeder, was gang raped by a pack of primates. She declined to press charges and asked for a cigarette after the attack.

“Its the damndest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Lt. Lance Bidet of the Hollywood P.D. “The poor woman was actually doing a headstand into the bowl, and had rigged a coathanger so that when she pulled it the toilet flushed. She sure was determined to off herself.” Sources close to the investigation say that Ms. Velez’s head was actually conical in shape from the force of the suction from the flushing action. A specially made casket, tapered at the head end, has been ordered for the funeral, the arrangements of which were incomplete at press time. Arrangements are being handled by American Standard, with burial expected to take place at the El Segundo Cess Pool in Van Nuys.

In a related story, Ms. Eleanor Flushing, who lived below Ms. Velez, was treated for a sprained back after she slipped on a turd that had floated out of her toilet, which had backed up due to the actions Ms. Velez took in her apparent suicide. Ms. Flushing is expected to sue the estate of Ms. Velez, saying “Hell, all she had to do was ask me for my revolver. But no, she had to take a glamrous, Hollywood-style, way out.”

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That’s not the half of it, Ike—she was simultaneously schtupping Tarzan AND Gary Cooper. After that, you might as well just die, it doesn’t get any better . . .

Lupe Career Highlights:

“Lady of the Pavements” (1929)—Lupe directed by D.W. Griffith, in one of his last silents.

“The Half-Naked Truth” (1932)—one of her first comedies, as a cooch dancer elevated to stardom by a deranged press agent (Lee Tracy).

“Hollywood Party” (1934)—As the girlfriend of “Schnarzan” (Jimmy Durante), Lupe has a classic eggfight with Laurel and Hardy.

“High Flyers” (1937)—Lupe Velez, Wheeler and Woolsey, Margaret Dumont and a larcenous dog named Squeezy; what more could you ask?

“Nana” (1944)—Her second to last film, another drama—as Zola’s anti-heroine.

Have yourself a Lupe Little Xmas!

23

Pnnr—I am not even going to DIGNIFY that . . . Get ye back to the Halvsie thread, where you belong!

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Hmmmmm…one would think that plnnr was a little Lupe himself.

Eve, you skipped the late '30s-early '40s “Mexican Spitfire” series comedies…MEXICAN SPITFIRE, MEXICAN SPITFIRE OUT WEST, MEXICAN SPITFIRE’S BLESSED EVENT, etc. No, I’m not making those up.

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Well, yeah, I skipped 'em 'cause they basically sucked. Mine was a “Best of Lupe” tribute . . .

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You also left “The Mexican Spitfire and Montezuma’s Revenge” and “The Mexican Spitfire and Leon Trotsky - The Untold Story.” Both moving stories. “They made me laugh, they made me cry, they made me have to go to the bathroom.” They just don’t make them like that anymore.

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As Andy Warhol said, “In the future, everyone will have his own Web site for fifteen minutes.” Here is Miss Velez’s:

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Land/4982/

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Wooooooooooo! That’s SOME homepage photo!

Funny, the pic of her in Anger’s book didn’t make her look half so delectable. No poochies, either.

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Yeah, some web page. Where’s the photo of her with her head stuck in the can? Now that would be the photo to use.

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The chambermaid was in collusion with the Mexican-American Benevolent Association and the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department to cover up Lupe’s shameful death, and to suppress all photographs of the actress upside-down in the potty.

It is only due to the courageous efforts of that crackerjack investigative reporter and crusading seeker of truth, Mr. Kenneth Anger, that these facts have come to light at all.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

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[her back turned, whistling nonchalantly to herself, pointedly ignoring the impertinent jackanapes behind her]

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Eve, it gets better. I was looking on the Internet Movie Database for something unrelated, and found this, to star Maria Conchita Alonzo as Ms. Velez. Judging from the title, I don’t think you’re going to like it much.

Note also Ione Skye as Virginia Rappe. We can probably look forward to the untruthful version of that incident, too.

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Oh, Jesus H. Christ in Fuck-Me Pumps . . .

The only hopeful note was this: “Since this project is categorized as being in production, the data is subject to change or could be removed completely.”

I am banking on “removed completely.”

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Ione Skye as Virginia Rappe! Woo-hoo! Somebody get the champagne bottles!

…or was it Coca-Cola bottles?

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I don’t know anymore, Ike. All I know I read in Hollywood Babylon and that’s all made up, I guess. But MUCH better than the truth.

Was a young (very young) “Coroner to the Stars” Thomas Noguchi involved in the Velez coverup? And the railroading of Fatty Arbuckle?