The other day some boy who looked to be 10 or 11 years old knocked on my apartment door and asked if my little girl could come out to play. I assumed he was talking about my stepdaughter, she was at another friend’s house, and I told him this.
There were a couple of things that bothered me. The first was that he didn’t know her name. If the kid was 5 or so, I’d maybe understand that, but by the time I was that age I learned the names of people I wanted to play with.
Secondly, my stepdaughter is only 5 years old. I know when I was that age I would never want to play with or even associate with someone that young. She’s not a particularly mature 5 year old either, she has had problems with kids close to her own age not wanting to play with her for being too ‘childish’, her Mom really spoiled her and she lacks the social sophistication of most 5 year olds.
Anyway, I’m wondering why this kid wants to play with my stepdaughter, and then the disturbing thoughts cross my mind. She’s a very pretty girl and big for her age, is very trusting and naive, and has gotten in problems before for ‘inappropriate’ behavior with kids in her daycare like repeatedly showing her panties to other kids even after getting in trouble for it and some ‘bad touching’. I haven’t heard much about it since she started kindergarden, but I remember that when I was 11 me and my peers were developing sexual interest in girls and some of my friends had ‘girlfriends’ who were 8 or 9 and there were claims of stuff happening that I definitely don’t think my stepdaughter is ready for (though a lot of that was probably 11 year old braggadocio).
I’m wondering if I am just being paranoid, and if I DO have a valid issue to be concerned about, how do I deal with it? I haven’t even mentioned this to her mother yet, at first because I thought I was probably just overreacting, and later because I was afraid what she would say about me not saying anything if this was something she would be concerned about.
Well, my alarm bells are going off. I would say you definitely should be concerned. Don’t let the fact that you haven’t spoken to her mother keep you from doing so now — otherwise you’ll never tell her.
Unfortunatly, some children do sexually abuse other children. Sometimes it’s just sexual curiosity or what we call ‘inapropriate touching,’ sometimes it’s worse. If a child gets a reputation for being willing to participate in these things, things sometimes get out of control.
Do I have a cite?
Well, yes I do, although it relates to sexual abuse within the family, not within the peer group. A study carried out by the NSPCC (UK NGO child protection body) showed that most sexual abuse of children that takes place within the family isn’t committed by fathers and stepfathers but by brothers and stepbrothers.
There’s the case of a mentally handicapped 12 year old who was repeatedly gang raped by a group of 11-14 year olds. When she moved to a new school, she was raped again. It’s believed that the perpetrator of the rape at the second school knew about what had happened before.
I feel bad for bringing up one study and one high shock value case. I feel like I’m scaremongering, but from what you say, you’re definitely right to be worried.
Besides, why would you want your stepdaughter to go and play with bigger boys? There’s plenty of possibility that she might get hurt in rough play without bringing anything sexual into the equation at all.
Yes, but if your parental instinct tells you something’s wrong, it’s a bad idea to sit on your hands. Badzt didn’t just ask if it was OK for a 10 year old to play with a 5 year old — he gave some more information, and said he already had concerns.
I’m sorry if my post was scaremongering. I guess I came over a little more strongly than I’d intended. What I meant to say was not “You should think something’s going on because it probably is,” but “You’re right to be concerned, definitely talk it over with your wife.”
labdude, do you think the kids on your street know each other’s names?
Even though, as labdude correctly points out, this child is highly unlikely to hurt your stepdaughter, I think you should pay attention to your instincts. If something felt off about the situation, you shouldn’t ignore it.
Perhaps you could invite him in the next time he comes around so they can play together with a bit of supervision. You could find something to do in the next room so you could listen to them and get a sense of how they interact. It could be that he is a shy, socially challenged boy who seeks out younger, less threatening children with whom to play. Or, he could be a bully trolling for new victims.
I also strongly suggest you discuss this with her mother.
Can I weigh in with a different perspective? (Before this shoots over to IMHO or somewhere.)
My son is 11. For various reasons dealing with his problems, he generally needs to know another kid for several weeks before he actually gets around to learning their names. (And if the kid has recently moved to the neighborhood, he may have simply seen your “large for her age” daughter and thought that he could make a friend.)
I am not claiming that you should not be cautious.
I am not claiming that you are overreacting.
However, solutions include:
getting his name when he came to the door and asking your daughter if she knew him;
inviting him to come back to play under your supervision so that you could watch their interaction;
calling his parents to arrange a (supervised) visit along with an opportunity to get to know them (requires step 1 to have been performed, of course).
Good responses.
Did you find out his name so you could ask your daughter, or the parents of kids you know your daughter plays with, about him?
It most likely is no big deal, but as a parent, you have to keep your eyes open. Just as your daughter has a “history” of inappropriate behavior, it is likely a 10-11 yr old who is potential “trouble” has rubbed someone else the wrong way.
And tho in my neighborhood kids of wide age ranges play together as groups, I can’t think of an instance where a boy sought out a girl half his age for one-on-one play.
Well, I haven’t seen the kid since then. If he comes back, I will definitely ask his name. As it is, I probably can’t find it out from my daughter - she has a problem with names too, only knows the names of a few of her friends and classmates, I doubt I could give her a description of the boy that would help.
My concern was not that a boy that age was playing with her - as pointed out above, it is normal for mixed groups of kids to have that kind of age range, especially in an apartment complex where a bunch of kids are playing in a particular area. It was the knocking on the door and asking for her that worried me, but for all I know he could have been doing it for a little sister or something…