Am I crazy (with a k?)

I finally broke up with my girlfriend of a year and three months. I am ambivalent about the decision. Was it the right one? Was it the wrong one? So perhaps a bit of back story would help.
For the first eight months of the relationship, everything was perfect, pristine. I loved her, and the same feelings were reciprocated. However, the last seven months of the relationship were… hell. We had a fight at least once a week, and they were all started by her, over trivial stuff.
So after four months of the “hell” period, it was the one year anniversary mark. While I have contemplated marriage, but it was not going to be on the one year anniversary. She had this expectation that I was going to ask. Keeping in mind that we had a fight the week before because she accused me of cheating on her (I wasn’t).
So this expectation, led to disappointment, on her part. I had no idea that she was thinking about that at all. So this started a NEW fight. After which she decided that the best course of action was the fix the relationship.
Hm… Okay, I’m willing to try. We went to couples counseling. That lasted three months before I finally quit.
Was I justified in doing so?

Well, if you spent almost half of the relationship fighting, I’d say it was probably not a good match. What’s trivial to you may have been a big deal to her, or she may just have been the kind that loves to fight and make up. Either way, it sounds like it was getting to you.

It also seems like you don’t agree on what a reasonable time table for marriage is, which can put a lot of strain on a relationship. Sometimes that in itself (i.e., a disagreement about marriage) can make or break a relationship, because it’s a life-changing decision. No, it’s not permanent, but to dissolve one is still messy.

Bottom line, unless you’re the type of person who makes rash decisions in other areas of your life, your initial instinct to cut it off was probably the right one. If you felt nothing after such a short period of time, you’d probably be a psychopath, regardless of how hard the relationship has been. Give it time, and I think you’ll realize it was the right one.

I don’t get the title.

As to being justified, you don’t need to be justified. If you’re unhappy, then you’re not doing anyone any favors by continuing. . . unless there’s more to the story.

There’s always more to the story, only not that interesting to take up the time of fellow dopers. I asked if I was justified in that both my parents liked her, and her’s loved me. So basically it’s a feeling of remorse, hence, justified?

Btw, she did manage to guess my old SD account’s password, get on, and change it. That said, she also changed the email address. Whatever…

Silly! Don’t you know that you should change all your passwords before you break up just in case he/she knows them or knows you well enough to guess them? :wink:

That’s Break Ups 101, right up there with “change the locks”…:wink:

I wouldn’t second guess myself based on opinions of others (your parents, her parents) you knew her and they knew you in a different way than you knew each other. She might be perfect for your parents (or you for her parents) but that doesn’t make you right for each other.

Couples counseling a year into a relationship? Not unless one of you’s got a history of abuse or mental illness or something else that you both need to work through, while you’re otherwise happy.

Bliss won’t tell you how your life is going to be. IMHO, a fight or a rough patch will. You figure out how the person is at their worst, if they fight fair, if they hold a grudge and all that. If you can’t make it through the arguments, it won’t work. You sound like you were more into the idea of the relationship than the relationship itself.

Heh…I glanced right over that little tidbit I think. But yes, that does not bode well for a relationship I don’t think.

As an aside, does couples’ counseling ever “work” and salvage a relationship that is failing? I don’t mean for a few extra weeks or even years, but forever…the problems have been ironed out and things are working now… I have known first hand only 4 couples who have gone to counseling for relationship problems (marriage counseling in those cases) and they all ended up divorced within a year or two despite the counseling. It makes me worry about the entire profession, and I think that if I heard, “let’s try counseling” I would be scared of an imminent divorce/break up (because of the couples I have known).

But back to the OP a relationship that needs that kind of help so early on, is unlikely (IMO) to go much further (at least not without a lot of work on both sides) so the break up might have been inevitable…

Well, I’m moving on. I hope. But I still look back on the good memories, for what it’s worth. I’m just reflecting back to what I can learn to improve myself for future relationships. I’m confused on the last sentence that you wrote. What do you mean by the idea of the relationship than the relationship itself? I assume that those two are one and the same, not separate.

Well, my parents are still alive, so I don’t know about “forever” yet, but they have gone to couples counseling at various points during their relationship, most recently a few years ago, and from my vantage point, they are doing better than before–the relationship is much less tense these days. They will be celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary this year (which to my 24 year old eyes, is well past “forever”! :D)

Meh. You were dating for one (one!) year.

You were clearly not compatible.

Look, you can break up with someone for any damn reason you please. As long as you’re clear and communicative about the breakup (no disappearing suddenly, no acting like a $%^& so they break up with you first, etc.) you can break up with someone for whatever reason makes you think you’d be better off without them in your life.

It sounds like you were trying to make something work that just didn’t fit. Sorry. Your ex sounds a little woowoo, though, not you.

That is awesome! I am just a tad older, and 40 years sounds close enough to “forever” to me. :wink: That is the first couple that I have heard of that it worked for (although obviously I don’t know many people ;)) so I guess there is hope for the profession yet. :slight_smile:

Wait a minute… is this her posting, or you?

I only have your OP to go on, but if your reasons to stay in a relationship or lament its ending have more to do with how your friends and family thought, or ways you were perfect together on paper (similar backgrounds, views, tastes, college majors), versus how you actually got along and felt when you were together, then that’s liking the idea of a relationship more than the relationship itself. Also applies to people who want a relationship for the sake of being in one, rather than because they’ve found someone who’s a good match. Unfortunately that p.o.v. can take them all the way to marriage.

This is my posting, the old account is, I presume, being deleted right now. :slight_smile: