I just ordered a swimsuit from (::shudder:
Blair. Can the matching embroidered sweatshirts and perma-creased polyester pants sets be far behind!!! Perhaps I should’ve added a pair of sans-a-belt slacks for hubby just so we match? (Well, he IS old though, lol…he probably already has some and is hiding them from me.)
Nah, skip the slacks for hubby. Go for the over-sized khaki shorts, white buck shoes, and black socks. 
For that added touch of class, get hubby some sock garters!
Old people do not shove fondue forks where you shove them. Don’t worry.
The official definition of “old” is “older than heresiarch.” That’s what the US census bureau uses.
So if you’re 39 and above, sorry, you’re old.
If you’re 38 or younger, congrats! You’re just a kid. And you don’t have to worry about next year, because then the cut-off will move to 39. This might seem arbitrary, but it makes perfect sense. If you’re not older than me NOW, you never will be, and therefore you will never be old.
It’s a mathematical paradox, but people born in '63 or later will NEVER get old. Until I die, at which time the Census will have to come up with a new definition.
I’m afraid you’re off by at least a decade, heresiarch. 
So, vogue, are you an AARPer yet?
What’s that sonny? I couldn’t hear you over my enormous motorized Lark scooter!
Heh.
HEY! You young whippersnappers!! Watch it! I have a 28 year old brain still, though it is locked in a 38 year old looking, 50 year old body and I still have an eye for beautiful young women!
Bah - age is a state of mind! And my mind is as sharp as… as… dang, why did I come in here??
Oh thank God!! I knew it. I’m eternally youthful. Now turn down that music! I can’t hear myself think! This place is like Grand Central Station. Kids these days don’t respect anything …
Nothing like life to kick you when you’re down. My first realization that I was getting old is when a little kid called me mister. It felt odd. Or so I thought. Earlier this year a teenaged girl bumped into me and said: “excuse me sir” That made me feel old.
My friend’s 12-year old calls me “aunty” sigh
I have a next door neighbor who calls me “sir” and “mister,” often in the same sentence.