Again, from the OP:
By her standards, they’re clean. By her admission, it’s a psychological issue.
“dirt factor”? Does he go to bed dirty?
But the psychological issue of “I don’t want to sleep in sheets that someone else who happens to be a child has slept in” has nothing to do with “I resent the child” or “I was abused as a child”. It stands alone.
Can I ask a question WhyNot? If you’re a guest in someone’s house, do you expect them to provide you with sheets that have not been slept in by anyone since the last time they were laundered? If you have houseguests, do you provide them with sheets in the same condition?
I wouldn’t dream of not putting freshly laundered sheets out for a guest, even if the sheets on the bed passed a visual and olfactory test. I would be grossed out if I found that my host hadn’t changed the sheets since the last guest, even if they smelled and looked clean, and even if the previous guest only stayed one night and showered immediately before bed.
It may be a psychological issue, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with resentment towards the previous guest, or abuse I suffered as a houseguest in my past. Which is what a lot of people, including you, jumped to as a first impression.
But if the SO has slept in them, it’s not a problem. Only if the child has slept in them is it a problem. Evidently his sweat/bodily effluvia are fine but the child’s are not. She is not sleeping in a guest bed in his house, she is sleeping in his bed in his house. If the sheets are dirty because he uses them, that’s ok. not oogy. If he plus his child has slept in them, that’s not ok, oogy.
So it is not as simple as the desire for clean sheets, she isn’t getting those anyway.
No, not really. I’m a camper, I’m used to sleeping in less than sterile conditions. 
If there are obvious stains or smells, then I’d be oogied, but not otherwise. And certainly not if it’s my SO’s bed.
I provide freshly laundered sheets for any houseguest I’m not sleeping with. Primarily because I don’t keep dirty sheets around between uses.
I wouldn’t think to change my own sheets for an SO coming over to spend the night, as long as they were clean and unsmelly. If s/he asked and was willing to do the work and pay for the laundry, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but if it was because my clean kid slept in them, I’d have issues. It would probably be a dealbreaker for me unless they could come up with a better explanation than “it’s icky.” I don’t need the hassle of irrationally squeamish people in my life. If it was because of an abuse or not-yet-bonded to my kid sitch, I’d have much more sympathy for them, and probably want to work through that with them.
I don’t know if anyone will return to this thread, but I do want to thank everyone for their input (even those that think I’m nutty and need to “get over it” 
). I’m not too skilled with showing multiple quotes in a post so I’ll try to address some of the questions / comments best as I can.
Very much so. His father has absolutely no qualms about this, but I think it’s hugely inappropriate for a kid to have to sleep amongst our bodily fluids (although I do believe the sheets would be changed if there was anything, uh, noticable)
BF has told me many times that the ex sends him over dirty. While that could simply be ex venom I tend to believe him since her lack of cleanliness was a major contributor to their divorce. I know on the several occasions I’ve taken him to the restroom and helped him wash his hands they were as dirty as you would expect a five year old’s to be. In the two years that we’ve been together I’ve only heard about him wetting the bed once. He did get sick in it a few weeks ago, however, and that did not help my issue;)
I think this is hit and miss. I’ve heard his father telling him it’s shower time but I’ve also heard that the child doesn’t like showering at dad’s because it’s very small and kind of freaks him out.
I’ve asked myself and have tried my best to be honest about this. I *assume *I would not feel this way were he mine, but not being a mother I don’t know what that feels like. I honestly don’t think I’m tying my negative feelings about his mother to him. If anything I think I tend to feel *more *empathy for him in light of what I know about her and his home life.
Until a couple of months ago we’d always stayed at my house. Actually, if I hadn’t pushed the whole “why do we always have to stay at my house?” issue I wouldn’t be having to deal with this right now:smack: I don’t think he cares much whether we stay at his place or not but it might become an issue when I reveal the reason why I prefer not to. Thus the reason for this thread!
I think he’s fairly conscientious. I know he is regarding the child’s clothing and I know he’s a clean fellow himself:p However it’s likely that I’m a whole lot pickier. We were at the movies recently and he caught on to why I was less than enthusiastic about sharing the popcorn. He “assured” me that kiddo’s hands were clean but when I took him to restroom later and saw the condition of them I was more than a little squicked. My point is that being his father, he’s not squicked out by or even notices what to me is obvious dirt.
Fair enough; I did ask, after all. Can you be more specific as to why it would offend you? I *sort *of get it, obviously or I wouldn’t have started the thread, but when you say “incredibly” offended I’d like to understand better.
I agree completely and although I couldn’t care less what she personally thinks or wants, I can still objectively appreciate this sentiment.
Everyone has made great points and your input definitely helps. I know this isn’t the most exciting topic but if anyone has anything else to add, I’m all ears.
On further reflection, I think it really is time for the kid to get his own bed. He’s 5. Assuming you’re basically middle-class folks in a Western culture, most adults don’t remember sharing a bed with parents, and after about 5 is when people start to remember stuff into adulthood. Obviously, this age varies, but as a generality. It really does, IMHO, cross a line into uncool if he starts school and doesn’t have his own bed. Separate beds are just one of those luxuries that most people prioritize as they get out of poverty. [The married folks who want to do the family bed thing, this isn’t meant as an attack. I don’t see it as relevant to divorced families, though.]
Also, I’m pretty sure that family counselors advise making sure the kid has his own space in both homes, to make the transition as smooth as possible. No, every little slip up isn’t going to scar him for life, but that seems like a logical best practice to me. Get him a kid-sized bed, or get a fold-out sofa for the living room and make that his dad’s bed. Single parenting requires tons of sacrifices, and sacrificing some space or comfort to give the kid his space seems like one of them to me.
Well, I could start a whole other thread on my thoughts about this. Let’s just say I agree wholeheartedly that the child needs his own bed. Unfortunately, finances don’t allow it at this time. He doesn’t seem to mind it (he’s never had his own room or bed, and sleeps in any random spot that’s available in his mother’s house)which is a small mercy. The plan is for dad to find a bigger place in the not too distant future and we both predict that it will take some effort to get him to sleep in his own bed when one is actually available.
My sympathies for the obvious in hindsight situation. No advice otherwise–except to suggest that the problem with the “would you react this way if the kid was your own” question is that were the kid your own, you’d have started fresh with an itty, bitty baby, and either intentionally co-slept, or just co-slept when it made life easier, and you’d have worked out issues regarding separating sex space and child space gradually. Or not separating them as the case may be. Or not so much worked things out but dealth with situations as they came up.
I guess maybe, were I in your shoes, I’d give serious thought to saying to your boyfriend “You remember when I got all huffy because we always stayed at my house? Well, now that I’ve stayed at your place, I like mine better” then list off a bunch of reasons–preferrably some frivolous or silly (my magenta curtains are prettier to look at first thing in the morning than your ugly mini-blinds), probably some practical (my house is closer to Dunkin Donuts or the church or the park or the bus stop) and admit that having space to have sex where the kid does not sleep is a factor. Don’t make it a big hairy deal if you don’t have to–you don’t want to come across as “it’s the kid or me” if all you really want is separate sheets–but I think it’s worth separating the issues of your psychological issues from the practical behavioral ones, and if you can do that by sleeping in your own bed more often, you should try to do so.
My son sleeps with me in my bed when he is visiting. He is 8. My daughter is 6, and she has her own room when she visits.
There just aren’t three bedroom apartments, and I am not ready to buy a home as I have a vacation home already. So, I am apartment-bound but LOVING the low/no maintenance.
My girlfriend sleeps in my bed with me when she is over. She knows my son and I share that bed sometimes. What she also knows is that neither her or my son sleep on the same sheets right after each other.
Son visits? Fresh sheets. Son leaves? Fresh sheets. Heck, when she visits, even though I was the only one on the sheets = fresh sheets.
I don’t see the issue. You should care about this guy so much that nothing so insignificant would ever matter. At a minimum, get the sheet thing squared away. I see nothing wrong with that.
I disagree with that on a number of levels. First, maintaining appropriate sexual and family boundaries around a kid who sounds like he’s having a pretty rough childhood is not insignificant. It’s tremendously important and will continue to be so throughout his life.
Second, Wookinpanub describes this relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend for two years. They don’t live together and don’t seem to be engaged to be married. It’s really important for the kid not to have “a stream of new mommies.” Just because a woman is dating a guy with a kid, doesn’t necessarily mean she has a “mommy” role to that kid. Not every woman the dad dates needs to be his future wife. She would only need to care about the guy that much if she were going to marry him and be the kid’s stepmom.
Philster, regarding your own situation, I guess the way I see it you are loving the low maintenance and the vacation home to the detriment, to some extent, of an important developmental milestone for your son. I guess it depends somewhat on how much custody you have. But how would you feel if your ex-wife decided she’d rather live in a smaller place in a better neighborhood and no longer gave your daughter her own bed? Until what age would that be OK with you? When you were 8, would you have wanted to sleep with your dad?