I slept in the same bed as my step-daughter. Please advise.

Here’s the situation.

I’ve been a step-dad to my stepdaughter for three years, since she was 7 ½ years old.

During this time I’ve taken an active role in parenting her, and over time we’ve become quite close. Her mother, my fiancée, is very happy that her daughter has a stable, protective and loving male role model in her life, and I feel wonderful and blessed that I can provide these things for her.

Occasionally (less and less as she grows older), when my daughter goes to bed, her mother or I will sometimes lay down beside her for ten or fifteen minutes to cuddle her. “Cuddling” is snuggling close and quietly talking to her about her day and what’s on her mind. I sometimes gently stroke her forehead by her hairline and this helps her fall asleep. It’s very nurturing for her and she really likes it. I do, too.

I work at home on my computer and I’m very busy much of the time, so it’s a nice treat for both of us to connect. It helps us feel closer, especially on days when there have been behavioural problems and she feels particularly alienated by us.

About a month ago my daughter and I travelled out of town to my Mother and Father-in-Law’s house to look after their dog while they were away on business. I thought it would be a good opportunity for my fiancée to get some time to herself, and for my daughter and I to spend some quality time together.

My daughter is quite used to sleeping at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, as she has been really close to them all of her life. She normally sleeps in a room downstairs in the basement with the dog.

They left me a note stating that I could sleep in their bed, which was fine by me, since it was the most comfortable place to sleep in the house.

When it was my daughter’s bedtime, she asked me if she could sleep with me.

To give you some background information, her mother and I had talked about this before. Since our daughter has never had a father (her birth father was never in her life), my fiancée has always thought that it would be perfectly ok (and healthy) for our daughter to sleep in the same bed as me, if the circumstance ever arose. Since she never had this opportunity as a baby or young girl, it would be beneficial for her to sleep with her me – it would provide her with a sense of safety and security that she had never experienced.

On this occasion, I thought it would be perfectly fine. Since her mother and had I talked about it before, I didn’t think too much of it.

She read for an hour or so while I worked on the computer. Sometime around midnight I went to bed. She was in her nightie and I wore long underwear and a t-shirt. The dog was at the foot of the bed and the cat came in a little while later too and slept with us.

I gave her a kiss on the forehead and told her I loved her, even though I was pretty sure she was sleeping by then.

The only contact we had all night was her elbow in my head and sometime later a knee in my back when she was hogging the bed. I gently turned her over and pushed her over to the other side.

In the morning we both woke up at the same time to the sound of the dog’s claws clicking around on the floor and him trying to get up on the bed. He was telling us it was breakfast time.

We had an awesome day together and it was a great bonding experience for both of us.

The next night when it was her bed-time, I asked her if she was going to sleep downstairs or upstairs again, and she said “upstairs” if it was ok with me. I said that would be fine. Like the night before, she went to bed to read again. This time I read beside her for a while. When I saw that she was yawning and getting sleepy, I gave her a hug, kissed her goodnight and turned off the light.

I got up and went to work on the computer again for an hour or two.

So we slept together the second night, too. The night was uneventful, other than when I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the dog barked loudly. I had a better sleep than the night before.

We returned home the next day and I told my wife that my daughter and I had slept together in Grandma and Grandpa’s bed. She told me that she thought we might do that, and she happy that we had some really good quality-time over the weekend.

And that was the end of it. Or so I thought.

I drove my daughter out of town to stay at the grand parents’ house again while my fiancée and I went out for New Year’s Eve. When we returned home and my fiancée called my mother-in-law, somehow the topic came up that I slept with my daughter in her bed. Grandma was not pleased about this, saying that while she doesn’t think anything “went on”, she is adamant that it is NOT good from a developmental point of view for her granddaughter at age 10 ½ to be sleeping with her dad. She claimed that a child of her age “needs her autonomy.”

My fiancée was absolutely floored. She didn’t believe her mom’s claimed reasoning and made it clear that she trusts me 100% and that it was perfectly ok with her that we slept together. She was pretty angry with her mom and cut the conversation short.

When she told me about this, I couldn’t believe that this was being made into such a big deal. I was more than a little concerned that she hadn’t stressed out my daughter about a perfectly benign event, either. I haven’t talked to my mother-in-law yet, because I’m waiting to do it in person when I pick up my daughter tomorrow. I’m hoping that she hasn’t told her “daughters at your age shouldn’t be sleeping with their parents” (or dads, specifically).

I tried to look at this from her point of view. If I were a granddad and my daughter’s 10 ½ year old daughter was sleeping in my bed with her step-dad, it might actually worry me. Yes, those thoughts would probably cross my mind. After all, you want to do your best to protect your family.

I don’t, quite frankly, buy the “needs her autonomy and is not good from a developmental point of view” line at all. Sure, I understand and agree that you shouldn’t sleep with your kids EVERY night beyond a certain age (maybe five or six? I haven’t really looked into it), but to give that reasoning for two successive nights doesn’t make sense to me.

I have gone through the range of motions from having empathy with my mother-in-law to being angry.

It pisses me off that step-dads have such a bad rap. I sometimes feel that I can’t be close to my stepdaughter in perfectly normal and healthy ways for fear that someone is going to misinterpret my actions.

Sometimes she gloms onto me and won’t let go and I either ignore her or at times have to firmly tell her “that’s enough…” and gently push her away. She went through a “kissy” phase with both me and her mom, when she wanted to kiss us on the lips more than once at a time. We both (again, gently) told her that once or twice is ok, but more than that is too much. Occasionally she wants more physical contact than either of us want to give her, and we use the same gentle approach. It’s never been a real issue, and her mom and I both think it is a normal part of growing up.

If I had known that my mother-in-law (I’m not sure what my father-in-law thinks, since I haven’t talked about it to him yet) would have a problem with me sleeping with my daughter in their bed, I would NEVER have allowed it in the first place. I am respectful of other people’s points of view when I am in their home. It did cross my mind, but I thought it would be ok with them because I had assumed that they were pretty aware of family and mental health kinds of things. We typically agree on most points, so this came completely out of left field for me.

I strongly do not believe that I did anything that was harmful to the wellbeing of my child.

I am hoping that the members of this community will weigh in on this and provide some opinions or share your experiences in this matter. If you can direct me to any professional resources regarding this subject, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

-NB

Oh, gosh. Well, first, you have my sympathy, as this doesn’t sound at all like a pleasant situation to be in. I have to give Grandma SOME credit, because whatever she was thinking, at least she couched her criticism as an issue of the child’s autonomy and didn’t run shrieking to your fiancee that you must be a child molester. Unfortunately, men - not just stepdads - get a bad rap, and that’s GOT to be a bear to deal with when you’re one of the good guys. I don’t know that I have any real advice, but if you and your fiancee are in accord, perhaps the best course of action would be to just present a calm and united front to Grandma. Tell her you’ll be raising your daughter according to your house rules, thanks, but that when staying with her, you won’t be infringing upon her sensibilities under her roof.

My first reaction: Yuck.
My second reaction: YUCK!
My third reaction: that child needs counseling of some sort. Maybe the OP does too.

My conclusion: YUCK! Something ain’t right somewhere. IANA-doctor/therapist/counselor/policeman/person-otherwise-particularly-knowledgable-in-this-area, but 10 year old girls do not need to be sharing beds with their step-fathers.

Interesting, and not where I was expecting the post to go at all, thank goodness.

Still, you’d probably be best off brace yourself for the reading impaired.

I agree with you on all counts. I agree that no harm was done, I think it’s good that you had talked with your wife before this incident, I’m glad it was done because the child asked, not because you insisted, I’m glad your mother in law expressed concern, I’m glad you respect her enough that you won’t repeat the action under her roof, and I’m glad that your wife backed up your decision to her mother when questioned. I also understand your understanding as well as your anger towards your mother in law.

I think, honestly, the best thing to do is to thank her. Let her know that you appreciate that she’s watching out for your daughter, and while you’re doing it reassure her that you have discussed the issue with your wife (both prior to and after the event) and that you are on the same page, parenting wise.

As for the developmental issue, 10.5 is still very childlike for most kids. They need hugs and snuggles and your physical presence in nearly the same way toddlers do. They ALSO need increasing independence. The two are not mutually exclusive. I think it’s good that you’re aware of the need for boundaries and can correct her behavior when it becomes inappropriate, and also that you indulge her when it’s not inconvenient to do so.

Hmm, I don’t think your step-daughter will be harmed by this, and am not against family bed type situations for younger children, but if I were you, I wouldn’t allow it, for reasons such as this. You two can cuddle, then retire to your own beds, and get the same benefits. I’m not an expert in child development, and do know that this is probably common in other places, but this situation makes me uneasy. Note: that last sentence isn’t an accusation.

I agee with you WhyNot. Ten is still pretty young especially if you weren’t at home. Some kids are still a little afraid of different house sounds, etc at that age. Especially at a grandparents house. If it’s anything like my grandmothers house was or even my mothers house they tend to keep the house dark and it’s scarey for kids.

BTW, I really wish you had a different thread title.

Oakminster, can you please explain your “YUCK” statements? How is this a problem for you? If you’ve personally had a bad experience with your dad or some other person, then please ignore my question (or not.) I’m not asking for any personal information here.

-NB

Sorry but you really shouldn’t be projecting your own paedogeddon problems on anyone else.

Not much to explain. Grown man. Little girl. No blood relation. Same bed. Yuck.

Personal bias: I’m a cynical old lawyer that’s seen way too many of those types of incidents lead to “bad things”. Also think that kid has some issues that need sorting out. The whole thing just pegged my yuckometer.

I don’t see any issues with what happened. I think it would be fine if she still wanted to sleep in the same bed in similar instances. Myself being the bed hog I am would probably just transfer her to another bed once she passed out.

In your situation, I would refrain from sleeping in the same bed. You can still be close, you can still be comforting, but to simplify your life, I wouldn’t do it.

This will only lead to trouble in the long run.

The United States is a very fucked up country with some bizarre ideas about what’s normal, so I think that’s where the “Yuck, you need counseling” nonsense comes from.

That said, it isn’t going to change anytime soon, and considering how screwed up and paranoid so many people are about anything that might at all seem inappropriate with a child, you’re lucky the grandma didn’t freak out and call child protection agencies and so forth, as that’s where I figured the story was going.

But, on the other hand, needy for attention or not, you should not let her kiss you on the lips anymore. At all. You can do all sorts of things for reassurance and bonding, but that’s a good one to set a line on and be firm with. I also think having her in the same bed is more trouble than it’s worth. Measure it all out here… you and your wife think it might be healthy for her versus other people think it’s not and can freak out in quite dramatic ways. Do something else you think is healthy for her that doesn’t make the villagers go run for torches.

And, while I don’t necessarily think it’s damaging or anything, I think sleeping on her own on a regular basis will, in fact, foster independence. You already mention that she’s needy emotionally, babying her like this isn’t going to help. And you’re going to have to stop at some point soon here anyway as the perceived ook factor goes up dramatically as she enters her teens, so might as well start now and get her used to it.

And try to keep the words fiancee, girlfriend, and wife separate. They mean three different things. I was confused as to how many people were involved, and how many daughters.

Oakminster, the DAUGHTER asked the OP to sleep with her!

Sheesh…and I mean the man is somewhat related. He says that he sees the daughter as his OWN. Some people!

Jesus Christ.

First, let’s look at the title of the thread. If you wanted us, the readers, to understand that there was no sexual subtext to your interactions with your stepdaughter, why the hell would you choose such a gratuitously sexual thread title? All your protestations of “it is all oh so innocent” go right out the window when you title your own damn thread “I slept with my step-daughter.” So for no other reason, I am reading your query with an unsettled “ick” factor already in place.

Ten is on the edge of puberty, and kids in the U.S. have more sexual awareness earlier due to modern society. For both those reasons, it’s IMO time to disengage from physical contact with your stepdaughter that could be misinterpreted by anyone and/or confusing for her. Snuggling up close to her in bed? She’s too old for that now. Knock it off.

What ridiculous reasoning! Your stepdaugher also never had the opportunity for you to change her diapers and experience that intimacy, but surely you aren’t helping her into her undies today. (One hopes.) You provide her with safety and security by being a protective and appropriate role-model, not be sleeping with her. There are things that are appropriate to do with a baby or very small child that are not appropriate with an older child, from lip-kisses to toe-nibbles. Part of why they are okay with a young child is that a young child lacks the self-awareness and/or social awareness and/or confusion about types of affection to make it problematic. It is potentially, if not necessarily, problematic with a 10 year old; that’s why it’s not okay.

No hugging and kissing in bed! Ever! No horizontal hugging and kissing of any kind! She’s too old for that.

She’s right. Like I said, 10 is edge-of-puberty these days, and pre-teens are too aware of sex to invite confusion into what should be appropriate parental affection.

The issue isn’t not trusting you. It’s (a) the general impropriety of the situation, which many people would find unsettling (I do); and (b) the potential to confuse your daughter. You may be able to strictly separate your sexual and platonic affections, but that’s no guarantee she will be able to at her age. It’s just a recipe for making her confused and possibly guilty.

My opinion would be exactly the same if you were her natural father. I don’t think your actions were “perfectly normal and healthy,” meaning beyond objection – and neither did your MIL.

Just because it wasn’t “harmful to the wellbeing of your child” doesn’t mean it was a great idea. I agree that two nights probably isn’t a big deal, but I do think you’re right on the edge of the age where it’s just no longer appropriate if another option is available.

And if your inquiry was serious, your thread title was in amazingly bad taste.

I do agree with you about the thread title. You ought to get a mod to change it because it’s hard to even read the thread trying to get past the title.

Moderators: Out of respect for my fellow posters, would you please change the title of this thread to, “I slept in the same bed as my step-daughter. Please advise.”

Yes, I wrote an incendiary title on purpose. I work with advertising, so I know how to write an eye-catching headline, and I wanted to draw attention to this thread so that it would get more views and thus more replies. This certainly seems to have worked.

However, in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea.

If I have offended people’s sensibilities, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to. I take full responsibility for writing a headline that might cause people to worry.

-NB

This is NOT a comment on any of the posters here - but the OP’s thread title says “slept with” not “had sex with.” He DID sleep with her, and is being accurate. The fact that people assume the worst says far more about us than about the situation. Though I’d guess the OP intended the shock value of those words to bring attention to his specific dilemma.

In general, I think a ten-year old is still pretty young and the bed-sharing isn’t a big deal. I DO see why people might think it is. But I would also like to point out that girls can get incredibly messed-up when dads suddenly seem to withhold affection, too, especially if it coincides with changing body issues. It never occured to me that the reason my dad stopped hugging me when I was thirteen was that I grew boobs. I thought he just stopped liking me as much. So while I do agree that fathers probably should be careful about handling their little girls - if only because there are idiots who WILL read the worst out of an innocent situation - I’d suggest a gradual change in physical affection rather than a sudden “no more kissing” edict.