I watched the Couples Championship. 
I mentioned this a few times before, that if having a glurgy Acceptable Story is a requisite for being on the show, that’s going to seriously limit the contestant pool, and the quality is going to suffer as a result. Comparing the end of season 14 to this, I now believe that, in a weird way, this was exactly what NBC wanted. The level of athleticism had gotten so mind-blowingly high that even very recent superstars (Sean Bryan, Austin Gray, and Joe Moravsky being reduced to footnotes should be setting off klaxons) couldn’t keep up. Now the only way to see these second-tier contenders and grinders and scrappers (i.e. “veterans” who actually flipping deserve the label) at all…not headlining, not hyped up, not leading the charge, AT ALL…was to create a specialty lower-tier event. But not just any lower tier, one which fit within the established themes of ANW. Love. Family. Support. Courage. Inspiration. Giving. Hence a couples event. A nice, harmless, workable idea in theory. (
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Aside: It’s dumb enough that they had a Cupid here in the first place (His thing is making couples; isn’t he totally out of place in an event where everyone’s already hooked up?), but couldn’t they have found someone a little more attractive? That guy looks like he hangs out behind fast food dumpsters.
The couples/teams:
Allyssa Beird & James McGrath - I remember someone on this board saying that public proposals were crass and put way too much pressure on the woman. I agree. I wish anyone else in the world did. (McGrath did seem a lot mellower than usual, which was a plus.)
Sem Garay & Corinne Cahill - Everyone in WWF Wrestlefest was still alive at the time I completely stopped following wrestling, so what Garay’s goofball antics add to this show has always been a mystery to me. Nevertheless, I still remember that a 3-count requires an opponent to be freaking on top of the downed wrestler, Bodge, YOU UNBELIEVABLE FIFTH RATE moving on.
Abby Clark & Joe Capo - Roster filler.
Sandy & Charlie Zimmerman - Omigod, did she sniffle? 
Acceptable Story incoming! All right, what emotionally wrenching drama does she have in store for us? “When I started American Ninja Warrior seven years ago, I just had no idea the baggage and scars that I was still carrying around from my childhood.” Lessee…eating disorder? Abusive parents? Drug abuse? Religious clash? Screwed over on Christmas presents every year because it was close to her birthday? Bullying! I bet it’s bullying! “What people don’t tell you about getting healthy is that it also changes the dynamics of a lot of relationships. In our 24 years of marriage, the word ‘divorce’ hadn’t come up. But it came up.” Um…spelling bee embarrassment? “Eight months ago, we sat our kids around our dining room table and had a really hard conversation about mom and dad not being together.” Well…there’s…always takeout. “There’s points in your marriage where you have to choose to keep loving, you have to choose to keep working at it.” 
Yeesh. Hey, supermom? Don’t mean to be insensitive, but if your story is so painful that you can’t tell us what it even is, maybe go with something more up your alley like education standards or budgeting for a family or the tasty dishes you made with all those apples.
Austin Gray & Jaelyn Bennett - More on this in a bit.
Barclay Stockett & Tee Jackson - An out and proud lesbian couple being celebrated on national television. Aww, if they weren’t on a course that was two thirds armbreakers, thereby putting a 10-mile wide neon sign on women’s inferior upper body strength, completely humiliating Jackson, adding yet another Warped Wall failure to Bars’ collection, and reducing this inspiring couple to blink-and-you-missed-it status, that’d be wonderful! 
(Seriously, why does reality TV always try to give its beautiful, athletic women as little screen time as possible? I still remember that Splash debacle.)
Heather Betts & Mark Antioana - Why goofy animal costumes? Where did you get those goofy animal costumes? Does anyone get weirded out by your goofy animal costumes? Do those goofy animal costumes make it hard to do things? What kind of places don’t allow goofy animal costumes? Is anyone else interested in running around in goofy animal costumes? Hello? Actual substance? Anything? Please?
Kyle Soderman & Megan Johnson - Yeah, they’re good.
Mykayla Skinner & Jones Harner - One’s a gymnast! The other’s 6’ 7”! On a course that’s two-thirds upper body destroyers! Would’ve been better if it was the other way around! 
Jesse Labreck & Chris Digangi - At this point I’m convinced they’re just trolling the world. Why else would two people who clearly love each other tease at tying the knot all the time but never actually do it?
And then there’s Gray and Bennett. Or rather, “Gnarly Festering Boil on the Planet” Nate Hansen and the two meaningless nobodies he brought with him.
I almost did a Pit thread on Hansen. That’s how disgusted I was. And per usual, I don’t give a flaming sack of cat turds whether it was “real” or “faked”. Allow me to spell it out: If you glorify being a worthless, irritating, aggravating, obnoxious, filth-encrusted douchebag, YOU ARE ONE. Not only did he manage to singlehandedly ruin the entire evening for me by making it all about himself and bragging about being a third wheel, for some truly demented reason NBC saw a need to put him on again in Gray and Bennett’s second run. Holy crap. It’s bad enough that the Share Your Spare hero is going to have back-to-back second places twisted in his guts for the rest of his goddam life, now he has to put up with this little buzzing parasite every time he competes?
And I for one am utterly sick, sick, sick of the idea that you have to put up with an eternally grating jerk in the name of friendship. I mentioned this much in my “Worst YouTube short” thread. All my life I’ve had preachy know-nothings insist that being treated like crap was the price of friendship. Teasing, mockery, bullying, belittlement, ostracizing, slander, even outright assault. About my weight, my hair, my face, my shirt, my shoes, my not willing to get several bones broken on a football field. I still have health problems to this day from this neverending psychological and physical abuse. So if dealing with endless aggravation from someone like Nick Hansen is “just how friens are” or “an enriching experience”, you can have it.
He is the worst person ever to be on ANW. Worse than that freakshow Eric Middleton. Worse than those clowns Neil Craver and Grant McCartney. Worse than those enablers David Wright and Ethan Swanson. Worse than anything Natalie Duran, Daniel Gil, Sean Bryan, Mike Wright, Sem Garay, Kacy Catanzaro, or David Rodriguez ever did. Worse than all the camera screamers, wall dancers, shirt flingers, and human rain delays. And yes, I’ll say it, until we get a guilty verdict and full details of the trial, worse than Drew Dreschel.
I am done. NBC crossed a line. I no longer give ANY kind of crap. About the regular contest, about the Skills Challenge, about USA vs. The World (is this ever happening again?), about whatever’s getting the Ninja vs. Ninja label now, about the Women’s Championship, about Red Nose Day, about the new kids or new obstacles or milestones or barriers broken or how college fits into it. ANWJ3 and 4 maybe, possibly someday, but other than that, that’s it.
That Don Guy - Yes! You read my mind! That’s exactly what this show needs! A big-league contest (with a sensible prize structure) and an “amateur” competition for the feel-good cases and gutsy hopefuls! Maybe something for the women! Variety! Good!
And America’s Got Talent is hot garbage and has been for some time. I’ve made this abundantly clear.