Amusing If...Then Constructions

If we had some eggs we could have some ham and eggs, if we had some ham.

If that were a Henny Youngman joke, that would be a joke, but Henny Youngman is dead.

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

If there is an ‘if’, then there is a ‘then.’ But if there is no ‘if,’ then there is no ‘then.’ So there is a ‘then’ if and only if there is an ‘if.’


If we had some Brualkki, we coudl have Brualkki and mendaloo, if we had some mendaloo.

Please provide the IF that led to

Then Came Bronson

If my grandmother had balls, then she’d be my grandfather.


If you want ice cream, you can come visit us.

Spoken by my niece–age 4, to me. Trust me, dearly as I love my niece, and the rest of her family, I can obtain ice cream much more conveniently without paying them a visit.

If wishes were horses, then wishing wells wouldn’t be fit to drink out of.

For the B. Kliban fans out there …
If I had two dead rats, I’d give you one.

If wishes were horses, our problems would be offal.

“If wishes and buts were clusters and nuts [then] we’d all have a bowl of granola!” – Geoffrey Jellineck

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, then I’d nail ya!

If it hadn’t 'a been for Grayson, I’d 'a been in Tennessee.

If she buys kippers, then it will not rain.
(Also trout live in trees, and I do not love her any more.)

If Grandpa hadn’t gone to live with Great-Uncle Walt in Saskatchewan, I would be Australian!

My fave has always been If frogs had glass asses, then they might not jump so hard.