“Oh certainly,” Nigel instantly agreed. “I have no problem taking care of huge snakes.”
“You would say that,” Percy giggled.
“Hey now,” Nigel scolded in mock anger. “Don’t go there.”
“I can’t believe you went there with ‘don’t go there.’”
“Let’s just take care of the snake for the nice man, shall we?” The two ghosts peeked out of the catalog at the serpent. “Oh my, it’s a Farooquan. Very deadly.”
“She sure is,” Percy concurred. “Let’s grab her and pull her into the next level of existence!”
“Oh yes! Get this mother Farooquan snake off my mother Farooquan plane!” Nigel giggled.
Instantly, the two ghosts leapt out of the pages and grabbed the snake. In a flash they were gone, leaving only Dirk and Ploothka.
She looked back down the corridor and then back at the adventurer. “Ready?”
“I don’t think I want to go.”
“We have to,” Ploothka said.
“But what about the treasures of the castle?”
“This is the treasure,” Ploothka insisted.
“But what about the Crags of Doom and the Barbarian Wench and Mako the loan-shark?”
Ploothka grabbed Dirk’s hand and held it tightly. “Just jump, would you?”
“But if you and Ethyl are twins, how come you two don’t look so much alike?”
“We’re not identical twins, dummy! Jump!”
Dirk looked at the portal. Wind rushed through his ears, sounding like a powerful, angry river. He tried, but he could not shake the doubt echoing in his mind.
His companion kissed him on the cheek. “Please Dirk. We have to. It’s always been about you.”
Dirk felt his cheek flush. He nodded; his reserve steeled by the unexpected kiss. He clutched Ploothka’s hand tighter and felt a wave of strength and intelligence wash over him like he had never been washed before.
“Let’s go,” Dirk nodded grimly. The two leapt in unison right into the portal just as the Siren Sisters nearly grabbed him. They screamed, but the sound was washed out as Dirk felt his body get pulled like so much Pindelornian taffy.
Suddenly, Dirk shot awake. He propped himself up on his arm and looked at the clock. It was 5:00 and he had an hour before he would need to get up. His eyes strayed past the clock across the night stand until he saw the Sears catalog with his +9 letter opener of badassery resting in top of it. He chuckled silently as he thought of that gag gift students gave him for Christmas last year. Next to that, of course, was his book on ancient Pindelornian legends. Filled with fantastic tales of King Uther Bedwetter of Pinhedlor, the Warlock-King Nenkara, the Crags of Doom, and so many others, Dirk had loved this tome since his days as a student of ancient civilizations. He hoped that his students loved today’s lecture on the life of the evil wizard Hassenpoppagallootamagog as much as he loved researching it.
Dirk’s eyes looked next to the beloved text and saw the lucky “platypus” foot keychain that his sister-in-law Ethyl got him when she went to Australia. sure wasn’t lucky for the platypus he repeated to himself with a chuckle.
He heard a slight moan and a rustling of sheets next to him and he looked over at his dear wife Ploothka, sleeping soundly with her arm lightly cradling the comforter. She was so frustrated with him when he said that he didn’t care which duvet cover she bought. He thought it silly to spend so much time deciding if the brown with blue swirls looked better than the blue with brown whirls. The aluminum can sitting on her nightstand was crunched, as always.
His eyes then tracked to the bedroom door and the grapefruit-sized rock used to prop it open. The happy face painted on it smiled at him through the shadows as he thought of his darling daughter Lin bringing it home from summer camp.
Dirk crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom, mentally trying to decide if he wanted to just get up or if he could squeeze another half hour of sleep in. He looked at the toilet and stopped to think if he needed to sit or stand. Sit or stand? Sit or stand…?
“Just go already, would you?” his wife mumbled with her face half buried in the pillow. “And don’t forget to lower the seat when you’re done.”