(Riinngg, Riinng, Riin-)
–Good evening and thanks for calling The O’Reilly Factor. What would you like to discuss?
–I’d like to take on Mr. O’Reilly’s challenge to start addressing what’s right about America. Specifically, sports announcers, American whiskey, fish and game, pretty girls and recycling fur coats.
–Great. Hold for Mr. O’Reilly.
(Long pause)
–Hi, welcome to the no-spin zone!
–Mr. O’Reilly?
–Yes, what have you got to say?
–Well I just called up to talk about some of my favorite things, and they’re all American.
–Fine. Go ahead.
–Well first of all, there’s ESPN. I love that little fat guy who’s been there forever, Chris is his name, I think? Anyway, I just can’t get enough of OL’ BERMAN and I don’t care who knows it!
–Uh, what was –
–Oh, and my favorite drink while I’m listening to OL’ BERMAN is to sip at a glass of aged Wild Turkey, ‘cause OLD BOURBON is just the best thing ever next to OL’ BERMAN, don’t you agree?
–Wait a minute, are you –
–‘Course I’m not a complete couch potato, at least not when OL’ BERMAN and OLD BOURBON aren’t around. I like to go ice fishing. Last week, though, I put my boot though a thin spot near shore, and let me tell you, that water was COLD! BRR, MAN!
–Okay, just a –
–And nobody beats American girls. I used to cut quite a swath in my day, and thank God there’s still a few out there who appreciate an OLDER MAN, that’s all I have to say. A young girl out there who might like a pre-owned fur wrap, like a fine OLD ERMINE.
–All right, I’ve heard about –
–I just needed to get that off my chest, Mr. O’Reilly. Thanks for having the courage to let me discuss what’s* right * with America for a change.
(Click)