Even amongst people with Norman Rockwell families, parents growing old and frail can bring out the worst in all concerned. Someone I was talking to recently was complaining that her mother can no longer cook and clean, which pisses the mother off, because she was raised in an era where that’s what mothers did–cook and clean. Meanwhile the father is physically capable, if not exactly experienced, and refuses to cook and clean because that’s woman’s work. Arguments in their house are frequent, but not bitter. And at least there are several children to help out the parents.
Another person in the discussion remarked on how lucky he was that by the time his mother really needed care, she was too out of it mentally to put up a major fuss over recieving the assistance she needed.
That’s not to suggest that those with less than idyllic relationships with their parents may not have difficult times dealing with the parents and their health issues. But, even those of us with good relationships with our parents can relate to the " I hope my parents just drop dead" sentiment expressed in the OP.
OK, but I would think your motivation for such a thought would come from the desire to have that parent at peace or out of pain. Not so for some of us who never really had childhoods(of course, some of us are capable of compassion despite shitty childhoods).
Parents are just people and many of them are shitty at even that. IMO, it is harder for those who don’t have good relations when fraility hits because the tolerance and patience just isn’t there.
As always, YMMV. It would be hard to watch someone you love deeply succumb to Alzheimer’s or similiar. But I come back to the fact that at least you(generic) had years of knowing and loving that person, and knew you were loved back. Senility and death end the (sometimes) life long dream of the Good Parent for some.
This is a good part of what I was getting at with the OP. When a loved one is having a medical crisis we are supposed to be there, be supportive, help out, help each other help the person. When you just don’t give a shit, or when you do give a shit but you must also deal with someone about whom you don’t give a shit but who is making your caretaking difficult, it adds extra stress. Plus you have to dance around the issue with the professional caretakers. How do I tell the nurse that Dad isn’t helping like he should? Suppose someday Mom is dying in the hospital and I have to tell him to get the fuck out in front of the medical people? Or if it’s Dad dying and they call me and I say they can do what they want, as I washed my hands of him long ago? I’m sure they’ve seen it all, but it makes my head hurt just to think about it.
Already this afternoon I was dancing around the issue when calling around to find Mom’s dressings. Several providers asked whether it was covered by insurance. I don’t know and it’s just easier not to find out, because he’ll worm his way in and ask what’s wrong with just using the yards and yards of gauze they already have? Because you won’t help her put it on, dickweed. I’d rather just pay the $50 myself and be done with it, and know that she can do it herself without your lazy ass.
This is not at all to demean the grief of those in loving normal families who are dealing with a disabled loved one (even if only temporarily, as in this case). Count yourselves lucky in one respect – that you can count on one another for help and support. Some of us don’t have that.
The person who should apologize for wandering off topic would be ME, especially given this quote from the OP “Dysfunctional Dopers, please tell me about dealing with your declining parents and make me feel like I’m not alone.” I can’t do the first part–seeing as how I’m not a dysfunctional doper, but it is true that even loving families struggle to handle declining parents.
A portion of a wish for a quick death for my parents when the time comes is to avoid having a parent in pain, yes, but some of it is a purely selfish wish for a quick death, not the extended events some must deal with. (I am coping secondhand with declining grandmothers–my grandfathers are long deceased).
I do see–I think–where you are coming from with this quote
" As always, YMMV. It would be hard to watch someone you love deeply succumb to Alzheimer’s or similiar. But I come back to the fact that at least you(generic) had years of knowing and loving that person, and knew you were loved back. Senility and death end the (sometimes) life long dream of the Good Parent for some.", even if I don’t relate, and will refrain from trying to place the emotional difficulty of various declining parents in a heirarchy. I’m sure that you are right that an already difficult relationship becomes more complicated when age and infirmity are added in. At any rate, I do not envy you your family relationships.
My dad had Parkinson’s, and it took him 15 years to die. For the first 12 of those years, he was his usual nasty, unpleasant self. Couple that with my mom’s major martyrdom complex, and I was just very grateful to live several thousand miles away and let my sister who was dumb enough to be in the same town deal with them.
Strangely enough, in his last years, as the dementia really set in, he turned into a really sweet, loving man. Kind of the dad I’d never known and never expected to know. People who only knew him late in life were truly shocked when I told them what he’d been like when I was growing up.
Our family situation obviously isn’t as bad as yours, but I really do understand some of what you’re faced with. Just because we’re related to someone doesn’t mean we have to like them.
My suggestion? Really scope out that POA, see what it not only entitles you to do but talk to your mom about what she’d like you to handle for her. I suspect she’d probably be very happy to have you just take charge of certain issues for her, especially if it means that, in poor health already, she doesn’t need to fight your dad for what she needs. It’s hard being a grownup sometimes, isn’t it?
It’s just hard as hell when this stuff happens, is all. I have already told my SIL that when her mother (my MIL) declines, she is all hers–I will not take care of this person.
Unfortunately, I am the closest one geographically and also I’m a nurse. Not good odds. Luckily, I have no compunction when it comes to this bitch on wheels, so it’ll work out.
The one I pity is my FIL-who may be a Dittohead, but was (is) a dependable, nice enough fellow. He does everything for her–even though he is sick now. She won’t even drive. She knows how, she just won’t.
God, shoot me if I ever get that awful. Scarlett -you might want to check into the insurance next time you visit. OR talk to the case manager who was in charge of her during her stay. The CM is sure to have some suggestions re dressing and payment etc.
You can certainly admit to the nurses or the CM that your father is not the most supportive of people-we hear it all the time. Trust me, the RN who visited has already made a note of it in your mom’s chart/file. Nurses do this just for this reason–there are any number of people out there who not only don’t help their loved ones, but actively undermine their recovery…
You do all you can. Not for them for you. Somewhere when it ends guilt will creep in where you never thought possible.What could I have done. What should I have done. You wont win so just do all you can. Protect yourself.
So bizarre to hear people say that. As I said, there was no abuse growing up, just this incredible inability of my parents to function as normal happy rational human beings. As my sister’s new fiance said to her (her first hubby was a lot like Dear Old Dad), “No wonder you have all these low self-esteem problems!” (No shit.)
Well, truth be told, she’s usually in good health, even being obese – just has bad arthritis in her knees. No heart trouble, diabetes, high cholesterol, high BP, none of that. This should be a temporary thing for now. But I see your point about down the road, and will definitely dig it out.
Well, that’s easier said than done. I’m an hour away and not usually there. And how exactly do I get a discreet word with the visiting nurse? They’re always RIGHT THERE. Even I could somehow happen to show up when the nurse is there. I suppose maybe sneak the phone number off her card in case things get bad. It should actually improve as my mother regains mobility.
My aunt will come on one of the PT’s off days to wash hair and do exercises. Thank you, auntie!
Now I’m checking into phones again because the (second) one I got them won’t do long-distance calling card numbers in memory, like their current shitty phone does. (They have no LD on the home line. :rolleyes: )
Yeah, I’ve been doing that already, ever since I left that house. (I graduated high school at 17, and my mother wanted me to stay home and work for a year to earn money for college first. No way, nohow. I had a good scholarship and I fought tooth and nail to get out of that house.) Even more so since I got married and started building my own Real Life. There have been cases where my mother wanted me to do some stupid thing that she imagined would “make her look good” in front of everyone else, and I put my foot down. I will not be someone I’m not, just for appearances, like she has done her whole life. She considers my having “strong opinions” one of my chief flaws; she has strong opinions too, it’s just that mine are different and I express them.
Thank you, auntie!