How much do you owe elderly parent as their health declines?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My siblings and I are using the same line of reasoning to justify two very different approaches to my elderly mother who is in a nursing home (maybe forever, but perhaps only for a short period).

My mother has been in declining health for 15 years, decline getting worse since my dad died last year. She voluntarily went into a nursing home last month and plans to stay there as long as Medicare says it’s OK.

My sisters are approaching this with what I would call a “Tough Love” approach. Meaning that if Mom can do something, she should do it. No enabling, no assisting unless absolutely necessary. Doesn’t matter if it takes her half an hour to do something that any other able bodied person could do in 20 seconds. To justify this approach, they say “after all she’s done for us, we should not take any of her life away before it is absolutely necessary.”

I’m approaching this as “if I can make my mother’s life easier, or if she asks me to do something I will do it, pretty much no matter what”. My reasoning…“after all she’s done for us, why make her life anymore difficult than it has to be”.

Most recent example, at the home. My mother asks my sisters (while i’m not there) to make a simple health insurance phone call. They both decline. When I arrive, my mother looks me directly in the eye and asks me to make call. I take the contact info from her and say “of course”. No questions asked.

My sister takes the contact info from me and gives it back to my mother telling her to do it. Repeat about 6 times. Sister finally gets disgusted and storms out and does not come back. Tels my wife on the way out to not come over to the family homestead that evening.

More background, I live in the same town as my mother, my sisters live 90 minutes away, but only come in for one overnight stay every 2 weeks (much less often when my dad was alive). So with all their preaching about self sufficiency and independence, if anything were to go wrong in their theory, I would be the one to clean up.

It’s to the point where they hate me for my approach. My dad always took care of the household business and this past year has been difficult for her to adjust to the responsibility. So I’m helping her out w/ things she can’t/doesn’t want/or is intimidated by. My sisters apparently want her to learn new life lessons and make her a better person.

I understand their point, but honestly, making a phone call is not going to make my mother’s life better. I end up looking like the Golden Child and then end up looking like Harpies. Not my intention, but I can’t help the way they approach it.

2

WTF? If you were doing things for your mother that she had expressly asked you NOT to do, because she wants to maintain her independence, then that line of reasoning would hold, But if your mother is asking you to do something for her, who the hell do your sisters think they are to prevent you from doing it?

The first time your sister took the info away from you, you should have popped her one in the mouth. Seriously though - you’re an adult, your mother is an adult, who do your sisters think they are to put restrictions on what you’d do for her? And telling you not to bother coming by the family homestead (which I presume they don’t own) ? Are you by chance the youngest sibling?

It sounds far more like they don’t want to get in a situation where they’re expected to do anything for her at all, and you’re “undermining” that by being a dutiful son.

3

It sounds like your siblings want to keep mom independent as long as possible, and that’s good, but if mom asks for help, I say help. You’ll know when her requests become unreasonable or unnecessary.

The thing to remember is that sometimes elderly parents will ask for help when all they really want is some attention. My mom did this. Almost every weekend she’d ask us to come over to do something around the house. When we got there, she’d say “Oh, that’s okay, I took care of it” or “We can do that later, let’s just visit. Want to call out for pizza?” Poor mom. If she hadn’t asked for help so often, we might have visited without being asked.

4

Something else for your siblings to consider – maybe mom asks for help because she wants you to feel useful, and for you to know that she doesn’t feel abandoned.

Some people still feel a bit of guilt when parents go to nursing homes. Your mom is probably aware of that, and maybe she’s trying to make sure you don’t feel guilty. When she lets you help her, maybe she thinks she’s making you feel better. So by asking for help, she’s helping you. Let her help you by helping her.

'splain that to your siblings, and tell them you’ll do what you want with regard to mom. They’re not the boss of you.

5

Your mother voluntarily went into assisted living - it sounds like she knows she needs help with daily life stuff. It also sounds like your sisters might be in a bit of denial - they’re not teaching an elderly woman any life lessons by refusing to help her; they’re just making her life more difficult. Can you make a deal with your mom, that you’ll help her as required and your sisters just don’t need to know about it? That business with the phone number going back and forth like that - I would have yelled at someone.

6

Sounds a bit like that to me as well. As long as nobody is helping mom they have less to feel guilty about.

How old is mom anyway? I think that by the time one gets to be in a nursing home, the time for “life lessons” is pretty much over.

7

I have to agree with everyone else on this one. I can imagine any number of situations where “Tough Love” puts your mom in a position where she attempts to do more than she’s capable of and ends up hurting herself.

Whatever problem your sisters have with who is or isn’t helping, it sounds like it’s not really about Mom. It’s about them.

8

Or maybe you would have visited her even less. But I gather she’s no longer a “problem.”

The OP is doing the right thing. His sisters seem to be more concerned with the homestead than with their mother.

9

As a mom (and now a grandmom!) I think, that if I had been that mom, I would have popped the sister in the mouth. Sheesh! Some people.

10

I didn’t say she was a problem. We enjoyed going to mom’s, but with full-time jobs and four kids, we didn’t want to go every weekend. And we did visit often, without being asked. Mom got plenty of attention.

11

I’m sorry, but what the fuck? Your sisters sound like manipulative, mean-spirited bitches from where I’m standing. This is possibly a cultural difference (I’m from India, where taking care of elderly parents is very much the norm), but who would put an aging person through that sort of thing? If your mother is asking for help merely for the attention, I can understand that, but from your post she seems to be very much aware of what she needs. It’s not as though she’s going to learn new life lessons and suddenly pick up all the stuff that your dad did for her, and I think she should be given a break. Your sister would have had a few choice words said to her if it had been me in that situation. I think you’re doing the right thing, and your mom will be grateful for it.

12

She’s your mother. They should show some respect.

13

We’re facing a similar situation in our family.

There is some validity to the “tough love” approach, in that it does people good to keep active, especially mentally.

However, this needs to be approached carefully. First, is this something she genuinely has trouble doing, or does she just not like to do it? And do you get the impression she is asking for reasons other than difficulty (attention, laziness, wanting pity?). There is some of this in our situation, we think, and it makes the situation very much murkier.

My thinking is this: If they ask, and they genuinely have some difficulty (and especially frustration) doing it, think about helping, especially if it is an hour for them to do it instead of a minute for you.

And ask yourself these questions: Is this something that she will (or should) be doing on her own again in the future, or is it now and forever beyond her without excessive frustration and pain? And is she getting mental and physical exercise in other ways that are not frustrating or an ordeal for her? Will it be a problem if she can’t do this on her own at some point when you are not available temporarily?

If she will need to be doing it again on her own in the future, occasional help is fine, but she should be encouraged to do it on her own at least part of the time or the skill goes away. If, OTOH, this is something she will probably never be able to do unassisted again, then I’d say help.

And it doesn’t hurt to ask to make sure you aren’t stepping in too much. But in the presence of a clear request for help, that doesn’t seem likely.

14

As people become elderly, their mental acuity often starts fading. Insurance dealings are a PITA and often unnecessarily complex. Plus, if it’s orally transmitted, it’s easily forgotten. Your mother might have been concerned that she wouldn’t understand or retain whatever info that was given.

Many physical conditions of the elderly cause mental acuity to decline. I would have a talk with her physician, and then have him/her have a talk with your siblings. It sounds like their expectations are way out of line with reality.

15

Your sisters are right in some respects. It is good for seniors to keep doing as much as they can, especially physically. As soon as my grandparents started sitting in a chair 24/7 and letting everyone else do things for them, their health declined quickly, and soon they lost all ability to help themselves.

However–seniors also deal with the loss of mental faculties, and their hearing and vision are almost always impaired as well. It is hard for them to do things like make phone calls because they have trouble hearing, and get confused when they are transferred to multiple people. They lose track of details and have trouble keeping notes. So it’s reasonable to help her with it. Trust me–I talk to seniors on the phone regularly about complicated legal issues, and it’s difficult. Most delegate that task to an adult child.

You need to sit down with your mother and sisters and hash out a reasonable plan for taking care of your mother’s needs. It is a bit ludicrous that, in an effort to keep Mom “independent,” they are acting as dictators who tell her what she can or cannot do. Maybe if you all talk and Mom explains why she feels she needs help with some things, your sisters will relent.

That said, anything you can do to keep Mom physically and mentally active is good.

16

What QN Jones said.

Each of my grandmothers took very different paths. On my mom’s side, my grandmother was more than willing to let others do for her what she do herself with a bit of effort. Mentally and physically, she declined much faster than she would have if she’d been forced to be more active in both areas. On my dad’s side, my grandmother wouldn’t let anyone do anything for her–even if it was dangerous for her to do it herself. That wasn’t perfect either when she started falling (and getting her to stop driving was enough to send my aunt into therapy).

As QN Jones said, it would be best to keep your mom active but she will need help in some areas. Customer service number menus are particularly hard for many older people.

17

Sounds like your sisters might be seeing their future selves in your mom, and as long as she can do for herself, they don’t have to worry about becoming helpless. Brothers and sisters basically have very different parents–my mother drove me far crazier than she did my brothers, whereas my older brother’s raging hostility toward my father was always a puzzle to me. At any rate, I think you should take this on a case-to-case basis; the insurance call makes sense to me. Later it may be something that she asks for just to get attention. Ignore your sisters, do whatever lets you continue to respect yourself and that you will feel okay about after she is gone and it’s too late to go back and change things.

18

She did not want to make the phone call because their is no outgoing long distance from her nursing home and she does not like the Jitterbug cell phone we got her. Mastering a new electronic device and dealing with a phone call where she might get confused, yes she asked for help.

It’s not surprising, she has asked for help w/ her checkbook in the past year. With the caveat that I don’t tell my sisters that she asked. She recv’d an ad for 300K of life insurance for a low, low cost. Instead of immediately knowing it was garbage, she asked me to read it over and give my opinion. I know from experience that she has a problem with comprehension at times, along with her physical difficulties.

Yes, I do believe my sisters are covering their own butts. If Ma is more self sufficient, then they don’t feel bad for one overnight stay every two weeks. If Ma doesn’t need assistance, then they can feel secure about being over 40 never married, no significant other. I know that’s probably bad psychoanalysis, but that’s what I’m thinking.

Other difficulty is that they refuse to discuss Mom, w/o Mom being in the room. It’s hard for us to hash out a plan of attack, they are only available a few hours every other Saturday night. No e-mails, phone calls, etc. To me in the business world, that’s called a planning meeting and presenting a united front. Mom gets confused when there is too many people talking with differing view points.

Thanks for letting me know that I’m not being a horrible person. I just hate that they are putting themselves in a bad light. They may not be yelling at her every time they speak, but that what Ma tells me they are doing. In this case, perception is reality.

19

My dad has Parkinson’s, and we’re treading a sort of middle path. On one hand, it doesn’t do him any good to just sit there like a lump and not do anything, so we encourage/coerce him into doing some things like working in his garden, etc…

On the other hand, with his condition, it can take a major portion of the day’s time and energy to do pretty mundane things like take a shower, put shoes on, etc… so we tend to help him with them if he’s willing.

Basically the idea is to improve the quality of life- some activities and exertions are good, and others are just mundane ones that there’s no sense of triumph, and mostly just frustration, so we help out with those.

20

I take care of the elderly and it is best to keep them as independent as possible for as long as they can. If your Mom has dementia you may want to make her calls for her but otherwise she should make them. Hippa laws require them to unless you both sign a paper giving you permission.

I think If I was in your position I would sit down with your sisters and discuss a game plan and stick to it. One woman I took care of was manipulative with her children but only once with me. I quit. Often when people get older they go back to acting childish and will play one sibling off the other. It is important for you all to be on the same page for your mothers sake. She should also have all her affairs in order and one of you should have power of attorney. She should also have a Living Will. All these things will make things go much smoother.