WTH?? I have to say, my mother is a senior, however she’s just shy of 65 (you didn’t mention your mom’s age or I totally missed it.)
However, my mom is sharp as a tack, take cares of my dad full time, works a part time job when she’s bored and is more on the ball than many 20 year olds.
Sometimes I make phone calls for her. This isn’t because she can’t or because she’s afraid she’s going to forget something or get confused - this is because I spend all day on the phone and I’m better at it than she is.
Personally, I think your sisters are kind of being jerks. I have no idea what the solution is, but if your mom asks you to make a pesky phone and you’re not bothered by it, I say go for it. When she starts needing to have a diaper changed (which, sadly, happens to many old folks) then it may be time for additional discussions.
Is there someone in the nursing home that could be present when you have discussions with your sisters, that would back you up in terms of what assistance your mother does and doesn’t need?
Sounds to me like your sisters are complete douchebags. The whole “make her a better person” line is utter bullshit that they’re using to justify being assholes.
I don’t think people “owe” anything to their parents, but I also do think that it is perfectly reasonable for someone who’s 77 (therefore, probably somewhat hard of hearing, a condition which is worse on the phone than in person) and has difficulty breathing to have other people handle their phone calls.
My mother has been sick, to different degrees, since before I was born, and I’m her eldest. There are times when we need to go for “tough love” or she’d just stop doing anything for herself, but when we do that, we make sure it’s on stuff that she can do for herself. Getting something off a high shelf means, for her, getting the ladder, carrying it (which is likely to mean bumps on the hallway’s walls), setting it into place (half the time she doesn’t properly set the safety catch), climbing it, getting the object, climbing down, putting the ladder back; for my brothers it’s a matter of reaching up, not even on tiptoe. Your sisters may be unclear on the concept of “what’s difficult for me” vs. “what’s difficult for Mom”.
IMNSHO, everything. They took care of you when you couldn’t walk, talk, feed yourself or clean up after taking a dump. Simple, common courtesy dictates that you do the same for them.
Digger, I agree with your point of view. Allow your mom as much freedom and independence as she wants, but if something can be done to make her life easier (like making a phone call), then it should be. Your sister is a jerk.
This issue has the potential to really divide your family, I would tread very carefully, if I were you.
Are you prepared to take on the lion’s share of her extra assistance, willingly, not long sufferingly, should she become more dependent? Can you do so without resenting or lording it over the other siblings? These are key questions for me. If you’re prepared to do more, gracefully and aware you are doing so freely, no one is forcing your hand, than I agree with your position, in this.
You need to have a conversation with the siblings that is respectful of their beliefs whatever the motivation. You need to point out that while you have differing viewpoints you would never expect them to act in anyway that makes them uncomfortable. And while you don’t share their views you are willing to view their actions as ‘doing what they believe is best’ and accept them without resentment or disrespect. From there you simply point out that you, also, will not be acting in anyway that makes you uncomfortable and sincerely hope they can respect that and resist being dismissive or viewing your actions as undermining. In this you must simply agree to disagree and promise to still be respectful of the views/actions of the other.
I wish you good luck these sorts of journeys are never easy.
It sounds like the sisters come to town to go over the goodies at the “family homestead”–now that Mom’s safely out of the way. They probably have delusions of family heirlooms that would make The Keno Twins faint.
If they are truly concerned about their mother’s alertness & state of mind, they should just spend more time with her. She would benefit more from an afernoon’s outing than from an hour stuck in voicemail hell. She might just enjoy a long drive to check out the spring flowers, followed by a quick snack.
Does your sister have some kind of unresolved issues about her upbringing? That’s about all I can think of to explain such spiteful actions. Your mother is a grown woman and doesn’t need any assistance in making her mind up about what help she needs. Given how much your siblings cut themselves out of her life I’d recommend that you sit down with your mother and discuss options with her and then present them to your sisters as what the family is going to do. If they can’t be bothered being there then they can deal with the consequences of that.
Maybe I’m not being fair. Incidents don’t happen in a vacuum. Both sisters have it in their mind that I’m “trying to take over”. Using that backdrop, lashing out in such a way, isn’t unexplainable. It definitely isn’t appropriate, but these things happen.
My original OP was trying to get a handle on whether “tough Love” should ever be used in dealing w/ your elderly parent. Personally I don’t have the intestinal fortitude for it, but that doesn’t mean that it is never the correct tactic.
She was planning this move into the nursing home for about a week before she actually did it, during that week we discussed a lot of the logistics. I didn’t spell out all of her potential choices about an issue, for the most part I said “this is probably the best route to take”. I see that as providing guidance, sisters see it has having too much influence.
There is no real reason why she’s not opening up her own bills (for example), it’s just easier on me (and more accurate) for me to play gatekeeper. Dealing w/ household issues was discussed before she went in, if she doesn’t like the way I handle it, I’ll stop. I fully expect her to take back some of these responsibilities once (if) she gets back out of the home. Sisters see this as taking over.
My Ma has been a shut in for almost 15 years (ever since she stroked). She stopped driving and working after that. She goes out to see doctors, we drag her out for a hour of Xmas shopping every Friday after T-giving, but that’s about it. As her health is declining, it just keeps getting tougher. We talked about it the other day, she basically doesn’t want to be away from her variety of breathing treatments, her breathing has been somewhat unpredictable.
On a slightly different note…perhaps you should consider what You think a daughter or son should do in accordance with Your view of Your relationship and obligations.
Let the opinions of others flow around you. Be calm in your resolve to do what you think is right in your heart. Accept the opinions of others as their views for themselves.
This is the only way I survived my parent’s decline and the unequal expectations of my siblings. I did what I felt a good son would do.
Our family just went through this, to a degree. So long as your mother is mentally competent, I’d recommend following her wishes as much as possible. She’s probably had a lifetime of stress and worry, and it sounds as though breathing is worry enough for her right now.
In my experience, one adult child usually gets designated as the Primary Caretaker for an elderly parent. Other siblings often have input, but usually families find that one of them is better positioned to judge what the parent needs on a day-to-day basis.
I still say you need to have a serious talk with your sisters, but it seems that it should include a discussion about who will be in charge of keeping tabs on Mom, and why they don’t want you to do it.
The only time I saw this role divided amongst siblings was when one took control of medical needs, one did finances, one took care of the parent’s real estate and belongings, etc. If you can’t agree on everything, maybe the three of you can divide up the chores so your sisters still feel like they have input.
However, eventually your mother will need someone to act as Power of Attorney for her, if she continues to decline. And usually, whoever gets that job ends up “taking over,” because they have the legal power to do so. Has your mom figured out who she would want to have that job yet? This is another thing you will need to discuss.