What would you do? Would you live with them so you can take care of them? Find a nursing home? Hire a caretaker? Do nothing?
I frankly have no idea.
This has already happened with me, and now it’s in the past. After having lived in NYC for 25 years, I moved back here to help my mother take care of my father, who had Alzheimer’s. After he passed away I spent the next 10 years taking care of my mother, due to her own health problems. Yes, it was a sacrifice, but it ensured that her last years would not be spent alone. She lived to be 92, and did not suffer much at the end.
The one thing that saved my sanity was my partner, who relocated along with me, and bought the house next door.
This is a genuine problem, both because people are living longer and because there are nasty conditions (Dementia, Altzheimers, Parkinsons, Macular Degeneration etc) which make it impossible for an elderly person to cope alone.
There will be different solutions, depending on the illnesses, location and available support.
It will definitely go better if preparations are made. You need to look into what care is available, how much it costs and what your parents want. You should consider power of attorney and they should make a will.
Even with all this, there may be real suffering.
In my case, my beloved parents lived into their 80’s.
Mum was incredibly active for her age, whereas Dad had difficulty walking, loss of bladder control, Parkinsons and Macular Degeneration.
They were then in London, whereas my sister and I lived about 100 miles away (because of our jobs).
My sister and I decided to ask our parents to move much closer and into a bungalow (because Dad had real problems with stairs).
This worked really well for several years, because we could see them regularly and help with stuff like changing light bulbs. Mum was able to act as Dad’s Carer and they had some help from the local Authority.
There was a dramatic development when Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had to be rushed to hospital for an immediate operation. Dad had to go into a Nursing Care Home immediately.
I hope people will understand if I say it was a truly traumatic period and that we children just wanted our parents not to suffer. (We were both emotional wrecks too.)
Mum was soon in a Hospice (given a week to live) and Dad was finding the Nursing Care Home difficult. Although the staff were wonderful, he just wanted ‘to go home to his wife’.
Mum passed away painlessly and peacefully and Dad followed similarly a couple of months later. The doctor said Dad ‘died of a broken heart’.
They had been happily married for over 60 years.
My parents are in their 70s and getting more frail. I moved closer to them just recently and find it useful to be 40 minutes away. My mother says that together, she and my dad make one good man. They painted the living room. It took them 3 days but they didn’t care and they did it themselves. Daddy’s had 4 major surgeries in the past 3 years, including triple bypass, so we all know that things are changing. I will care for them in their home as long as I can. They’ve been together almost 60 years and really are like one person. I’ve got the medical side and I’ll deal with the rest as it comes.
Cyn, RN
I can really relate to what others have said in the previous posts. I have my hands rather full here. I’m 47 years old, married, with one daughter. This really doesn’t matter, but I have to mention that I’m diabetic, taking 3 injections per day. I haven’t had any insulin for nearly 2 months, because of not having insurance any longer. I’ve just had to watch every bite of what goes into my mouth, is all. I’m doing ok, I suppose.
Except for the wicked serious stress of the following:
My grandma lives with us. She’s 93 years old, with Alzheimer’s, some slight mobility problems (She’s starting to forget how to walk), and arthritis. She’s doing ok, physically. Mentally, we can really see how much she’s changed for the worse in the 3 years we’ve lived together. Some days, she doesn’t even remember who I am. That’s ok, though. That’s how AD works. She only has to take 3 Rx pills each day, and that’s fantastic, considering her age.
I’m also caring for my mother, who is 70 years old. I’m just glad she lives two houses away from us. That helps a lot with her being so close.
She’s diabetic, has severe arthritis in her legs, has just informed me a week ago that she’s got a brain tumor (She won’t tell me anything other than that about it, though), she had a quadruple by-pass a few years ago, after having had a serious heart attack that did some major damage to her heart, has a pacemaker/defibrillator, and she’s also taking kidney dialysis three times a week. She can’t do much of anything on her own anymore, in regards to cooking and cleaning. She walks using a cane or walker. That’s not even going too well. She lives alone, and I think she needs to be in a nursing facility, but that choice is up to her. She’s the type that you can’t reason with. She’s very bitter, angry, and mean these days. I suppose that if I had her problems, I’d be a bit nasty myself. It’s not easy dealing with her on a day-to-day basis, though! So, I’m basically on-call for her 24/7/365.
She’s taking around 23 different Rx meds per day, plus 4 insulin injections each day.
The situations with my mom and my grandma will not be getting better, and I know this. I have come to terms with it, and I try to educate myself as much as I can, and as often as I can, about Alzheimer’s, and all the problems my mom has, whenever I can get some ‘quiet time’ all to myself. That isn’t very often these days.
For me, that, and taking care of two houses and the various tasks involved for each one, such as laundry and cleaning (including getting meals up to my mom’s house) every day is a bit overwhelming, but that’s how it goes, I suppose. I’m also the one that takes them to their various doctor’s appointments, etc.
I’m the only child that lives nearby. I have a sister that lives about 20 miles from here, but she has no car to get over here to visit/help out…Nor does she have the inclination to do so. So, it’s just me doing it all.
I am my grandma’s POA, but not mom’s. Not yet, anyway. We do need to get that taken care of right away. I know this. I made sure that both have their wills taken care of, so that’s one less worry for me.
Plus, to make matters more stressful, my husband and I put every last cent of our savings into my grandma’s house, building onto it, so we could live there to help her out. I’m very sorry that we did that, though. We didn’t put the house in my name. BIG mistake. If my grandma gets to the point where I can’t help her anymore, or if she becomes too much for me to handle, and she would have to go to the nursing home, then we would lose the house (After contacting our family attorney, he told me that the nursing homes go back 7 years, and I would most likely lose it, anyway, if she had to go to a nursing home before the 7 year span was past), and every cent we put into it. But, that’s another thread, if it gets to that point. I hope it never does. If it does, we’re screwed.
My husband has been laid-off for nearly 3 months, and money is very, very tight. But, we seem to be getting by. Somehow.
I’m just extremely tired, is all. There is always something that needs to be done, either here, or at mom’s house. If it weren’t for my husband and our daughter (who also lives with us) helping me out so much, I honestly don’t think I could do it anymore. It really does wear a person down to have this much stress in their life.
It’s hell to be a child and/or grandchild of someone you love, when they can no longer care for themselves. It feels like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and in your heart.
What do your parents want? Don’t guess what your parents will want; ask them. The time to discuss this sort of thing with your parents is NOW, when they are still healthy and firm of mind. Now is the time they should have durable powers of attorney and health care directives drawn up, preferably by a lawyer so that the documents will have a better chance of being enforceable when necessary.
Edit: I don’t know how old your parents are, but if they’re getting up there, they also need to get long-term care insurance!
My SIL did a reverse mortgage on her house so she could have in-home care in her final year. **Nonacetone, ** you might want to look into that with grandma.
My dad will be 80 in October. He’s still living alone, but we’re noticing that his mental capacity is dwindling bit by bit. We will use the remaining money in his account to have in-home care for him. I’ve seen nursing homes. They’re hell holes that no one should be subjected to except in the most dire of circumstances.
We’ve only discussed their advance directives and living wills for in the event that they are both incapacitated at once (they go on long camping trips and if they are both in an accident, say). Beyond that, it’s their business. I assume they have planned for the resources to do whatever they decide to do with themselves.
If they asked for my help I would do what I can but for now I assume they will take care of themselves.
My grandparents will both be 80 this year.
My parents are in their 50’s and doing ok.
I am most worried about the grandparents, although their health is really quite good considering their ages. Grandpa is healthy save for a little bit of HBP. Grandma had a tiny little bit of breast cancer (lumpectomy and radiation “cured” it), and other than that she has finally decided that her hip is bad enough that it is time to have it replaced. She can no longer walk the golf course, she needs a cart (which, to her is anathema). She hasn’t scheduled the surgery yet, so we will deal with her care matters then.
My worst fear is that something will happen to Grandma and Grandpa will be all alone. She is the “rock” of the family and runs everything. I live 600 miles away, my dad is 1800 miles from them.
We are visiting them next month, so I imagine things can be discussed then.
When Mom gets too old to function, I’m going to take her out in her back pasture and put her down with a single shot behind the ear.
It’s what she’d want.*
*NOTE TO THE LITERAL-MINDED: It’s a joke.
This one. Like some others in the thread, I’ve all ready been there, except that my mother wasn’t old.
Except it is what my mom wants…She’s not old (63) but recently has had an assortment of health problems diagnosed. All of them apparently treatable with medicines and changes in diet and habits. She did quit smoking several years ago but was a pack a day smoker for about 40 years, never eats vegetables, and doesn’t ecxercise.
She has medicines related to cholesterol, blood pressure, and diabetes. The side effects have been mild but are unpleasant to her. She has said, quite seriously that she would rather stop all the medicines and drop dead at 65 enjoying some buttered toast or ice cream than live anouther 25 years all itchy, and uncomfortable, unable to garden (two of her medicines instruct her to stay out of sunlight) and eating food she hates.
My answer to the OP is that I really don’t know. My job is pretty securely tied to where I am and she lives 300 miles away. I don’t know if she’d ever consider moving in with us…but our history is pretty rocky so even typing that makes me nervous. I do have an older sister with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I’m fairly certain she’d take the lead.
My brother has lived in my parents house for about 15 years. My dad died last summer, and my mom is a healthy but frail and alzheimery 86. She is on some med that has improved her but she is not safe to really cook. My brother sets her meds out for her by her chair, and she takes them pretty much automaticallly. She does make a sandwich for herself for lunch, like she has been doing for the last like 50 years so that is still on autopilot for now. She mainly sits around and watches tv, and takes a fairly long nap right after lunch until my brother gets home at about 330.
When the time comes, we will try to get a visiting nurse in 3 times a week to help her bathe and make sure she eats. When that is no longer an option we will be looking into a nursing facility for her. I personally sort of hope she drops dead before her mind totally goes from something reasonably quick and painless. Sounds cruel, but it is heartrending seeing someone who was so proud of working in WW2 in the engineering department of an aircraft factory on the x-1 project not even recognize it when they played a documentary on the Hitler channel about it.
My parents are healthy and have savings, and we live a couple of miles away. I’m not worried about them anytime soon.
My in-laws scare me to death. They’re very poor, not very good at managing their finances, and are both already starting to go downhill in their early 60’s. Pretty soon they will need serious help, and right now we aren’t in a position to do much about that. FIL had a stroke and lost movement in one side of his face–he refused to go to a doctor and didn’t tell us about it for 3 weeks. Because of his health history, I would not be at all surprised to see him develop dementia quite soon. My MIL is developing some mental quirks that are somewhat worrying. And at the moment there isn’t much communication anyway, because my FIL acted very badly over something and managed to alienate even the nicest and most forgiving of his children.
My Mom would prefer to drop dead; her fear is “lingering”. She probably doesn’t want me to actually shoot her, but a convenient safe falling from a window…
My 85 year old Dad moved in with my husband and me three years ago. He’s 85, and in fairly good health. For several years he was a caretaker for his roommate who had Parkinson’s, but his health deteriorated and the roommate was moved to a nursing home. Dad debated getting another apartment, but in the end we convinced him to move in with us.
We set up a study and a bedroom and he’s very happy. He’s partially deaf, but we got him some headphones so he can hear the TV and the radio without disturbing us. I also showed him Closed Captioning! He was blown away. 
He’s getting very frail, and uses a walker a lot. His mental capacity is slowing little by little, too. He has some savings and investments, and I’m a cosigner on his accounts. He insists on paying room and board, which helps a lot. I brought home generic power of attorney forms a few weeks ago, but we haven’t filled them out. I should get on that soon.
He did have a medical episode last Christmas, when he had three TIA’s (ministrokes.) Scared the shit out of all of us, but he seems to be fine now.
Even when they’re healthy, it’s stressful to live with an elder. Dad’s very mild mannered and non-combative. He never tells us what to do. Thank goodness!
I have a brother who has always been abroad (military) and now lives in Denver. I’ve asked him if he would come down this year and “babysit” while I take a vacation and he’s agreed. I don’t feel I can leave Dad overnight since he had the TIA’s, and a few anxiety attacks following them.
I’m proud of all of you (and us!) for taking care of our old folks. They need us.
My parents are in their 80s; one of my sisters (an RN) lives with them and another sister (an MD) is around the corner.
I wish I could convince my parents to move into assisted living. They refuse to do it and are heavily in denial about their situation. I live too far away to do much. Quitting our jobs and moving closer is out of the question - we cannot afford to do that. They have no interest in moving closer to where I live.
It’s a very frustrating situation. The last time my dad was in the hospital he was assigned a social worker, and he told me this situation isn’t unusual. Some old folks fight tooth and nail to keep from changing their situation even though it is clearly in their best interest to do so - they see it as a loss of independence and control. He told me that only a crisis is likely to change the situation - which of course is the worst time for any decisions to be made. Lovely.
It all depends on the person. My father and father-in-law are both 93. My father is very healthy, but not so much mentally, and my step-mother has a nurse in every morning to help. (She’s 88). They still live at home. They don’t live all that close, but I’m visiting this weekend.
My father-in-law on the other hand moved into a nice facility after my mother-in-law died. Not assisted living, he doesn’t need it. He is also healthy in both senses. He even has a girlfriend (a year older than he is.) He’s still playing the market, fairly successfully (he got out before the crash) and composing music.
Sometimes the best you can hope for is that someone is happy and healthy until they keel over dead one day. That’s what he wants.
They both have enough money, at least. That helps a lot.
My father died almost 10 years ago at the age of 68 of lung cancer. It was long and drawn out, but he didn’t need much special care untilt he end, and my mother’s brother came and helped her. Hopsice didn’t do much besides provide equipment and pain meds.
My mother remarried and suffered a rather severe stroke a few years ago. At that time the doctor told us to find a care facility. She went to rehab and then came home and made a remarkable recovery. The doctors who looked at her post-hemorrhage scans couldn’t believe she was functional. Then last October she had another huge brain bleed and died.
Now her husband, who still lives here, is on his own. He’s doing well, but at 77 his memory isn’t what it was. I’ll have POA for him.
StG