When your parents get old

In My Humble Opinion
21

My parents have already gotten old.

A lot depends on the health of the person(s) involved. My dad is 80 but in excellent health for his age and still very able to take care of himself. Actually, until February he wasn’t just taking care of himself but also mom, who despite being younger was in very bad shape with multiple problems. He was able to care for her at home until the end, with me and one of my two sisters providing some major support the final two months of her life. As I was unemployed, I was able to essentially move in with them for a couple months. If I had been employed I would have opted for Family and Medical Leave with much the same result.

Now, as it happens, although dad is still in very good health he chose of his own free will to move in with my sister in Buffalo and her family. Her house has a “mother-in-law” apartment, which gives dad a place of his own but he’s near family and if/when he needs help it will be there for him.

That’s how my family has dealt with this issue.

Now, what about YOUR family?

Have you even asked your parents what they prefer? That’s a first step.

As for the rest - well, assisted living CAN be good, but I had an aunt who moved with her husband into one such arrangement and it became a total nightmare and it wound up not only seriously endangering my uncle’s health but also cost them tens of thousands of dollars. On the flip side, my grandmother was in an assisted living facility (before that name became trendy, but that’s essentially what it was) and she was very happy with it, and was able to live in her own place until the last few weeks of her life. So, please, RESEARCH any assisted living arrangement you are considering. Some are good, some are bad.

Having mom or dad move in with you can also be very good or very bad - it depends more on the personalities than anything else. “Mother-in-law” apartments can go a long way to ameliorating the potential problems.

Having one party move closer to the other is another solution - you’re not in each other’s living space, but close enough to help out. It can also be very disruptive, stressful, and in many cases costly or impractical or imposing an awful lot on other family members, both adult and children.

There’s no one perfect solution - you have to do your best to find what fits your situation.

22

My Dad died 12 years ago, and my Mom has made plans of her own, to move into a certain assisted living facility of her own choosing, if and when she ever needs to.

I’ve always told her that she can come live with me when she gets old and decrepit (she’s 73 now), and she laughs at me, and says while she loves her little grandsons, she doesn’t want to have to put up with them all the time. My oldest sister still lives right around the corner from Mom, so at least there’s someone close by in case Mom needs help.

23

My mom is 87 and now lives with me. She’s had three strokes, has Alzheimers, and is on 4 different blood pressure/cholesterol meds as well as an anti-anxiety and a sleeping medication.

I have a care-giver person in here while I’m at work. If I want a weekend off, I have to pay someone to stay with her. I’m an only child, and the only close relation I have within 800 miles is a cousin who really doesn’t care to be with her for more than an hour or two.

My mom asks me regularly if I’ve seen my dad, or when he’s coming home. He died 12 years ago as of June 6th.

Sometimes she’s relatively clear. Most of the time she’s in the ozone, paranoid, and, well, generally angry.

She’ll stay with me until she needs round-the-clock medical attention. Then, hell, I don’t know. Nursing homes, especially snake-pit-like Alzheimer’s care facilities, are horrendous at best.

At least I have Power of Attorney so I can keep her money matters straightened out.

God, I hope I have a massive aneurysm blowout or a pachyderm-sized infarction when my time comes.

24

My father died 3 weeks ago and my mother’s living arrangments are in question right now. I think she would enjoy (and we wouldn’t mind) her living with us. We predicted this situation a couple years ago when we bought this house. We have 2 bedrooms one one side and another bedroom on the exact opposite side.

I’m not sure of the proper timing. Sisters feel that my Ma would be better off to live on her own. I don’t see the benefit to that. They feel some alone time will help w/ the grieving process and I don’t see the connection. If she’s uncomfortable living alone, time is not likely to solve that. She’s a shut in and relies on others for travel, shopping, etc.

My mother lives in an apartment, she likes the apartment well enough, but she has a slumlord and she does not feel safe w/ the neighborhood (many people of color). At her age it’s not character building to live w/ these issues. Nobody benefits w/ her being alone. I stop in to her place every other day and my sisters visit every other weekend.

Ma and I have talked about it in the abstract and my wife and I have debated at length. There would be growing pains, but I don’t think it would be a issue. My sisters would be pissed (and I think jealous that I have the ability to take her in and they couldn’t). So right now, I’ll probably hold off until the fall and then pursue it more.

25

When my mother died earlier this year Dad was pretty sure from the moment it happened he didn’t want to live alone, but we told him not to rush into anything, to take a few weeks to decide what he really wanted to do. We mentioned alternatives, but let him decide.

Two months later he had moved in with my sister (as we all hoped he would) but we let him make the decision, and gave him some time. If your mother’s current situation isn’t a hazard to her I’d say do the same for her, with some encouragement as to how a different arrangement would be better. Everyone mourns in their own way at their own pace, and 3 weeks past the death of her husband may be a little soon to make that much of a change. Let her know she has options, but reassure her she doesn’t have to decide that very moment.

26

I worry about this. My relationship with my parents has deteriorated over the last few years, and I am currently unwilling to help out a lot (yes, I know how that sounds). I don’t know if they have made long-term care plans (probably have), but they own the house they live in outright, plus they rent out the house I grew up in and could sell it if worse came to worst, I suppose. At the height of the boom they could have gotten over a million dollars for it (and fucking should have, frankly), now it might bring $650,000 as is.

My brother will be in no position to assist financially, although he might be able to help out physically (except that his line of work can involve long stretches overseas).

When we were faced with a health crisis with our youngest son, and realized that we could lose everything because of the high costs, my parents chose to stay out of it. No financial help, no real help (helping me around the house, educating themselves about our child’s requirements so they could help, etc)- they were content to see my kids on the weekends after church, all fun and no burden.

It took me a while to realize what they had done, and longer still to get pissed about it, but it was a betrayal of the worst sort- their grandson’s needs were inconvenient, so they decided not to participate. We now have a very strained relationship, although the subject has never been hashed out (I understand that things will be said that cannot be undone, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that).

They may well find themselves on an ice floe… if I can find one…

27

I wish everybody could have the setup my grandparents do. He’s 97, she’s 92, and they’ve lived in the same house for 60 years. Three of their daughters live nearby (including 1 next door). They’re both with-it mentally, but my grandmother requires assistance, so it’s fortunate that the girls are around. And of course, they can keep an eye on my grandfather, who can take care of himself, but is officially scary-old.

My parents are young and healthy, and obviously have good genes, but when the time comes I hope they’ll be able to have a similar situation. I’m not a natural born caretaker like my sister, but I see how happy my grandparents are, especially compared to some acquaintances I’ve seen languish in nursing homes, and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure they get the same sort of treatment.

28

My mother passed about a year and a half ago. She had probable Alzheimer’s, but before she was diagnosed she was adamant that she remain in her house – no assisted living, no NH, nothing (she used to say that if she ever had to go to a NH, she’d kill herself first). She was diagnosed right after my husband and I married. Her doctor declared she could no longer live alone, so we shelved plans to move into our own place in another state and moved in with her. My husband was laid off a couple of months afterward. Since I had the longstanding job and held our health insurance, it didn’t make sense for me to quit so I could take care of her, so my husband stepped up to the plate. He remained her primary caretaker for the next couple of years.

We had to place her in a NH when she could no longer walk. She was also at the point, dementia-wise, where she was forgetting how to speak/understand/see. It still haunts me that I placed her because deep down I knew she didn’t want it, but, logistically, we could no longer keep her at home.

29

My dad has died, and my mom is still very active at 75, plus I have 4 sibs, so unless she someday requires care that is beyond any of our abilities, she’ll live with on of us. Probably not me, only because I live away from the rest, hence away from her church and her friends. But I would take her in before having her consigned to a nursing home if that was the choice.

My inlaws are in their late 80s. Although my husband has 2 brothers, neither has the means to support or care for their parents. We have enough space and enough income that even if FIL’s pension disappears, we could care for them. Whether they’d move here is another story. But they’re still self-sufficient, so time will tell.

I’m not sure what the breaking point would be - certainly if either required round-the-clock nursing care, we couldn’t handle that. I do know that whatever happens, it’s likely to be an agonizing decision. Would that we all could just pass peacefully in our sleep before we become helpless…

30

My mom is 89, still drives, travels abroad at least once a year, and lives alone without any problems. Until this year, she took no medication at all. Oh, and she recently informed me she has a new boyfriend.

I don’t think about it much.

31

I know this isn’t the point of the thread, and you have my absolute admiration for keeping the family running with everything you are having to cope with, but you must must must do something about this.

If all these people are depending on you, then your health needs to be a priority. You must pay for that insulin one way or another. What happens to mother and grandmother if you get hospitalized? What about your husband and daughter?

Please please find a way to pay for that insulin. My husband is insulin dependent diabetic and your post really frightened me. You know that watching what you eat won’t cut it; you wouldn’t be on the shots otherwise. Even if you feel fine now, you could be in serious danger in the long run.

32

My parents had me late in life, so I thought I would be dealing with it sooner than most people. But my dad died suddenly when I was 22, and my mom’s oldest child (from a previous marriage), put her in a nursing home, (in another county) as soon as she started talking about moving back to the town he lives in. :rolleyes:

My MIL always said she wanted to go to a nursing home, if she was unable to care for herself. So her three sons never gave it much thought. We all thought that by the time that happened, her husband would already be gone since he has major health problems.

Now, she is bedridden and her mind is completely gone with Dementia. And she’s still at home. Her husband is trying to take care of her on his own. He throws a fit if anyone mentions a nursing home.

33

How many children are there? Who lives closest to her? If you’re the only one or the closest one–start thinking.

If not, just let the others handle it.

34

I’ll come in supporting the nursing home side since it feels like there are a lot of strong “take care of them at home” sentiments being expressed. My family - on both my mom’s and dad’s sides - have never been the type to have the parents move in. My grandmother (Dad’s mom) put her father in a nursing home when he became frail, and that set the tone for that side of the family. And yes, he felt that she had “put him there.”

Mom’s father had to make the agonizing decision to institutionalize her mother in the '60s when Mom was just a teen because she (Mom’s mom) had MS and Grandpa couldn’t take care of her, two kids, and hold down a job all at the same time. He got a lot of grief from folks in his small town about that. I think it’s really unfair to judge people’s situations without knowing the whole story.

My parents, wanting to avoid putting me through those decisions, moved to a three-tier retirement community 3 years ago, when both of them were in their 60s and very healthy. They have their own cottage now, but when they need more assistance in the future, there is assisted living and eventually full-time nursing home care or memory care. My grandmother moved there with them and is in the memory care facility. She receives far better care from professionals than my parents could give her, but they are on the same campus and visit her often.

Communities, like the one my parents live in, are wonderful. Mom and Dad are having the time of their lives. We keep joking that it’s like college without homework: they live with their friends; there’s always someone around to hang out with; there’s always stuff going on; and there’s a dining hall! With good food. Plus, they don’t have to mow the lawn or shovel the sidewalk. There’s a nurse on site at all times if they were to need help. There are buses/shuttles to the store and various churches and so on. And then when they need more help, it’s right there and they don’t have to move away from their friends.

It’s good to make decisions like that early when you’re making the decision to go there because it’ll be better for you and not force your kids to make a decision for you. Plus, if you move in to a place like that when you’re still able to get out and meet people, you do make friends and have a community established by the time something happens.

It’s not the answer for everyone, but there are options for families that don’t want to/can’t live together for whatever reason.

35

When my ps were in their mid-70s, they moved out of the NW side bungalow my dad had lived in for 70 years, to an assisted living apartment. Residents had to be independent. The bungalow was too much for them to take care of, and too far for us kids to do all the care.

My dad had had a stroke 12 years earlier, and had a number of non-terminal heart problems. Mom had breast cancer. I suspect she pushed for the move because she knew she was worse than she let on. She died in her sleep maybe 2 months after they moved, and dad died in his sleep a month later. While it was a rough couple of months, in the years since I often realize how incredibly easier it was to have them pass in that manner, than to experience the prolonged wasting I hear from so many.

Myself, while i wouldn’t at all mind living with my kids some day down the line - provided I am still somewhat physically and mentally intact, I hope I die before any of my kids has to bathe me or wipe my ass.

36

More of a GQ, but. . .

Any idea what people did in the old-timey days (oh, say up to the 1940s or 1950s) when elderly folks started losing their faculties? Were nursing homes, as we currently know them, commonplace, or did they just stay with family?

37

Because of a job change, my SO and I moved/bought a new house last year. While we were discussing what kind of house we wanted, we planned in the fact that my parents are now in their 70s, and while they can still live on their own, that will probably slowly change over the next 10-15 years.

So we bought a house that is about 50% larger then we need, but has the space and set up to allow us to remodel and create an apartment, with it’s own ground floor entrance. The expection is that over the next few years, my parents will start spending longer and longer times with us, with their own place yet inside our house so we can help out. A side benefit is, when one of them reaches the point that they need more care then we can give at home, my SO and I live in an area that has lots and lots of options for additional care, very close by.

38

Same here. My parents did not plan well for the future and now are probably close to broke. They sold their home (which would have been paid off had they bothered to refinance) to move closer to my sister and act as underpaid daycare for sis’s child. They have made numerous bad financial decisions in the past.

Their health is not good but our relationship is such that when my dad was hospitalized earlier this year, no one bothered to let me know.

My mother has mental health issues as well that make it very difficult for me to deal with her, and now that they live basically down the block from my sister, who is playing up the “you don’t love them since you moved So Far Away (800 miles) and Never Come Home (because they are all crazy and I can NOT handle that)” – let her be the martyr.

39

I can drive myself crazy thinking about this. I live in a different country than my parents, and I’ve tried to sort out the legal question of whether they COULD come to live with me if they wanted to (they’d be welcome, we’d adjust). All I’ve gotten out of it is a headache. :frowning:

The sibling who lives closest to them has a full plate already, and might not have the temperament to deal with it anyway (flodnak says diplomatically). The third sibling lives in a different state.

They’re in their mid-seventies. At the moment, Dad has a bad heart but is dealing with the heart-patient lifestyle fairly well. Mom has had a knee replacement and is back to nearly normal mobility. But I’m very aware that at their age each of them may be one bad fall away from a nursing home. Dad especially worries me, he’s never lived on his own and is happy to joke that he really doesn’t know how to keep a house running without Mom. If Mom dies first he’s got problems. Unfortunately I believe his way of dealing with the situation is to assume that of course he will die first :smack:

40

First of all, lifespans were not as long back then. People who got cancer, or had heart attacks or strokes were much less likely to live a long time after the fact. Medical technology has done a good job of keeping our bodies alive longer, but there’s not much that can be done at this point once the mental faculties deteriorate.

Back then women were much more likely to be housewives, too, so if Mom or Dad did need care, the daughters or daughter-in-laws were available to do it.

I do remember there being a ‘rest home’ that was down the street from where my grandmother lived (this was in the '60s and '70s), which would have been similar to what we call assisted living today. She would joke about being a resident some day - though in actual fact when she did spiral down into dementia she ended up in a nursing home near where my aunt lived. She actually enjoyed it - she could afford to go to a nice place and she enjoyed having other people her age around. She’d lived in a rural area and she got lonely and depressed after her two best friends died.