Share your stories about caring for elderly parents.

In My Humble Opinion
1

No hypothetical ethical dilemmas today, children, nor even a poll; just a real-life situation and call for advice.

Last week, my eldest niece had to save my father from burning his house down with himself in it. Dad has the odd habit of drying cookware by placing it on the stove and turning on the burner beneath; my sisters and I have tried to dissuade him several times, but his stubbornness has defeated us. Thursday he did it again, left a towel far too close to the stove, and nodded off. My niece’s fortunate arrival and quick action prevented any major damage and saved you guys from a “My father just died in in a house fire he set himself” thread.

Anyway … this event necessitated a family meeting among my siblings & siblings-in-law, my two cousins who call my father “Daddy,” our adult children, and of course me. Several courses of action were mooted. My sister-in-law wants Dad to move from Memphis to to New York and live with her and my brother. This seems the wisest course for me, as they have a huge house, tons of money, no children, and she’s wanted him to live with them for years anyway. But Dad resists it because he doesn’t like the idea of living that far north, and also because he doesn’t want to give up his house. For similar reasons he resists moving in with any of his children who live in the city. One of my sisters has suggests that my wife, our child, and I give up our apartment to move in with Dad, which I oppose so strongly there are no words in English or Italian adequate to express my vehemence. To be clear, I’m willing for Dad to live with us (though I think it would be quite difficult); I’m just not willing to live in his house with him.

My baby sister, demonstrably the smartest Rhymer of the bunch, has the best suggestion. Not counting the grandkids, there are ten of us who call Simon Rhymer Daddy; between us we can easily afford to hire help for Dad–possibly even live-in-help. We’re investigating that possibility.

I’d like to hear about any experiences you folks you have in this area. Grazie.

2

Is that something your Dad would be OK with? Some folks really don’t like having caretakers who aren’t family, or they’ll deny they need help.

I got home help for my elderly parents for awhile, until they were too frail to really stay at home any more (getting them to the doctor, for example, became a huge ordeal). My mother always referred to the aide as ‘the cleaning lady’ and I let her believe that’s exactly who she was, since Mom was in denial of the need for anything else.

3

It is a tough situation, for sure. My father was living on his own in a rented house in one of those Del Webb retirement communities. He wanted to be in the “active adult community”, only, he was not so active, and did not partake in the golf, swimming, or community activities there. He basically just lived alone in a house surrounded by other retirees, and it was something he could afford. He did not even use half of the house, or the yard.

One day, his doctor told him that since he was becoming more frail, he should not live on his own any more, and should move to one of those assisted living communities, where he could access additional help, if needed, and get a couple of meals a day provided, and additional companionship, etc. He agreed it would be better for him, and we set a timeframe for this move to occur - about 3 months. He was actually relieved that he would not have to care for such a big area anymore, and would not have to drive as much. He sold or got rid of a lot of the bulky items that he had accumulated over his lifetime, such as the dining room set, breakfront, and other furniture and general “stuff”. We were able to move him from the house to a one-bedroom assisted living apartment with one medium U-haul.

At the assisted living community, he got lunch and dinner provided at a restaurant-like cafeteria, and got to mingle with other oldsters a lot more than before. He also could access additional care on-site, if needed, and they had a shuttle van to take them anywhere they wanted (even though he still was driving his own car). Not a bad-set-up.

If your dad is willing to think about leaving his own house, it would open up a variety of other options for him (and you, and family), and a lot of them may help him improve his standard of living and increase safety and security for him. Assisted living arrangement are not cheap, but in my dad’s case it was best for him at that stage. Maybe there is one of these places nearby where he is living now so he would not have to move too far. Maybe you can work with his doctor to explore what would be best - in my dad’s case, hearing it from his doctor seemed to be more effective than me suggesting it.

4

Last year, my mom retired early in order to move back in with my grandparents and take care of them full time. My grandfather had a stroke a few years ago and still has problems with mobility and memory. My grandmother’s kidneys are failing and needs to be kept on a strict potassium-free diet to avoid having daily dialysis. She’s also, and I believe this is the technical term, bat shit crazy and MEAN. Neither of them are the people I knew growing up; their old personalities are completely gone. Both of my grandparents are in bad shape, but in good enough shape that they can stay in their own home as long as they have daily help. They may live a decade or more or may die tomorrow.

My mom is miserable, truly miserable. She has no professional medical training, so she’s struggling to do what’s best but is constantly stymied by her own lack of knowledge. She was not prepared for the depth of care my grandparents need and really did not realize that she was giving up every piece of freedom she had. It’s taking a toll on her emotionally – she cries at the drop of a hat now, something I never saw from her before. She doesn’t like her parents at all any more. She stays with them from out of a sense of duty. She struggles to hold on to any happy memories she has of them.

Witnessing the whole experience has made me decide that, when and if the time comes, I am doing whatever it takes to have a professional caregiver stay with my mom. I will visit her and talk to her and continue to support her, but I can’t risk going through the hell she’s living now.

What a downer this post was. I’m going to call my mom now and let her vent at me.

5

Does your dad have health insurance? Medicare? Most policies cover a once-a-year (if not more) visit by a Medical Social Worker who can sit down with Dad and any willing family members and tell you about local resources and options. If not, scrape up the $150 to pay for it yourselves.

Life Alert type medical alarms, Adult Day Care, Homemakers from Senior Services, Meals on Wheels…there are options between “let him burn the house down” and “force everyone to be miserable with a move.” Medical Social Workers are the ones who know this stuff best.

His doctor’s office can hook you up with a referral, or call the Department of Aging in his city/county.

6

Let him decide, it’s his life. He’s lucky to have so many concerned people that are willing to help out, but even the best of intentions can easily go awry.

7

So there was dad, sitting on the cat.

He looked up at me and said, “Who the hell are you?” I replied, “I’m your son.”

“No, you’re not. This is my son” he spat out, as he stood up and held out the cat.

8

Dad suddenly came up behind me, and started pounding on my back.

I turned around and hugged him to me. After a minute or so he calmed down.

9

When Dad started fading fast, I placed him in the hospital. The hospital’s social worked kept calling to insist that I place him in a long-term care home. There must have been some confusion at the hosptial, for a few days later, Dad died with someone else’s dentures in his mouth.

10

Dad took care of Mom. It was hard to keep up with her, for she was flown about the province for treatment so frequently that often I would be on the road heading in one direction to visit her, while she was flying in the other direction. 80,000 km on my car in her final year. We cherished every moment we had together that year.

11

I’m looking down the barrel of this situation. I’ve got a roommate. Good friend, known him for decades. He lost his job, and hasn’t been able to pay me a cent for rent for the last six years. Okay, fine: no rent. But now, he’s sick, and getting feeble and weak. He can’t carry a load of laundry down to the laundry room. He fell once, and couldn’t get up.

What do I do? He’s got no place to go. No benefits. (He was turned down for welfare and for disability.) If I kick him out, he damn well dies on the sidewalk. But I don’t want to be his caretaker. I don’t want to do his goddamn laundry.

(When he was able-bodied, and living rent-free, I asked him if he’d do my laundry, just as a substitute for paying rent. He refused. Okay, then…)

Who the hell do I even talk to? Someone said to call a social worker. What is that, anyway? I mean, do you just Google “Social Workers” and someone pops up?

When do I talk to a lawyer?

12

Why not talk to a homeless charity? Surely there are things that can be done for people who are made homeless through no fault of their own, even in the United States?

13

We bought a house that would have allowed for one parent to move in with us if we needed to. Ultimately we didn’t need for that to happen. My parents decided to sell the house (a few years too late) and moved into a duplex. My dad had a mini stroke and minor car accident and decided to stop driving. He passed away at the duplex about four years later. I did weekly shopping and weekend chores. My aunt took care of the doctor’s appointments.

About after 8 months my mother decided that living on her own was too difficult and her doctor admitted to the hospital and then Medicare and supplemental insurance paid for her to be in a rehab facility. Medicare had just run out and she was preparing to go into an assisted living facility or a nursing home when she passed away.

What did I learn? Supplemental insurance is very good and my parents were kind enough to be realistic and weren’t too mentally unaware to be unhelpful in their care. If they would have had serious mental issues, then family would have been a serious, ugly issue. All in all, three years after the fact everything worked out as well as I could have hoped.

14

We’re sort of in this boat right now. My in-laws are in their 70s and broke, and they live 1000 miles away from the nearest family member. They are managing, physically, though they do have some health issues.

And they’re being stubborn about their living situation as well. I think they’re thinking that they’ll just show up at my sister-in-law’s house and say “surprise! we’re moving in!”.

We’re trying to figure out whether the family can afford to chip in enough to cover rent for them somewhere there (they love living down there, and sister-in-law’s basement is not a healthy option).

15

Your father has lived in Memphis for all your life (and perhaps all of his), right?

While, from a logistical standpoint, the move to New York makes a lot of sense, it isolates him from everyone else. People who are strangers to him. Strange ways. No friends. No places he likes to go. New doctors. New church (if that’s an issue). In short, tons of drawbacks that make it a second choice if even that.

Keeping him local (with more family around) one way or another sounds like a MUCH better option.

We’re looking at a similar situation with my in-laws (as noted earlier, they’re debating moving in with my sister-in-law). Economically of course it’s the most affordable - and has the advantage of being an area where they used to live. But they’re MUCH happier in Florida.

16

You should probably start a new thread for this.

Does he have a doctor? If he needs a caretaker, they can refer him to a nursing home.

17

If he falls and can’t get up, you call an ambulance, let them take him to the ER, and let the hospital social worker find him more appropriate living arrangements. If he can’t make it down the stairs with a basket of laundry, then he needs to re-apply for disability and Medicare/aid and then get a disability lawyer to appeal it when he’s denied. The disability lawyer won’t take money up front, he gets paid when the back payment for disability is paid, and if it is denied on appeal, he doesn’t get paid at all.

Depending on his age, there may be senior services for him as well. And yes, again with the social worker. Easiest way to find one is to ask his doctor (if he has a doctor) or find a pretense to get him into the hospital. If he’s not quite that sick, google your local hospital and call their social work department, or even the main number and ask to speak to social work.

For example: Social Work Services - UChicago Medicine
More information on what social workers do, courtesy of the VA: National Social Work Program - VHA Social Work

18

A very good point. When it became apparent that our Dad was no longer capable of looking after himself in his own house, my Sister and I dealt with this very question: do we move Dad 2000 miles across the country so he can live near us (Sis and I live in Alberta; Dad lives in Toronto); or do we see what can be done for him in Toronto, where his physician is familiar, where he has other family (though they are cousins, not as close as Sis and I, but still familiar), and where Dad is regularly visited by friends from his church, who keep him up-to-date on church happenings. The newspapers are familiar (Dad is blind, but caregivers read them to him), and the radio stations are familiar.

In the end, Sis and I decided to leave Dad in a care facility in Toronto, because so much there was familiar to him. Moving to Alberta would put him where everything was unfamiliar: not church, not newspapers, not radio. And of course, we can regularly keep in touch by phone, and visit when we can (for example, I’m back in Toronto three to four times a year and a “Dad visit” or two is always included, depending on my time in town). It turned out to be best to allow Dad to live in the city where he always has.

It may not necessarily be the best in your situation, but the effect that moving your elderly father might have is certainly something to consider in your decision.

19

Nah, I was basically just “sharing my story.” I wasn’t really asking for advice.

That’s likely what it will come to.

20

My and my husband’s parents are deceased but we did take care of my younger brother for a couple years until he died at age 55. We moved him down here to FL, states away from our hometown, and I regret that even though he was completely unable to care for himself. He missed (divorced) family and friends and familiar activities so much. I heartily agree with Mama Zappa’s advice to let him stay in familiar surroundings, for as long as possible.

There are many places to call for information and help. You could start with his doctor (who you may later need a letter of “recommendation” from,) then there’s Elder Care, Department of Family and Children, United Way, the VA, a Socicial Worker, Social Security, nursing homes—anybody who deals with these issues everyday.

These kinds of threads are where I share something I finally learned after two or three different life-changing experiences: Never make a life decision for yourself based on someone else’s needs. I’m so glad we were there for my brother and I cherish the time we had before he died, but I was eventually like the mother in an above post; overwhelmed physically and mentally. Our family paid for the strain and I think, too, he would have been better off “at home” with professional help. Love doesn’t have to mean sacrifice. Sometimes it means taking charge and doing the harder, better thing.