Should I move in with my father?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ll try to make the complicated back story as short as possible:

I’m turning 26 in a couple weeks and work to support myself, but don’t make very much money. I did just get a new job with good earning potential and would like to move up within the company which will put me in a much more financially secure position. I would also like to move to a new apartment/house, with at least two bedrooms, within the year. I’ll need a room mate or two in order to afford that.

My dad had a very large brain aneurysm burst, in 2001. He lost about 1/3 of his physical brain but has had a ‘miraculous’ (in the words of his doctors and therapists) recovery and rehabilitation. These days he is fairly healthy for his age and doesn’t even need to walk with a cane anymore. He does need to stay on seizure medication, and he takes anti-depressants. His personality and his long-term memories are thankfully intact. His primary problem is his executive function. He looks normal and seems rational, but he makes very bad decisions and can’t manage money. Just totally lacking in common sense and has little idea of the consequences of his actions. His short-term memory and ability to be ‘present’ is also poor. He spends all day doing very little. He’s also quite depressed. He’s obsessed with going back to work in the same capacity he used to, but I doubt he will ever be capable. He has pretty much zero support system at this time.

My mom, dad, and two younger sisters moved about a 6-hour drive away from me in 2005. I’ve had little contact with them since, except when my father and sisters have visited me. I have few fond feelings for my mother who was rather cold and abusive. Neither of my sisters seem to like her much either. We all left home as soon as it was legal. It makes me very anxious (I have a history of anxiety and depression that are basically symptomless now, unless I’m around my mom) to be in her presence even though we haven’t fought in years. She and my dad (formerly in a basically happy marriage of 25 years) have had a bad relationship ever since he came home from brain-injury rehab. She appears to resent him, even hate him. She treats him with utter disrespect, and constantly provokes him, then acts like he’s a monster for losing his temper. She is very close with her mother and her sisters, some of whom live in the same town, none of whom (IMO) are very nice people, and all of whom are also mean to my dad (and my sisters). According to my sisters, my aunts will outright lie about things in order to make my father look bad. I hate being involved in all this petty, backstabbing bullshit and I don’t know whose side of the story to trust. I could cheerfully never speak to or hear about most of my extended family ever again.

My mom kicked my dad out about 4 years ago, and he really struggled on his own. During that time he became the host of several parasitic, dysfunctional drunks and drug addicts (one in particular was the worst) who he considers his ‘friends’. They took over every apartment he found and got him evicted several times. About two years ago he won a settlement against his disability insurance to the tune of $60,000 - all of the money was gone within a year, mostly on booze and cigarettes for these ‘friends’ (weirdly, my dad doesn’t really drink himself). Last year my mom finally felt bad enough about his situation that she had him move back in with her. She charges him $700 per month and basically doesn’t let him out of the basement of her house, lol/sob.

I’ve been wracked by guilt this entire time about the situation my dad is trapped in. My dad is a sweet, loving person who was a good parent and feels desperately guilty himself, to this day, that he can’t provide for his family. He and I get along very well, always have, and as I couch my advice and criticism to him with love and respect (and he’s always thought I was a genius and the best thing since sliced bread) he is very receptive to almost everything I say to him. We’ve had a few discussions about what I would consider house rules, and I’m reasonably confident I could manage his issues and maintain good boundaries (no homeless alcoholics will be permitted in my house, thank you) while not sacrificing my sanity.

I am considering having him move in with me. I’ve been considering it for a long time, but things just never look up for my dad and I can’t put it off anymore. My mom has said before that she would help him make the move up here. He has a decent monthly SSI income which provides for all his needs even with the higher rent he’s used to (if he moved here we should be able to get a two-bedroom for under $1000), but he always struggles with budgeting. I know I would have to do some care-taking, and there would be rules and lots of communication, but he’s hardly that high-maintenance compared to the people I know who are taking care of relatives with Altzheimer’s or terminal cancer.

So, open question to the Dope. Should I do this? All feedback is welcome.

2

I have never seen adult family members living together work out favorably.

(Bolding mine) You may have a difficult time enforcing rules with your father, I know I would with mine. It’s a different dynamic than I assume you are used to. If you are only “reasonably confident” that you can do it, you may want to reconsider. Also, going back to living apart, if you should have to, seems like it will be extremely difficult in your case.

I had to live with my family-in-law for a short time while looking for a home in their area. I think it really affected our relationship negatively.

3

If you could secure his power of att’y, and with his agreement take over his finances, giving him an allowance of spending money to make sure that his portion of the rent, utilities and food is paid, why not. Think of it as he took care of you while you were a child, in return you take care of him when he is childlike. It may save him from a fate like that guy who let some junkie move in with him and the guy murdered him. [sorry can’t remember the guys name, I read it over on crime library a couple years ago.]

4

And I’ve seen it work out fine.

If you think you can make a go of it living with your dad, then go do it. It would be a kindness to him. I lived with my folks while taking care of my muscular dystrophy ridden dad, and I think he lived a lot longer and happier than if I had just said “screw this” and dumped my dad in a nursing home. Now I live with my 85 year old mom. We get along quite well, and I don’t have to worry about her falling and having nobody to get help for her.

If you think he’s going to bring home unsavory friends though, you might want to think twice.

5

I know many people who live with or care for older relatives, and it’s usually okay. I also know a hell of a lot of miserable families who can’t get along (see: most of mine). I’m a laid-back person with a core of steel, and I’m generally really good at getting along with people and resolving conflicts. I’m also good at putting my foot down and refusing to be an enabler or buy into drama. And I have an excellent non-family support system; my boyfriend, his family, and lots of close friends. So, if I am not happy living with dad, I don’t think I am going to be stuck in misery, even though I don’t have much money (which might change in the next year after all).

There’s so little I can do to predict how this decision would work out for me and my dad in the long run, so keep the advice and personal anecdotes coming.

The unsavory friends are the biggest issue for me. Plus; he will be moving a 6 hour drive away from the existing ones, and he has some very savory friends remaining in this area. Minus; no judgement and extreme loyalty to any person to whom he’s formed an attachment. He’s going to have to agree to trust my judgment and be the most loyal to me.

The power of attorney idea would ideal. I’d just have to finagle it without my mom being a huge bitch and causing my dad to reject the idea out of pride/anger/stubbornness.

6

My instinct is to say give it a try. Your mom might be relieved to get him off her hands, and you might find with someone at home who actually actively cares for him, he stops or minimises his attachment to “unsuitable” people, because his needs for emotional validation are being met.

You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on straight, and won’t take shit just because he’s your daddy.

7

Only one caution I think of -

Will you be able to care for him alone if he has another medical event and becomes more debilitated? Not all the way to a vegetative state, but somewhere in-between where he is now and that?

It could happen, and you need to make sure you can immediately restructure your life to provide that kind of caretaking, or make enough money for a home assistant of some kind.

8

No, definitely not. And almost no one else I know could afford that either. Caring for a severely disabled person at home is a huge time-suck and astronomically expensive.

10

reported

11

I think it’s wonderful that your father has a daughter willing to take care of him. I don’t know if I could be so generous and brave.

Things you may need to consider:

Is your father a sociable person? You mentioned those “friends”. He doesn’t need people like that in his life, hell no, but if he’s sociable, he’s going to need good, trustworthy people in his life, close to his age. Make sure he has access to some type of community. This will be good for your and his mental health. Another pair of eyes and hands is always a good thing.

What about you? Are you ready to trade your independence with care-taking, even if it’s minimal? I know one thing that would worry me if I had anyone living with me would be that loss of sweet freedom. Being able to come and go as I please. Wake up when I want. Watch what I want on TV. Be as loud or quiet as I want. You don’t mention your living situation now, so perhaps you’re already living with someone. Still, it’s something to think about. If you got roommates, you might eventually get to a place financially where you wouldn’t need them and you could fly solo. But you wouldn’t be able to put dad out so easily.

It’s wonderful that you want to do this and I think your dad would be a lucky man if he could count on you. But I do kinda feel for you, if you were to take on this. One great thing about being financially independent is having a place all to yourself for at least some period of time. You’re giving up something that many people your age take for granted.

12

Have you talked to him about how he would feel about you effectively being the “parent” in this situation?

Living with a family member might work out fine with one who has no problem following the “rules of the house”, but if you think he would be stubborn about wanting bringing in stray druggies or other behaviors you wont allow, it will cause resentment on both sides.

Before you make any decisions, I suggest that you clearly lay down ground rules and talk about what will and will not be accepted in your home. If your father shows any kind of hesitation during this conversation you may want to reconsider.

It would be sad if you ended up ruining your good relationship with your father by living with him. It’s not as if he is homeless right now.

13

I’ve sort of been in this situation and I think you should try. Just sit down and decide the rules together up front. In addition to what others mentioned, figure out things like - Is he going to be okay with you outright banning people from a home that’s going to be his, too? What will you do if he’s not? He might be very agreeable now, when it’s all in abstract, but it could be a different story when you’re telling him his new friend Tom can’t come by. How will you prevent him from getting out and finding a new group of leeches to hang out with while you’re off doing your own thing? How much are you willing to restructure the current life you have now, with your boyfriend, friends etc. to fit your father in and how long are you willing to do it?

14

Thank you monstro, that’s very kind to say.

Yes, he is a sociable person who loves to talk to people and make friends. I would consider it part of my ‘duties’ to foster him meeting the right friends and encouraging him to have more of a rewarding social life - he’s so distractable, and addicted to the internet, that he really doesn’t have much interaction most days now that he’s stuck in my mom’s basement (she does not welcome his friends either). I’m only a few miles away from where he used to live as well as from the rehabilitation center he went to after his injury, and his best friend from there who he is still in touch with and visits, lives about 20 minutes from me. So he has some framework for a healthy social group already in place.

I’m naturally a homebody, and I have two senior dogs and two cats, so I’m used to quite a bit of caretaking each day already. Right now my boyfriend lives next door to me and I spend a fair amount of time at his apartment, so it will be a big change in our relationship when I move. I’m not planning on going far though. I am living alone, but over the years I’ve had 4 different room mates in my 1-bedroom apartment, 3 friends and my younger sister (for 6 months, around a year, around a year, and 3 months) and in each case it went well considering we were living on top of each other. I think having the space of a bigger place, less rent to pay, and my own room I can shut the door to will be great.

Living with and caring for a parent is not what I would choose to do in ideal circumstances, but the alternative is living with guilt and regret as I watch him continue to be miserable, and the reality might be just fine for both of us. I do feel sorry for myself but that’s been the case since my dad had the hemorrhage when I was 15. His injury has been really shitty for everyone, most of all him, but there are no easy solutions.

15

Unless you wrote it and I missed it, I would only consider it if there was a plan in place in case things didn’t work out. Otherwise you could both feel trapped and resentful.

16

I agree - I think you need to have a plan ready if it doesn’t work out and that you should discuss it beforehand and not feel guilty if it falls through and isn’t the best thing for the two of you.

I do think that if it’s something you can deal with that it’s a wonderful thing to do. I’d do it for my dad, and trust me, living with my dad would drive me up a wall!

17

The one thing you need to remember about caregiving is it’s a one way road. You may be able to handle all their needs now, but the road only goes one way - downhill. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday soon his situation is going to deteriorate. What will you do then?

What will the rest of the family want then? Will you be prepared to fight it out with them? To have them meddling in? You need more than a Power of Att. for his money, you need one for his health care choices as well. Are you prepared that when the end comes, the rest of your nasty family may cut ties with you over the choices you are forced to make?

Are you prepared to forgo advancement on your job should your caregiving requirements increase/interfere? Do you have any kind of support system for yourself? Because you are going to need one!

What will you do if, within 6 months, he cannot be left alone at home? And how will you handle him inviting thieves and crackheads into your home?

It’s a wonderful thing to consider doing, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing, for you or him, now, or in the future.

18

I was thinking something similar - get him to give you power of attorney as a price of having him move in with you. Does he recognize, at all, that he’s been making bad decisions? Can you, with your mother’s support, get declared his guardian if he won’t give you the rights voluntarily?

I’d suggest you look into linking up with other adult caregivers in similar situation, for whatever support you can find. It would certainly be a challenging situation but might be very rewarding also.

19

So what back-up plans/precautions do you suggest in particular? A written contract with my mother that she will take on/assist with his care if I am unable to?

Power of attorney would make me feel much more confident (in that he wouldn’t become a financial burden I couldn’t afford, by overspending and not being able to afford rent etc), and I will discuss it with him ASAP. However, he seems to be getting better with his money lately - like I said, my mom is charging him $700 to let him live with her, and he has been coming through with it just fine. I am not sure he would qualify for guardianship, and I imagine he would find the legal process to try to prove him unfit insulting, plus I fear my mom wouldn’t be able to participate without being a total bitch and poisoning him against the idea. But I could look into it.

He often has an unrealistic view of his abilities - it’s only been in the last 5 years that he has been able to even start to grasp how profoundly the injury has changed him and his life, and it will be a lifelong process to come to terms with it, that’s true of most serious brain injuries - but at the same time, we’ve had some serious discussions about what’s gone down in the past few years and he admits he’s made a lot of mistakes and isn’t quite sure how it all happened. He’s always been stubborn and independent as hell, and he’s had such a combative and negative relationship with my mom and her sisters that he’s reluctant to admit to them that he’s ever in the wrong, or incapable.

He has enough money to live on his own, and did so for about 3 1/2 years across 4 apartments he found and moved to by himself, without major disasters except struggling to pay his bills and having a homeless drunk (who he enabled) often squatting in his home. He qualifies for various assisted living options since he’s both on disability and brain-injured, although he’s never taken advantage of those, and my mom never pursued that avenue either. So I’m thinking if it’s hopeless to have him with me, it wouldn’t be hard to find him a room or apartment nearby, where I could visit often and do damage control to the best of my ability. My family wasn’t doing anything like that when he was living on his own - he was totally left to his own devices.

If, god forbid, I’m unable to redirect his friend-making tendencies, and he persists in bringing thieving crack-heads into my home, and will not respect my wishes on the matter, he has to get the hell out. I can’t stand addicts and will not tolerate them in my personal space.

I would assume that if things work out day to day, I would be living with him for as long as I am able to care for him, depending on his health.

The chances of him becoming more seriously disabled, or ill, aren’t much more than any other person his age. He’s only 54 and in great general health except for some weakness in his left arm and leg, and the seizures. Which aren’t so bad either, but he does usually lose control of his body when he’s had them so he’s at risk of injury from falling. That’s why he’s on the meds full time now, even though without them he only has a few seizures per year. On the meds he has no seizures. He does have a technically increased chance of developing another brain aneurysm simply because he had one before, but according to his surgeons he is at much less risk than most people with aneurysm history, as his was most likely a congenital defect in that particular artery (it was in a completely different area of the brain than the vast majority of cerebral aneurysms, also fusiform and not sacculer which tend to be recurring). He also has zero risk factors for recurrence, like smoking, high blood pressure, diabetes, atherosclerosis, etc. They scan the arteries in his head every couple years just in case, so they will be able to proactively treat aneurysms that might become evident.

Additionally, his brain is still healing and forming new connections, and that should continue for quite a few more years. He gets a little better every year… it’s just been a very long process. 6 years ago, he was still so out of it we could barely have a conversation on the phone. These days he can have a quick, normal back-and-forth and sounds almost exactly like he did before the injury. Every year he gets a little more realistic about his situation… which means that every year he gets a little more depressed, because he’s basically screwed and living in a loveless environment with nothing and no one to help him lead a fulfilling life.

20

One thing if he moves in with you: the last bit would improve at least since a) you love him, and b) you would help him lead a happier life.
Are he and your mother still legally married? and so, does she have any input into his finances / control thereof?

I wonder if it would be possible, as a condition of his moving in with you, to have a formal legal agreement by which some portion of his disability funds get direct-deposited / auto-transferred to you, to pay rent and cover some of his other household expenses. Your mother or another sib might serve as overseer of that if that would make everyone feel better - by which I mean they’d have the power to audit the finances to be assured that you were spending it appropriately. I mean, you know you wouldn’t mistreat his funds, and probably your family does as well, but if there’s ever any formal legal oversight, I know there are some audits required (a friend who is guardian for her mother has to fill out legal stuff once a year).

21

Check out assisted living apartments where you live, if he qualifies. You’re being naive to believe if things go badly for him, or it doesn’t work out with you, you can just shunt him into one. There is often a waiting list, it takes some arranging.

If he is still that capable, consider this type of housing and, have him for dinner every night, spend weekends with him etc, leaving the daytime hours for them to watch over/supervise him. If he’s depressed about the reality of his life, living dependent (I know, but that’s how he’ll see it, most likely!), on his son, isn’t going to be a plus, but a minus.

The other advantage of assisted living is he’ll be around other people in his circumstance; alone, moderately disabled. He could make friends, see others in similar circumstances maintaining full happy lives, he might even meet a lady. This could all prove good for his depression issues.

Focus your energy, instead on helping to, perhaps, find a volunteer position that will give him some sense of self worth/accomplishment. There must be an animal shelter, or church or school that could find some tasks for him. Who knows? It might turn things around for him depression wise.

Finding out he hasn’t followed your instructions, on whom to have in, as guests, by discovering you’ve been robbed by a crack head would suck. Be firm and check up on him, if you have to.