My parents were older (when I was born, dad was 66, mom 42), so I faced a lot or things a generation or so ahead of people my age (I’m 45).
I don’t claim to be an expert, but many of the biggest headaches my two brothers and I faced dealt with health care financing and estate planning.
In a nutshell, state governments are trying to cover the increasing cost of health care for the elderly. To do this, they are getting more and more intrusive into families’ personal affairs. This was less true in 1980 when my father died, but we encountered it a lot with my mother.
Nursing care is not covered by Medicare, so if you wind up in a nursing home, you have to spend all your money until you’re eligible for Medicaid before you can get help with the costs.
My mother suffered for the last decade of her life from vascular dementia, which has symptoms similar to Alzheimer’s, but did not cause her physical health to deteriorate. So she was able to live in an assisted living facility, which is much cheaper than a nursing home. So the cost was supportable by her income, with some help from my brothers and me. Had she required nursing care, her small estate would have been eaten up in about a year.
My brothers and I are lucky in that we were all on our feet financially – had any of us been needing to inherit her house to live in, it would have been tough to see her forced to sell it off to pay for her nursing home bills. (And your parents can’t simply sell you the house for a dollar the day before they move into a nursing home – state Medicaid boards, in trying to cover the increasing costs, are mandating longer and longer periods prior to need when a patient is not allowed to dispose of assets without having it count in their net worth).
OTOH, the fact that no one in our families was at home full time (I’m single; both my brothers are married, but their wives worked outside the home) meant that once she had been declared infirm, we were forbidden by law from moving her in with us unless we provided round-the-clock care, which was beyond our means. I’m quoting West Virginia law here – your state may vary.
Advice I would offer families with aging parents:
See an estate planning lawyer while your parents are still alert and vital. A prerequisite of this is give your parents reason to trust you with their finances.
If you can afford long-term care insurance, get it. I don’t know much about the subject – it was a decade and a half ago that mom became infirm, and there weren’t many such insurances available then.
Discuss plans well in advance. My older brother lived in the same town as mom, so it made sense that he would take on a bigger share in her care. The fact that it wasn’t just dumped in his lap made it much easier for him to accept. (As a result, my other brother and I insisted, over the older brother’s objections, that he receive a bigger share of mom’s estate).
In the words of Dear Abby, you never really know someone until you split an estate with them. I feel very lucky that my mother’s hardships brought my brothers and I closer.
Spend time with your parents, picking their brains on family history and the like. Even in the grip of short-term memory loss, many people can recall the distant past with surprising clarity. Doing so may help slow their decline, and will provide you knowledge you will treasure for life.
PS: I wrote this earlier this morning, and just before I posted it, my network crashed. Apologies if others have made the same points as me.