My 84-yr-old mom and three of my sisters (S1, S2 and S3) live in the same city. I live 500 miles away. Last week, mom broke her wrist and is having surgery today. They’re keeping her in the hospital overnight, and I am driving up tomorrow to spend a few days taking care of her.
Mom broke her wrist on Thursday, and S1 took her to the ER. S1 spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday with Mom. On Sunday, she called S2 and S3 and said that she really needed to go home and spend a little time with her family and get some changes of clothes. Both of them grudingly agreed to come over for a few hours each. S2 got there in the early afternoon, and S3 got there late afternoon. After S3 had been there for 1 1/2 hours, she called S1 and said she had things to do and was leaving. S1 went back over to Mom’s and has been with her ever since. S1 will be taking Mom to the hospital today and taking her home tomorrow.
S2 and her husband have a small but very sucessful law practice- S2 scaled back to part-time a few years ago. S3 teaches high school. It is completely beyond my comprehension that the two of them are letting S1 do everything. She works full-time and is taking leave to spend all of this time with Mom.
To top it off, last night S2’s husband called me and said that S2 is “really stressed out” about Mom, and asked me and S1 not to ask her to help take case of her because he thinks it will be too difficult for S2. And we’re not supposed to tell S2 that he called us. However, I did get an e-mail from S2 last night asking me if I’d be able to shop and have lunch with her while I’m there. I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not a social visit and I’m going to be there to take care of Mom and to give S1 a break. So I get another phone call from S2’s husband this morning, bitching me out for making S2 feel guilty.
WTF is wrong with my sisters? Mom’s insurance covers home health care, so S1 (of course) has arranged for someone to come after I leave. However, Mom would obviously prefer to have family around instead of a stranger and I just don’t understand why S2 and S3 are just letting S1 do everything and are essentially ignoring my mom.
From what I can tell, what you describe is how it works in 90% of families.
My 93 year old grandmother lives here in town. My mother and one of my uncles live in the area.
One other sibling lives a few hours away, and is retired.
The other 3 siblings live across the country.
My mother does 99% of my grandmother’s care. The local uncle might come for a visit once a month or so. The few-hours-away sibling comes here maybe twice a year. She could come MUCH more, but won’t.
One of the across-the-country siblings comes up every 3-4 months, and stays for a couple weeks. This is a HUGE help for my mother.
Other than that… it’s my mother. I help out when I can, and I’m there for when my Mom is out of town, etc. She does have aids that come in and do all the heavy lifting and such, so that’s good.
Of course, all of them chime in when it comes to making decisions. “Oh no, she CAN’T go into a nursing home! WE can take care of her in her apartment!”
At this rate, I’m expecting my mother to pass away from stress before my grandmother does. It’s a horrible situation, but me and others have given it our best shot to try to make changes and nothing works.
I’m sorry about your mom and I hope she feels better soon and does not feel hurt that two of her daughters could not find time for her when she needed them.
Your S1 is an absolute gem. The world needs more people like her.
S2 and S3 sound very selfish and uncaring. Is there something more to their stories?
I hope your mum recovers well and that you can work together with S1 to take good care of her during this time. Give yourself both a big pat on the back!
My sympathies. And yes, its always like this sigh.
I’d love to be snarky and quote Dear Abby’s “where there’s a ‘Will’, there’s a way”, but S2 is a lawyer. Actually, should your Mom pass someday, expect S2 to sue/contest/dispute every single request/will/bequest, no matter what, to the point where you will get nothing but a bill from your attorney in agida-sauce.
Also, if there is something that you really want your mother to give you / leave to you that she can spare now, she should really give it to you NOW, because as inattentive as S2 and S3 are at the moment, once she passes…
…they’ll strip her home faster than army ants devouring a cow (and before the ink is dry on the death certificate).
Okay, this one got an extra WTF from me. He obviously thinks that you’re someone he gets to order around. I think you should just (politely) hang up on him next time. You’re not married to him, you don’t have to explain yourself to him.
The only thing I don’t understand is where S2’s husband gets off thinking he can call you and dictate how you interact with your own sister, and then call you again and bitch you out when you don’t comply.
S2 and S3 will make their own choices, obviously. Unfortunately, as others have said, it is not uncommon for the burden of caring for an elderly relative to fall disproportionally on one or two dedicated and caring people, while the others skate by because they can.
BUT the slackers are not entitled to your understanding or approval of their choices. S2 is “stressed”? Well, everybody is stressed in this sort of situation. If S2 (and S3) think home health and the two Good Sisters is sufficient care for Mom, then they need to own that and suck up the fact that others may disagree. I would tell BIL that S2 should feel guilty about leaving all the responsibility on S1 and you, and that if he or she doesnt’ like that opinion they sure as hell better not ask you what you think.
ETA: My sister and I are very close, and maybe you and yours are not, but if my BIL called to try to manage how I communicate with or treat my sister, I would be majorly pissed and I’d tell him to get stuffed. I’ve been dealing with her years longer than he has.
MY brother had the good luck to move to Atlanta decades ago, where he and his family are doing very well. I live here in the same city as my 80 year old mother who has yearly operations and is getting kind of feeble. So of course it’s me it all falls on. I always get phone calls from Atlanta though, in between their fabulous vacations - ‘how is she? how is she? how is mom doing?’
GREAT. Thanks for asking!
I don’t mind doing the work, really, except when I have to drive my 19 year old clunker 40 miles in a snowstorm. There’s no one else! But after mom goes, little brother is going to have to get his ass up here, settle the estate, arrange for selling the house, and pay up front for the funeral since I don’t work and Mr. Salinqmind said he isn’t paying one dime toward that old bitch’s funeral.
He can be useful that way.
There is truly no thanks for you and S1 doing what you can to (actively) love and care for your mother, other than the fact that she appreciates it. Sometimes, you have to continue to do the right thing, even when everyone around you is doing the wrong thing.
Unfortunately, it will only get worse, until your mother passes (may this be many, many years away) and then it will get REALLY bad. Do everything you can to let your mother know you love her, and S1 know how much you value her work.
In a lot of these situations you can look at how the mother treated each sibling differently and find an explanation. In my family, my mother allowed one of my sisters and my brother to act in a more selfish manner than my other sister and me. Guess what? As adults my older sister and my brother remained selfish and were less caring towards my mother.
S2 and S3 are pretty self-centered. There are a total of 6 of us (the other 2 live even farther away than I do), and S2 and # were the same way about my Dad when he was dying. It was 3 months from diagnosis to death, and for those 3 months S1 visited him literally every day. I drove up every weekend, and the 2 farther-aways managed to make it twice. S2 and 3 only saw him two or three times after his diagnosis “because it’s just so hard to see him like this”.
Both of them have a total unwillingness to suck it up and do things that they find to be slightly unpleasant. I don’ t think they were necesarrily treated differently than the rest of us as kids- S2 is # 3 out of 6, and S3 is the youngest.
And re: my brother-in-law’s annoying phone calls- that is the first time I’ve ever had a conversation with him that was even slightly unpleasant. The only thing that I can figure is that S2 is bitching to him about not wanting ot pitch in, and it’s the only way he can get her off his back. But that’s just speculation, I don’t know.
Re: “where there’s a will, there’s a way”- a few years ago, my mom got all of her jewelry together, put it into 6 different piles, took a photo of each pile, put one of our names on each photo, and gave the photos to her attorney to be attached to the will. She did the same with certain pieces of furniture. But S2 is th eexecutrix of her will, so who knows what could go on there.
All of the siblings are probably terrified of being “the one” who has to take care of mom at the end.
Of my dad’s 4 siblings, he was the one who had to deal with his father (my grandpa) towards the end of his life. Taking him to doctors, eventually having him move in with us, changing his diapers later on, and then dealing with nursing home stuff, and then dealing with his estate stuff after he died. Of course, once he was dead all of my uncles came out of the woodwork to try and claim they were cheated in the will, but that’s another thing.
Now, since I’m the youngest, like my dad was, I am absolutely terrified that my brother and sister will dump my dad/mom/parents on me when they get too old to handle themselves. Bro and sis all have good careers, I have basically nothing and spend most of my waking time resenting my parents and the inevitable burden they will be later on. (exaggeration)
If my dad got in an accident or something and needed looking after, my instinct would probably be to flee. If I was the one helping with everything, I would have nominated myself the caretaker, so when he needed more serious looking-after it would just be assumed that it’d be my problem.
So it could be possible that your sisters are competing for least-helpful so that they don’t get nominated as end-of-life caregivers.
The whole experience of having a parent in late stages of life can be stressful, I’ve gathered, so emotions and rationality are probably going to be in a state of flux for a while.
<puts on amazing prognostication hat>
S2 will highgrade any items of value out of the entire jewelry pile and keep them for herself, because “I’m sure that’s what Mom would have REALLY wanted.” S3 will keep any items of sentimental value to S1, even if she doesn’t really like or value them.
Or S2 will do the “Pictures? What pictures?” routine. Or a trash can will catch fire in her office, a police/fire report will be filed & it will be presented as evidence that those pics were files lost in a fire. Or, an appraiser will say ‘these are fakes, these are real’ to items to jack up her claims to the estate. Or fill in the scam.
Your mom needs to rethink who she chose to be her executrix.
S2, from your OP, appears to be a selfish bitch now (getting lessons/support from her ‘Selfish-Help Guru’ husband, no doubt), right in front of your mother’s eyes. Do you really think S2 will suddenly grow a halo (or ethics) after your mother is dead?
I’m a nurse who works with geriatric patients. Mostly it follows the 80/20 rule. 20 percent of the family does 80 percent of the caregiving. Give or take a bit percentage wise. Lots of guilt and blame and “you never/you always-es” to go around.
I’ve seen it in my own family, with my great grandmother and her 6 daughters. I was 9 or 10 and watched my grandmother and her sisters get into screaming matches. I remember that day as the day I realized that just because you’re “old” (50’s and 60’s) doesn’t mean you are a grown up around your siblings.
Sister 1 is a saint. Sisters 2 and 3 arent. It sucks, but in a way its simpler and easier for you and Sis 1 to just do what you can. An alternate that might shake some sense into them is to ask “ok if you can’t take the time for Mom, can you pay an agency to come in and sit with her so S1 gets a break?”
On re read I noticed that you’re mom’s insurance covers the extra paid caregiving. Bummer. Sometimes money talks, and its pathetic and sad and it sucks, but its true.
Unfortunately, that is what it will be in my family. I’m the youngest of 4 kids. I will not be there for the parents when they get old and feeble.
That’s what you get from treating most of your kids with patience and love, but single out one with hatred and cruelty. (ex: struggling in school? well you must have been switched at the hospital/ not my flesh and blood/ must be a idiot and will treat you like a mentally retarded child).
I am polite and respectful on the few occasions where i see them, otherwise i really do not care. I think of it as i’m the last resort if all other siblings really cannot be there.
katie1341 your sisters do sound selfish. Playing the victim by your sis whose husband called you is low. I’m sorry that you have to go through it in this fashion, and i hope the strenght you and your other sis show might inspire them to get their shit together, at least a little more is better than nothing at all.
I’m going thru something similar. Before my father died in May, sisters drove the 80 miles to visit, every 8, 10 maybe 12 weeks. Now, they are here every other week.
Problem is, the work I was doing for both parents, all of a sudden the sisters don’t want to bother me to do. Where were you the last few years of my life when neither of them could drive. I’m glad you want to help (and make up for lost time) but really. Guess who would have been holding the bag in Ma had passed first?
I know you didn’t like the old man (really who did) but at least I tried to do the right thing. They raised us and sent all three to college, the least I could do is help out the old folks when they need it.
It usually falls down to 1 or 2 people to take care of elderly relatives. My brother and I lived through our teens with our great-great grandmother. Our mother brought her coffee in the mornings and lunch while we were at school, and then went home to her boyfriend’s house. I did the cooking and cleaning, my brother did the heavy lifting (oxygen machine, tanks, wheelchairs, etc.). When I got married and moved out my brother dropped out of high school and took on full responsibility for our grandmother and the household duties. It was unfair, but my mother and I were not speaking and I didn’t want to make things more dramatic by butting in.
My grandma on my dad’s side was cared for nearly one hundred percent by my cousin, her adopted daughter (actual granddaughter). From the time my cousin was about 14 she did everything around the house plus caring for our grandma, plus working full time after she was 16. I always admired her, and while I lived a mile away and visited weekly, I always had the impression that my help would not be welcome, except on special occasions like Christmas dinner or decorating for Halloween. My cousin had been by our grandma’s side since she was born, and they had their ways set. I felt like an outsider. I was always ready to lend a hand if asked, but I tried not to interfere with their routine.
I am almost out of grandparents now. I have a grandfather in Florida and a step-grandma in California, and I’m not in a financial position to go visit either if they get sick. It sucks hard, but I’m sure my mother would make it out to Florida, and my step-father lives with grandma in California. Luckily they are both in sound health and grandma does much travelling; she’s going to be here in AL at the first of October! If my mother ever becomes an invalid she will have to depend on her boyfriend and my brother. She and I have never gotten along well, and the safest thing for us is the occasional phone call. Call me selfish, but my childhood was such that I don’t have it in me to look after her.
ETA: I’m not saying it’s ok for your sisters to be how they are, by the way. It’s just that sometimes, people have their reasons. Oh, and your BIL is a douche.