Tell me about your bitterly disappointing family

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I hope this is the proper forum for what may be a rant.

Please. Make me feel better. Or much worse. Or like a snivelling sissy. Tell me about your family that is the complete opposite of the Brady Bunch, the Cosbys, Brothers and Sisters, your own family in the real world that not only doesn’t measure up to ‘normal’ but has made you wonder ‘why me?’, The family that disappoints you, bitterly.

Here’s mine. I am now in charge of a 400 lb. mental case living (for now) in a group home. I have to take him to appointments, shopping, and clean up his filthy room so the place doesn’t kick him out. Been that way for 25 years. Up till now his 82 year old mommy did everything for him. She’s been an abusive old witch except to her poor precious baby. Treated him just like a big psychotic infant. Now she can hardly drive to the corner grocery. So I get to take HER around, clean her house, sit and listen to her yammer on about the neighbors and her aches and pains. We have three doctors appointments to go to a month, and at one of these I am fully expecting we will get some inevitable bad news.

Oh, there is another brother. Lives 2,000 miles away, rich, smart, gorgeous family, goes on vacations to his beach house with his many friends, goes to Europe, and from him I get an occasional phone call “so how’s it going? how’s it going?” and some morale support. Why did THIS brother move away 30 years ago and leave me with the two I’ve got?

Understand, I am bitter, frightened of the future, angry that this is falling in my lap, and sometimes I feel like getting in the car and driving off into the sunset. I am doing my best. I’m trying. I’ve always believed in only two principles as far as religion: do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and the law of karma.

I can’t help but feel slightly embarrassed, irritated, put out, and bitter. This is my retirement? My very own husband and daughter are mildly sympathetic and frankly don’t want to hear about it (they have problems of their own, not bad things, but they are self-centered).

It’s really hard to buy Hallmark greeting cards for mom and bro! I buy blank cards and write, happy___, love, Sali. I love them, in a way, they are ‘family’, but we have never been a happy family, or close, or shared much over the years. I gave up on them for a long, long time, they were unkind, unloving, and uncommunicative, especially when my father was still alive and they had him for support. Guilt on my part, need on theirs, drew us together again.

What else to do but suck it up, put a smile on my face, and keep on keepin’ on.

:frowning: Life is unfair. It could be much, much worse. I’m a whiner. I know. Still hurts. :frowning:

2

It is during these phone calls that you grow a back bone and tell the RICH brother that your life sucks because you are shouldering the responsibilities beyond your own family and that it is time he step up and help – financially or in person.

3

Have you told him what life with your mother and brother is like for you? Not hinted, or expected him to figure out. Some people, and particularly some men, don’t pick up on these things unless told straight out, in words.

I’m like that. I really am not trying to be oblivious, but I really don’t get these hints that other people get. Expecting someone like that to respond to hints is like expecting a deaf person to respond to sounds. It’s not something we do deliberately to get out of stuff, and it’s not something we can easily stop doing. If you’re telling him in these phone conversations that everything’s fine, and he is one of us who can’t pick up on hints, he may be taking what you say at face value.

Or he may not know much about taking care of someone like your mother or brother. You might need to educate him on what’s required, and what you would like him to do. Yes, he should take the initiative and do this himself. That doesn’t mean he will, and you can’t make him. You can, however, tell him what you need him to do, and then he won’t have the excuse that he didn’t know.

Do you have trouble delegating the care of your mother and brother, because you’re afraid it “won’t be done right”? Or do you micromanage anyone who does try to help? Or, when someone else does do something for your mother or brother, do you criticize them for what they didn’t do right, instead of thanking them? There are ways to do things that are not your way, but are still an acceptable way to do it. If you want help with these tasks, you’ll have to give up some control over how they’re done. If you want total control over how a task is done, you have to do it yourself. You can’t have someone else doing the work but you having all the control. It doesn’t work that way.

4

My family is slightly fucked up, but I love them dearly and they love me dearly. They’ve been there for me emotionally (mom, brother) and financially (mom). My parents are married, but dad is dead weight; he’s abusive and a prick in my mind. If my family were to horribly perish tomorrow and leave nobody but my dad, I wouldn’t stress myself taking care of him. I’d stick him in a home and walk away. I would do the bare minimum. I care for him, but I don’t love him, and I wouldn’t burden myself with his care. Conversely, if my mom or little brother or my partner were to fall sick, I’d make it my Life Responsibility to nurse them, back to health or into a peaceful end. I love them and they make me happy.

The truth is that you have to decide. Will you feel free if you leave them? If so, do it. You only get one life to live, and you don’t deserve to spend huge portions of it tending to other people you don’t love. You shouldn’t do things because you feel responsible. You should do things because once they were people that filled your heart with love and happiness.

5

If it makes you feel any better, I love my parents dearly but my father adopted a child in his first marriage that is going to be the death of us all yet. I’ve talked about him in other threads. He’s got to be nearly 50 but is driving my dad into an early grave worrying about his kids and paying for his whole life since he got fired a couple years ago. The guy is, I swear, an honest to god sociopath, and he uses the kids against my dad. I’d love to completely cut him off from my life, which is about all you can do about people like that, but for my dad’s sake I can’t quite. (Generally I try to limit my contact with him to Thanksgiving and Christmas, although I’m trying to be more involved with the kids.)

It’s just so awful and upsetting and frustrating and there’s not a damned thing I can do about it. I picked a huge fight with my boyfriend over nothing after we watched Dear Zachary because it was so upsetting for me to see another person like that in action.

6

Or her mother could be like my grandmother. Grandma didn’t want someone else helping her, she wanted FAMILY. The live-in help could be right there, asking if there’s anything she wants, and she’d say no and then call my aunt (who lived closest) asking her to come over and do something.

It sounds like you could use some respite, salinqmind. Respite is not too much to ask for. You deserve it.

7

This is where you have to determine whether your mother’s or brother’s requests are reasonable, and act accordingly. Just because they’re you’re family, or just because they’re disabled, doesn’t mean everything they want is reasonable. You shouldn’t be knocking yourself out to grant their unreasonable requests and desires.

Also, just because you’ve always done something one way, doesn’t mean you always have to do it that way. The way you’re doing things now is NOT working for you. That means something has to change. The only thing you can change is what you’re doing. That could include something that your mother or brother would notice, and it might even be a change that they don’t like. But it’s not their right to demand from you more than you have to give. Nobody gets a guarantee in life that they will always get their own way regardless of its effects on others.

8

Being a heartless bastard, I’d call the relatives, tell them that I’ve done my bit and am embarking on another life; he’s all yours.

9

Put together a list of the things that could easily be done by someone else -
Housecleaning & driving come to mind - get estimates and contact Social Services for assistance.
Ask your brother to contribute financially. He’s part of this family too and he may very well be happy to contribute. Tell him how ---- he’s not there and probably doesn’t understand the extent of the situation.
My family does this to a lesser extent with my brother. No one wanted to ask him for help - mostly because they thought it would be a financial hardship for him. I did too - until one day my SO asked ‘Why are you treating him like a child? He needs to contribute too!’ My brother was happy to write me a check!!

10

Let your brother fend for himself. If he can’t then let the state deal with him. As for your mother, I know it sounds cold, but she was always an “abusive old witch” you have no moral obligation to care for her, leave her to you’re other brother or the state.

11

Wait, why isn’t your daughter helping? They’re her family just as much as yours. It sounds like you’re giving your brother and daughter a get-out-of-jail-free card and taking on the entire burden because… because… I got nothin.’ Help me out here.

12

There are lots of people who do housecleaning for others for a living. See if any of your mom’s or brother’s neighbors can recommend somebody. You can find somebody to do the housecleaning no matter how bad the place gets. We have someone here on the Dope who does housecleaning and specializes in squalor issues. You might have to pay more in that case, but it’s not as if there’s no one who will do it. This might be a good thing for rich brother to do, since it requires no caregiving skill other than writing a check. I’m pretty sure he knows how to do that.

Nobody gets a guarantee that their life will not be affected by aging or disability, whether their own or somebody else’s. Aging and infirmity is one of the things Buddha had in mind when he said “all life involves suffering”. Get your daughter or your husband to help you with this, if you need to. Don’t think that they have some right to live unaffected by this that you don’t have.

If you’re thinking that your husband or your brother have a right to not get involved in this (or to be less involved than you are) because they are male, the 50’s called. They want their way of thinking back. The idea that women should do all the caregiving and housecleaning and men shouldn’t be bothered with such things went out with bell-bottoms. Drag them kicking and screaming into the 21st century, if you have to. Most decent men aren’t even willing to say that they should be exempt from these things because they are male, any more. They know that’s not fair, or right.

If you think “they have problems of their own”, well guess what? There’s a club for people like that. It’s called “everybody”. (They merged with the club for people who don’t always like their jobs)

13

salinqmind maybe it’s time for you to be self centred too. Your brother, husband and daughter won’t entertain these people, can you give yourself a break on it too? People don’t like to see their mums/wives/sisters being treated badly - maybe that’s why they don’t support you.

14

::waves::

PM me if you like, salinq. (Thanks, Anne.)

15

Hi salinq. You remind me a lot of my mother so I’m going to say to you what I have never said to my mom (except she’s only dealing with her mother, not a brother as well).

Her mother was a horrible bitch to her, and a shitty human being (I don’t call her “grandmother” very often). There’s a very long and involved backstory to this, and lots of reasons why I say this. Neglect, verbal abuse and physical abuse from when my mother was a small child until she moved out, and then simply emotional neglect from then on. Mom moved out at 18 (got married to escape actually). That is only a small part of why I dislike her so much, there’s a ton more…

Anyway. My mom still loves my grandmother. She takes her to doctor’s appointments and makes sure she gets out of the house - takes her to breakfasts and things like that. My dad is kind of disgusted by it, but he’s resigned (loves my mother to bits, that man). Do you think my grandmother is grateful? She whines peevishly the entire time and actively fights against doctor’s visits and generally makes an ass out of herself.

So here’s my reply to you. You may love them but you have your own life. Spending so much time caring for others who don’t appreciate it and may be awful human beings doesn’t help anything. They don’t like it, you get hurt and resentful, and nothing will ever change. They won’t change suddenly; the situation will continue like this and never, ever get better. It can’t.

And to my mom - you need to stop chasing after moonbeams. Your mother is terrible and is not going to just suddenly, under your love and care, turn into the mother you want. Just forget about reaching out, get a care service to do it, and concentrate your attentions on someone who will appreciate it.

The reason why I’ve never said this to my mom is because, heartbreaking though it is, she loves her mother too much to consider it and the suggestion might hurt her feelings, and I would never do that intentionally.

16

Thank you all for your comments! I have more to say about all this but don’t have the time right now. Just wanted to say the chance to vent and actually get advice or feedback is much appreciated.

17

I wish I had a magic wand I could wave that would make guilt trip bullshit vanish instantly. Then you could see clearly the manipulation. You get one life on this earth (supposedly) and you’re wasting yours on people who don’t care.

Give yourself a break - metaphorically, but also in a real, actual, physical sense - and tell your brother flat-out that he ought to contribute.

(Then listen to why he says “no.”)

18

I always have a hard time wrapping my head around this. If my family members were mean or abusive, if they were " unkind, unloving, and uncommunicative," I’d tell them to just fuck off. Nobody asks to be born, you don’t owe your parents or relatives just because you exist. If they provided a life of warmth and love then, yes, you should return the favor. If they didn’t, to hell with them. “Oh, but they don’t have anybody else,” you say. Well, whose fault is that? Not yours. No reason you should have to lie in the bed they made. If that’s selfish then so be it, but there’s no way I’d spend my life caring for somebody that didn’t seem to care much about me.

19

Are they self-centered, or are they tired of listening to you complain about things that you won’t do anything to change? You sound like someone who is going out of their way to make a martyr of themselves, instead of finding ways to reduce your burdens.

20

Nah, I think she sounds like someone who feels trapped and like she is not allowed to walk away (although I’m probably projecting). Although we don’t see the path to peace until we see it for ourselves.

My situation is not as bad as yours, but I have had to stand up and say no to a soul and time sucking father who has worked very hard over many years to destroy his health and his relationships with everyone. Now, old and infirm, he expects his children to just step up and do everything. He has absolutely no regard for anyone’s time or needs or feelings. He did this to himself, and the consequences are his. I remember a few months ago I was freaked out at the idea of having to take my mother to see him at the nursing home where he was sent to recuperate after being in the hospital. My therapist says to me, she says, “Why don’t you just say no?”

No?? Are you kidding? I’m allowed to do that?

The thought had never occured to me. Now I say no all the time. I don’t do what I don’t want to do. I’m not selfish. I am protecting myself and my mental health. The consequences of your brother’s and your mother’s choices are their’s to bear. I am certain that you would step up for anyone you care about and who you respect and *who respects you. * Saying no more to toxic people does not make you a bad person.

Watch how quickly your brother’s behavior changes the minute he knows you’re serious and you’re not going to take his shit anymore.