I’ll second what wierdaaron said.
This situation does suck (and your BIL is totally out of line), but beyond your sisters being selfish, it also can be a panic response to their mother being in the hospital. Sometimes all people can do is stick their heads in the sand, particularly when someone else is there to make sure the loved one is being taken care of.
LOADS of sympathy here. My hubby, myself, and our two children live with my mother-in-law. Hubby is her oldest son, and he takes care of her full-time. She cannot walk very well. He makes sure she gets baths, food, clean laundry, transports to doctor visits, etc. He also manages her finances and makes sure her part of the household bills are paid. I work outside the home, and help with what I can, but I do pay several of the household bills. It works out for all five of us.
Hubby has a younger sister who lives 10 miles away, and a younger brother who lives in the same house with all of us. Sis has come over about 5 times since January 1, and never for longer than an hour. Bro works full time, does not help in the slightest around the house: he does nothing for her, pays no bills, does no cleaning, etc. Meanwhile, we have sacrificed a great deal of our freedom by doing what we’re doing: even though we know it’s our duty to help care for her, since we’'re family, our kids don’t quite understand, and it’s not fair to them.
When we moved back in, our deal was that I would at least get the electric bill, and bro would get the cable bill. He stopped paying it several months back, and MIL and I have been taking turns with it. He said he would pay it, but he wanted her checkbook and debit card. Both MIL and hubby told him no: bro is never around, and we need to make sure the house note is paid on. MIL is making sure bro has no access to the checking account at all.
Hubby is doing a fantastic job taking care of her, but he needs a break every once in a while. We did get to go to Atlanta last November: there’s nothing like getting a phone call from your MIL while driving down the road where she has fallen. I had to call the local fire department to go help her because neither one of her other children had the time to bother. Sis came over to fix Thanksgiving dinner: the family usually eats around noon, and she din’t have it done until around 7pm. Bro decided he didn’t want to wait, and instead of offering to help her get it done, he skulked off to his room.
Sorry for crapping on your thread, but I do understand your frustration. I hope things get better for you really soon.
You should hire a hitman.
So, I got back from Mom’s a little while ago. Made the 8-hr drive up Thursday and came back today. She has made an amazingly speedy recovery, probably due in large part to the fact that they didn’t give her a general for her surgery- just a nerve block and a sedative. She is able to do a few things for herself but still wants to have someone with her most of the time.
Her birthday was yesterday, so we had a potluck at her house. I did most of the cooking, as I was there at her house anyway. S1 got a grocery list from me and I made a lot of great stuff. S1 also made a birthday cake from scratch. S3 brought an order- yes, one order- or hushpuppies from Long John Silver. S2 brought… tupperware. Her husband wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t make it, so he sent her with tupperware to bring him leftovers. I purposely made too much of everything so my mom could have some food that wouldn’t require a lot of prep.
So, while we were getting stuff ready to put on the table, S2 was complaining- yes, complaining- that Mom asked her to take her to get a pedicure sometime this week. I smiled at S2, gave her my most sorrowful I-feel-so-sorry-for-you look, and said “Yeah, I’ve been bathing her and helping her change her Depends for the last couple of days. I guess we all have our crosses to bear”.
She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night.
It was totally worth it.
:D:D:D
You. are. awesome.
Please tell me you sent your BIL just a few scraps, if that. And would you do me a favor, slap him and your sister in the face with a fish for me? What a set of asses. Seriously, though, make sure that she, a lawyer, doesn’t end up executor of the estate when the time comes.
Athena hit it on the head. There’s been several times I have heard the “I’m doing all the work taking care of the Elderly relative, and my sisters aren’t doing shit” story. It always sucks when others fail to fulfill your lofty expectations, and not everyone has a nurturing personality.
Its hard to get a read on S3, but I suspect something might be going on with S2’s husband and your mother? Maybe they don’t get along, and S2 resents the thought of losing his wife for days on end to take care of your mother?
I’ve seen that happen up close where a woman pretty much went over to her elderly mother’s house to take care of her every day, and the elderly woman never really approved of or liked her son-in-law. She would complain how he was crude, didn’t have a college degree etc etc, while as she got older and had to be taken care of, he told her wife that her mother was taking advantage of her kindness.
Maybe there’s some sort of tension in marriage?
Not scraps, hushpuppies!
katie1341, it’s a shame your sisters are being such twits about the whole mess. Your mother’s still mentally sharp, right? If so, she’s probably aware of what’s going on and who’s doing the work. She sounds like a pretty sharp cookie as it is. If she is still mentally sharp, I’d say it’s her place to lay down the law, and here’s hoping she does rewrite her will.
:eek: Please tell me you sent them back empty! No way should he take food out of your mother’s mouth! What an absolute jerk! And your sister, too for even thinking of taking food from your injured mother. I am astounded.
Good for you and S1 for your hard work and care. And your response to S2. 
Or filled with a used Depends… :mad:
Three little words should be going through your head over and over right now:
“[del]Learn That Poem[/del] Re-write That Will… Re-write That Will… Re-write That Will…”
Well, it could be worse.
S2 and S3 could be doing hardly any work and at the same time stirring up shit and giving the worker bees massive grief on how they are doing everything wrong.
And get S2 outa the executor spot !
I’d say it’s possible that S2’s husband detests having S2 anywhere where HE isn’t being waited on by her. Sending her to get him food, the phone calls, etc., all point (based on what was shared so far) to a self-absorbed jerk. The “stress” could be caused by HIM giving her crap about her helping anyone but him. Just a guess. Still her problem for not telling him to go pound salt and taking her turn caring for mom.
Perfect. If only there were enough left over.
Seriously, what seems to be needed is a family sit-down, with all the siblings. Let spouses be there too if they want, but they are just there to shut the fuck up and listen to what the siblings decide. If you have to shame some of them into doing the right thing, then shame them mightily.
Slight Hijack- Anyone else get the feeling S2 & SAJ are on a slow spiral to divorce? (Is it too late to get $1 on 2011…?)
And if that’s true, it’s even more reason not to let either of them anywhere near your Mom’s finances, let alone executorship, as their emotions, finances, and [del]good judgement[/del]* might not be stable for a while.
*Retracted: Assumes facts not in evidence
I have been pondering this for a few days, and while the OP seems to be a very, very nice person, I have come to the conclusion the OP suffers from the “martyr” complex. Observe:
Even though she has sisters who live nearby, she takes it upon herself to fly 500 miles to take of her mom as she is recovering from “life-or-death” . . . . wrist . . . . . . surgery.
She berates and hassles and makes demands of her siblings knowing that no matter how much time they spend, knowing no matter what they do, THEIR sacrifice will never be equal to the time, pain, and suffering SHE has put into watching over her mother.
On this Message Board, and I am sure to her friends, other family members, and anyone else who will listen, she bores everyone willing to read or listen by complaining about how much SHE did to help her Mom, while her siblings, once again, fell short of her high standards. The OP loves to complain about others, and feels fulfilled when given the opportunity to do so.
I would dare to suggest that the reaction of the OPs siblings while less than gallant, may even be a subtle negative reaction to what they see as the OPs overbearing, “do-gooder”, busybody attitude, and perhaps they do not see the situation as seriously as she perceives. Their reaction may be a manifestation of their resentment that not only did the OP fly 500 miles back into their territory, but then when she lands she makes demands on their time, and questions their character when of course, they fail to meet her requirements of being a “good daughter”.
I am going to suggest to the OP that she instead set aside her bitterness and revel in the fact that she does have the time, patience and mental capacity to do this good deed for her mother, and that she has this unexpected opportunity to spend time with her mother in her winter years. Would this not be better than brooding on what her sisters are or are not doing to meet her high expectations of honoring thy parents.
Her mum is 84 years old. She didn’t fly for the surgery, she flew to help take care of her mother during her mother’s recovery. Do you really think an 84 year old will do just fine taking good care of herself without the use of one arm all on her own?
S2’s husband called her specifically to ask her not to ask S2 to provide any help at all in her mother’s care. It seems to me that in this case, it’s S2 (and her husband) doing the hassling and making unreasonable demands. S3 spent a total of one and a half hours with her mother in the hospital only after S1 phoned and asked her to come.
The OP is not boring anyone. She’s obviously stressed out, concerned for her mother, disappointed in and frustrated with her sisters, and she needed to get some things off her chest in an understanding environment.
Honestly, sometimes you just need to give people the benefit of the doubt, and give them a bit of support in times of stress. Maybe some things have been exaggerated, maybe not. But cut her some slack.
I have three sisters too, and I am sure if you asked them, their version of what happens when we have to do things for the family would be completely different from mine. My oldest sister is the martyr in our family - she does things that don’t need to be done, that no one wants her to do, then gets mad at us when we don’t appreciate it enough. I’m not saying katie1341 is doing this, but I’m not forgetting that we’re only getting one point of view here.
I drove, I didn’t fly. I never said or implied that I thought that wrist surgery is inherently life-threatening. But my mom is 84 with some minor health issues and I’d be an idiot to be unconcerned about her having surgery of any kind.
I didn’t ask any of my sisters to do anything (other than bring something to dinner), nor did I berate them, except the one snarky remark to S2. I don’t think I did anything particularly extraordinary. That was sort of the point of the OP- grown kids take care of their parents, and I am at a loss to understand why S2 and S3 aren’t doing more.
If the thread bores you, don’t read it.
I’m not bitter or brooding. I suppose the thread does lose something if you don’t have the context of having been S2 and S3’s sister for the last 49 years.
Oddly, I think I would probably be one of the “other sisters” if I had siblings that would take up the duty. I do not have, anywhere in my body, a nurturing bone. A few years ago, my husband’s mother was ill and because I lived in the same apartment building, everyone assumed that I would, by default, take care of her. And I did try but eventually I had to put my foot down and say “no more”, because I was going home and crying every day.
I’m not saying it’s not selfish, but I do understand what it is like to just not be capable of giving a sick or injured person the nurturing and care that they need. It just isn’t in my personality, and in the end, I would just end up making myself and the patient miserable. Unfortunately, with my own mother, I know I would be the only one who would take care of her, so I would do it, but I won’t deny that I would hate every second of it.
From your own OP:
Teaching high school is not a regular 9 to 5 job. There is so much more to teaching than just being in the classroom. The teacher may be supervising a group after school. Certainly she needs time to grade papers and record those grades. And there is time required for reading materials, making new materials, getting organized for each of the five classes of approximately 25-30 students, filling out forms for administrative purposes, on and on. It is easily a 50 to 60 hour a week job.
It was very generous of you to drive so far to care for your mother the way that you did. But are you going to be able to keep up that pace as your mother ages and illnesses and disabilities increase? Maybe by then 53 will be retired from teaching and can spend more of her time devoted to the care of your mother. I certainly hope so.