And you thought [I]Resident Evil[/i] sucked as a movie

Cafe Society
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In all fairness, I enjoyed Resident Evil. I’m a big zombie fan, I like the games, and so I went in looking for zombies and science experiments, and I was happy with what came out. Sure, they reworked the plot a bit, but I didn’t mind, it was still zombie fun for me.
But what Hollywood is doing to The House of the Dead is just downright dispicable. I read a story about it in this month’s Game Informer and just checked out the movie’s homepage, and I want to find the director/producer/screenwriter/and everyone involved in the concepting and developement of this movie and kick their asses.
Basic premise for the game: Two private detectives get a call from a friend reporter who went to investigate a story and ended up in trouble. When they get to the mansion, they find it’s really a labratory that is now overrun with zombies. Basically, Restident Evil in first person shooter.
Premise of the movie: A group of college students (:confused: ) go to the “Isle de los Muertos” or some shit for a big rave. An evil undead raises a horde of zombies to attack the ravers, and this group ends up in a scary house full of zombies. See where it’s sucking already? Now, here’s the fun stuff:

  1. They announce there’s going to be very little story and just a lot of gore and violence. Hmmmm…given what they’ve told about the plot, you can’t expect much else. But zombie movies NEED TENSION, not non-stop action.
    2) They say that there are 4 stages of zombies, the more decomposed resemble traditional zombies, whereas the “meatier” ones will be more lifelike; “Able to jump.” Jump? JUMP?!?! Zombies don’t JUMP!!! What the fuck?
  2. Oh, and it’s not just jumping. Looking at stills from the webpage, these zombies do FLIPS and KUNG FU!!! AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!
  3. The directors have discussed two “really cool shots” designed for the movie. One of which is a zombie jumping at someone, then freezing and spinning around Matrix style. Ugh…why do people still think this is an interesting technique? And why the HELL would you put it in a ZOMBIE MOVIE!!!
  4. Clint Howard, I believe, is playing the uber zombie. If that’s the case, you KNOW this movie is slated for direct to video release.
    I appreciate people adding thier own little touches to movies and storylines, but why oh WHY do people feel the need to take a really good storyline and cinematic/horror device, and make both out to be a big fucking piece of teenage slasher CRAP!!! There aren’t enough truly good zombie movies out there. If they’d stayed true to the game’s plot, House of the Dead could have been a great movie. Instead, we get more shit from people that should never have been given a camera in the first place.
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Elvis, that truly sucks. The House of the Dead will always have a special place in my heart because it’s the game hubby and I always played when we went to the arcade. It was fun AND scary (remember that flying monster thingy boss?).

Anyhoo…college kids? A rave? Feh! It’d be SO much scarier if they stuck to the two-agents-not-knowing-what-they’re-getting-into plot.

Sigh.

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I wish some enterprising “Fuck rating boards” director and producer would get together and do Silent Hill. I would think, actually, that David Lynch would make it perfectly. It certainly fits his style of story-telling. If I have 100 million dollars, that’s what I would do with 99 million of it. :slight_smile:

Now you know why I am not a millionaire.

Actually, this remake of the plot sounds very similar to a really bad movie I saw once about essentially the same thing… this group of people go to some island to perform a ritual or something to scare themselves and the ritual ends up working… gah, I think that was the plot. I’m suffering retrograde amnesia here, that move was terrible.

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Well, they have to one-up the awful acting in House of the Dead. It looks like they’ll succeed and add bad writing and directing to boot. :slight_smile:

I wonder if all the heroes will use plastic guns?

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Bad game choice.

They should make a movie of Typing of the Dead.

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Yes, I agree that Silent Hill should be made into a movie. It would have to be rated R at the least, but if it was done well…woohoo! Mucho disturbing, but fun! I liked Resident Evil, but House looks like it’s gonna suck.
And erislover, that movie you’re thinking of is Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Weird movie, but entertaining.

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Ha! That is the movie alright. Gah, terrible, terrible.

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Well, ok, it was teerrible in the same way most horror movies are terrible… which isn’t to say I wouldn’t watch it again. :slight_smile:

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If Kung Fu Zombies makes you scream, then stay away fromReborn From Hell: Samurai Armegeddon!

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You’re a little too late there, Tars, I’ve already seen it. The difference there is: Those weren’t zombies. They were ghosts. Bit of a difference. Sure, you could only kill them by decapitating them, but just because they’re undead and that’s their weakness, doesn’t necessarily make them zombies.

But zombies DON’T DO KUNG FU!!! Or FLIP!!! Their little rotted bodies would fly apart and fling limbs and body chunks here and there, which would be rather cool to watch, but quite ineffective. It just shows too much congniscent abilities, which is something zombies just shouldn’t really possess right off the bat, if you ask me.

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<sickly green glow>
Dumdeedumdeedumdeedumdeedumdeedumdeedumdee!
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