Did you see the movie Animal House? If you didn’t, this will not make much sense to you so go rent it and watch it before reading the rest of this thread.
SPOOFE wins the Republican nomination for Vice- President. Sadly he is killed before the general election in a tragic toothbrush accident. He is buried alongside his cherished Bo Diddly.
Ben amazes the scientific community when he spontaneously combusts at the exact moment CSU (Creation Science University) is accredited.
Polycarp is asumed directly into heaven on his 116th birthday and doesn’t even think to shout “I told you so” over his shoulder.
Rue De Day finally gets to the point of his story and never speaks another word the last 20 years of his life.
Qadop the Mercant becomes Surgeon General and courageously finishes the job Joycelyn Elders started. His “Masterbation Basics” is the governments fastest moving pamphlet ever.
Scylla writes The Great American Novel, then dissappoints the nation by growing really bushy eyebrows and becoming Andy Rooney.
Flamersterette X (or something close to that) says something mindful and pointy.
I think Biggirl will move over to fill in the void left by Martha Stewart when she is jailed. I predict a TV show, her own magazine, and a retail contract.
Eve will make a splash in the fashion world as the spokesmodel for Lovely Lady Lorgnettes, the smartest fashion accessory of 2010.
Little children visiting Disney World tremble at the tales of the mysterious screech-owl who is occasionally seen wandering the parks on moonlit nights. They say that since she’s visited so many times, she thinks she lives there, and no one can catch her and escort her out.
And, of course, Eutychus made his fortune in publishing, thanks to the brilliant pieces submitted to Teemings. He used his wealth to buy every known piece of Disney memorabilia, and he is frequently seen padding about in his Winnie-the-Pooh footie pajamas.
Poor swampbear, on the other hand, made one too many wise cracks about “old broads” and was pulled into a dark alleyway and dressed and made up to look like Bette Davis in * Ever Happened to Baby Jane?* Not a pretty sight…
CrankyAsAnOldMan is unexpectedly made Queen of Michigan after it defects from the U.S. Her monarchy is noted for the first-ever Ministry of Babysitting.
Lel becomes the first human being ever to be cloned. Several hundred duplicates are created. Lel postings on the SDMB increase 2%.
Fenris is summoned to the fabled land of Asgard to aid in the battle of Ragnarok. He forgets to bring his Marvel Masterworks: Thor collection and is slain by a troll.
Biggirl questions the Yankees’ status as The Best Baseball Team Ever In The Entire History Of The Whole Entire World and collapses into a point singularity.
In a surprising move, the President nominated Zappo and Cartooniverse to the Supreme Court. Zap was all excited until he found out he didn’t automatically get a vintage Caddy every year, and 'Toons was just perplexed: “I’m not even a lawyer, and I don’t look good in those powdered wigs.”
Eventually, they became tag-team gigolos and were lost in a bizarre orgy. Rescuers are still searching for the bodies under stacks of pillows and silk scarves.
Johnny L.A.finally moves up to Washington. After having won the largest California Lotto drawing ever, he builds his castle in northern Washington and gets that helicopter he’s always wanted. He meets and marries a pretty Canadian woman and lives happily ever after.
Waverly, Assistant Manager of the franchise Radio Shack in Wynne, Arkansas, is suddenly fired after 8 years of faithful service for excoriating his District Sales Manager over a point of ettiquite. Depressed and alone, he seeks refuge in a homeless shelter where he is assulted, and dies a virgin, for his peach cobbler by one Black Jack McQuin, an ex-longshoreman with a lengthy arrest record and a history of mental illness.
Tripler, son of D-Day ends up raiding his former colleges’ Dean’s Office for all the scotch he can carry.
Throroughly dissapointed, he crashes a women’s volleyball game by somehow compressing the air underneath the bleachers - blowing all the ladies skirts up into the air for all to see, popping smoke grenades of various colors and flash-bangs of all types and kinds, and making a final exit by running out the fire exit with a bra on his head and the female referee in his arms.