Anonymous e-mail forwarder: whoever you are, you're an idiot and I hate you

The BBQ Pit
1

I haven’t started many threads down here, and I didn’t think I would ever pit an e-mail. Fortunately, I don’t get much of it. But this is just inane. I’m not even sure of the identity of the sender. Clearly it’s someone who knows my mother, but I’m not sure why this particular bitch (I’m extrapolating from the screenname) assumed I was the least bit interested in what she attempts to think, or in receiving ass-backwards moronic isolationist political e-mails from a fucking stranger. The e-mail reads as follows, carats and unnecessary extra spaces removed because I try to be a considerate human being. This stupidity almost made my eyeballs bleed and could’ve turned by brain to Campbell’s Chunky Cream of Wheat. Or in this case, Cream of WHAT?

If it existed, I would put this in the Font MS Metro Stupid.

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is now complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York .

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn tootin.” Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won’t forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead. God bless America. Thank you and good night.

And a wonderful glurgy tag:
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let’s get this to every USA computer!

Considering how droolingly stupid this is - did Henry Kissinger’s PNAC member four-year-old great-grandnephew write this, or was it G. Gordon Liddy’s dog? - it annoys me less than it should. Especially at the beginning and the end (also in the middle), it’s complete self-parody. It’s obvious that whoever had these dumb thoughts was too dumb to express them clearly. (…“are some of the countries listed there?” “every USA computer?”) And also too dumb to know better, or examine what he or she was writing.

“Dumb” brings me back to whoever sent this to me. Think of the “thank a teacher” comment again. Here’s the really scary part: my Mother is on the Elementary School Board back home, and I know at least one teacher received this piece of crap. It’s possible that another teacher forwarded this poorly-expressed, ignorance-prizing, probably-very-factually-inaccurate-but-I’m-not-going-to-waste-time-checking, politically moronic opinion along. I hope not, but I remain scared by the possibility. Frankly I would hope that all teachers are too intelligent and considerate to forward something like this.

Long ago I learned not to reply to these e-mails with the kind of lengthy, furious point-by-point retorts they deserve. Thinking of “Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens!” this is all I wrote in reply:

“If I sent that to any of my friends, they would - I think rightfully - stop speaking to me.”

They would also wonder when I lost my mind and 50 points off my IQ, but sometimes you just have to confine yourself to one sentence. Just as I would like to confine the sender of this piece of crap to a sentence of several years of hard labor in the salt mines, with rabid dogs as your supervisors. And why, why, why, why, why, when I don’t even know you well enough to know your e-mail address, whoever you are, would you trouble me with your attempt at commentary? It’s one thing to annoy your friends with this kind of shit, but people you barely know, or know only through relatives? What’s the point? You’re lucky they haven’t figured out a way to e-mail a smack upside the head, because you would have received a strong one this morning. Fucking moron. Keep your crap to yourself.

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Works for me, but I’d do the same for List 1.

3

Actually, it’s kind of funny. Funny in the same way that Dennis Leary’s whole routine about driving a '67 Eldorado convertible with whaleskin hubcaps around at 115, sucking down Quarter Pounders and throwing the styrofoam out the window. It’s so over the top, it’s funny.

Then again, it’s scary because I don’t think it was intended to come across like a comedy routine.

4

Well, American foreign aid is largely a myth, as is the idea that our government helps nsations struggling with famines and epidemics. Hel, we don’t even care when there’s wholesale genocide happening in Darfur, so I fail to see what the e-mail is supposed to accomplish.

Sadly, people like the moron who wrote that puerile nonsense know nothing about the realities faced by the rest of the world.

5

Exactly. It’s amusing as self-parody, but you know that Denis Leary - angry as I’m sure he really is - is trying to be over the top. And that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Especially not with the “WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?” intro.

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Personally, I don’t think enough world leaders use the phrase “darn tootin”.

7

How much do countries on list one actually receive in foreign aid anyway? I can’t think that the UK, Spain or Australia receive that much.

8

Tables? Is this some in-joke that only ditto-heads know?

That said, I don’t see any problem with implementing the underlying idea (isolationism), at least until we can get our national act together. But that is more GD worthy.

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This was my favorite part. Of course, according to this site, we only spend about $15 billion a year in foreign aid, while the cost of the Iraq war is in the neighborhood of $200 billion. But, hey, what’s an order of magnitude between friends. And, anyway, it’s not going nearly far enough. Just think of how many people we could kill if we eliminated all social funding and spent it on the military!

10

It has some good points, esp. the bit about towing and crushing cars with diplomatic tags. Anyone who has lived in the same neighborhood as an embassy would probably support that.

As far as I am concerned, the OP is an idiot for writing off isolationists as morons. If we are judging based on political rhetoric, the so-called Progressives, and other members of the Left, deserve a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Not that the Right doesn’t have its share of lying bastards.

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Wow, we made List 2, did we? These sentiments don’t even make sense. We’ll be seeing a lot more of each other? One-way highway? Hunh? What a load of gibberish. And what does World Cup Soccer have to do with the price of tea in China?
Nice use of “abrogating”, though. :rolleyes:

12

My aunt sent me something quite similar from her work computer. She had received it from a co-worker who had left in her signature - complete with contact information. They both work for the local school district. I forwarded it to the school board. Within three weeks I had received emails from three board members and the superintendent promising action as well as a follow-up telephone call from the principal of her school.

Best part? I haven’t received one of those goddamn screeds since.

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Could you translate this into a language where it makes sense? If you think I was just picking on the e-mail’s isolationism, you didn’t read very far.

I didn’t just mock the isolationism. (Yes, in today’s world, I don’t think it makes any sense, nevermind the fact that it’s silly for someone in a country with a huge trade deficit to claim isolationism.) If someone wrote a real position paper on why isolationism is a good idea, I’d vehemently disagree. But at least that person might have had coherent reasons and expressed them logically, instead of this e-mail’s “drop dead,” “screw you,” “I’m so ignorant I think the amount we’ve spent on Iraq is equal to our annual foreign aid” attitude.

14

Sorry, mks57, I meant to go on. Leftists have nothing to fucking do with why that e-mail pissed me off, and it’s a shame that your first response to the abject stupidity that clogged my AOL box this morning was “duhh, leftists are stupid too!” That’s not the fucking point, Rush. Be an isolationist if it gets your rocks off, I don’t care. If your reasons are that stupid, have the good sense to keep them to yourself.

15

Just to update, the “idiot” who sent the e-mail may in fact have been my sixth-grade teacher. I’m hoping it was her daughter; we’ll see.