Another perspective on "nice guys" and the women who won't date them

[Cazzle]

@Acid_Lamp

… it really seems strange that someone would go off like that on the basis of nothing more than a politely spoken “I’m not interested”. I’m sure that there are people out there like that, but the vast majority are not so touchy, nor do I think that is representative of even the normal “nice guy” who we are all discussing in this thread.

It happens.

@Cazzle in August 2007

Some months ago I went out and a guy was hitting on me. He wasn’t hideous and I had no reason to believe he was anything other than a decent human being, but I felt no attraction to him whatsoever*. It’s always embarrassing to find yourself talking to someone who is clearly attracted to you when it’s not mutual. Anyway, I told him straight out that I was always happy to make new friends but that I wasn’t looking to meet a guy at the present time (which was true, even though it omitted the fact that I wouldn’t be attracted to him even if I was cruising for guys) and there was no chance for romantic involvement between us. I said he didn’t have to run off and I’d be happy to continue to chat if he wanted to but if he opted to move on, I understood. He wanted to know why I didn’t want a romantic involvement. I told him - with a smile - that was my own business and not something I wanted to share. He asked if I’d had my heart broken, or was I involved with someone else, or if he’d done something wrong or if it was something to do with his looks/personality/approach. I told him again that it just wasn’t open for discussion, that my reasons were my own and that all he needed to know was that I wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone, the end. He persisted in pushing me to tell him why I wasn’t interested. I told him that I didn’t think I owed him - a stranger - any answers and that it was my own business, and just because he was attracted to me it didn’t make me obligated to share my personal life with him. He then asked if he would come in the following week to find me with my tongue halfway down someone else’s throat, as had happened to him in the past. I asked how long he thought was a reasonable time for them - and me - to wait, and said that even if he did find me in such a position, it was none of his business and that if I changed my mind about getting involved with someone then I certainly didn’t feel I owed him an explanation for it. I pointed out that I’d allowed him to buy me one drink and I had returned the favour by buying him a drink so we were square, that I hadn’t lead him on in any way and that I’d told him the truth outright so that if he wanted to look for something more with someone else, he hadn’t wasted his whole evening on fruitlessly pursuing me, and that beyond that I didn’t think he had any right to any piece of my life. Finally, after what felt like forever, he gave up on the attempted persuasion and emotional blackmail and left me alone.

I see it this way: If she politely, with a smile and nod of regret told him as gently as possible that she was not interested at this time and he berated her for it, he was an ass.

If she scornfully glared at him, wrinkled her nose in disgust and snapped “Not interested”, he still had no business berating her. He should have walked off without a second glance and thanked his lucky stars that she wasn’t interested, because who would want to know someone like that.

And I suspect the reality was somewhere in between. Maybe while not intending to be rude, she wasn’t as gracious and eloquent as the etiquette books would have instructed her to be (as few people are at their best in times of sorrow or when put on the spot unexpectedly, and she was confronted with both) but if he’d given her the consideration you’re saying she owed him, he should have considered that she might have had other things going on in her life and left it at that. He berated a stranger without knowing what was going on in her life, and what was going on was absolutely no business of his in the first place. She did not owe him an explanation for why she wasn’t interested.