Of course, the standard refrain is "too available:, “too nice”, “too eager”, “didn’t have an ‘edge’”.
Ok, fine. That’s not news.
But I find it interesting seeing the profiles of the women who are saying this:
28-year-old health care consultant in Madison, WI,
35-year-old magazine editor from New York, NY
38-year-old accountant from Cincinnati, OH
41-year-old language translator from Sherman Oaks, CA
50-year-old lawyer in Seattle!
I’m not sure what to make of it, but to me, there seems like if you are in your mid to late thirties, fourties or even fifties and still rejecting guys who are “too nice”, maybe there is a problem with you?
The image that was most used about these “nice guys” was of a puppy dog. That may be nice, but it’s an image of weakness. These women want men who are at least their equals, and will (at least sometimes) take the lead and make decisions, even while being considerate of their opinions. The sort of man who would say on a date, “I feel like eating Greek tonight, and I’ve heard there’s a good Greek restaurant on the other side of town. How does that suit you?” rather than, “I don’t mind where we eat tonight: where do you want to go?”
I find this about people who are ‘too nice’ in general, whether or not there’s any potential of romance. I mean, ‘What can I get you? Don’t have a pen, take mine. Don’t have money for the subway, here’s my last $50 and the shirt off my back’ types. You spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it often does, with spectacular, scary results.
“Betsy, a 50-year-old lawyer in Seattle, mused about a guy she dated who reminded her of that “Sex and the City” episode when Carrie was dating Aidan and complained about how he was too available. He didn’t do the ever-seductive withholding dance or make her stomach flip.”
Now it’s one thing if you just aren’t that into him. But it strikes me as a little sick to not like a guy who is “too available”. Like the only guy who is good enough for you is one who doesn’t want to be with you.
No. Some people like a little “danger” in the courting process. We like those endorphin rushes and heart flips, when sometimes you wonder if he really likes you, or those is he going to call!! moments. We know that if we do eventually settle down with this person, it’ll become mundane and safe, but just for that little while of dating, we like a little chase. Boring is… well, boring. Sounds perfectly human, to me.
Who wants to join a club which automatically will have them as a member? If you are applying to college, wouldn’t you rather go to one which is competitive rather than one which lets anyone in off the street? Why would a woman be interested in a guy who appears to be interested in her because she’s breathing and doesn’t run? Maybe he’d pop over to the next warm body in a month.
It works the other way also. Very rarely a woman would get very interested in me with no effort on my part, and it made me very nervous. It was definitely not a turn on.
It probably depends on what “too available” means. The phrase makes me think of a retired man who was described to me recently–his major goal in life is to be in a relationship, and he eschews hobbies, volunteer work, all sorts of activities in order to be looking for a woman to date (often online, thus the lack of activities), talking with her (when he finds someone) on the phone all the time, and trying constantly to be with her. And when he’s not doing that, he’s talking about every little detail about her life to people who have never met her. That’s just suffocating and boring; I want a guy who won’t die of boredom if I don’t happen to be in the room.
If a guy is always available and never seems to have anything else to do, that’s just weird. Normal people have work and friends and appointments.
::waves hand wildly: Oooooo me, I know the answer! Call on me!
It’s because msmith537, our resident misogynist, wanted to start a thread where he could rile up the ladies of the Dope and/or (bonus!) feel superior to the gentlemen who might come in to express their “nice guy” status and woes.
I could write a book on all the women I’ve met who married guys who were aggressive and did not treat them well. These guys were chosen over well adjusted men. You can call it the “bad boy syndrome” or whatever you want but women want to be chased/wanted/desired/pursued in an aggressive overt manner. It is the same behavior codified in romance novels.
Eh, and I could write a book about all of the guys I’ve met who think they’re “nice guys” but are obsessive, needy, and borderline stalkery in their attempts to get closer to the girls they fancy. There’s a hell of a lot of other categories of attraction than “bad boy” and “nice guy” and too many people want to use these excuses to comfort themselves for why the crazy guy/girl didn’t want them.
Women and men are individuals and it’s silly to try to think in terms of “most women” and “most men” because we all have different values, desires, opinions, and needs. What you may consider a well adjusted man or woman might not be what someone else would.
No, I think the OP exists because he wants to point out, that just maybe, beggers can’t be choosers. If another Nice Guy thread came along saying he can’t get the hotty, but won’t date the… non-hotties, he would be told to suck it up and lessen his standards. This thread is the equivelent of telling these woman the same thing.
Sigh… All men are pigs. Get it right. There’s no need to insult us.
IMO, women like to be “chased” for want of a better word. I hate to say this, but I’ve deliberately bumped it up a notch on a date to fulfill this need. The idea that women like to be swept off their feet is a very real desire.
We think that we act in a rational manner but we all have our buttons and they are encoded into our sexual being.
Hilarious. All we know of these women are their ages, occupations, and locations and you’re calling them beggars. Why is that, because they’re not 20? Adult women with careers and they’re beggars automatically without knowing anything else about them?
I’m sorry, but there’s a meaningful difference between a man who wants to date a hottie and a woman who doesn’t want to date man whose personality she really doesn’t like. I would think that would be obvious, but apparently it’s not.
Of course they do; my own brother lost one girlfriend ( and good riddance ) because he wasn’t a “real man”. Specifically, unlike her new boyfriend, he didn’t beat her.