Yes, I am well on my way to being crowned the stupidest person in the Universe. For lunch today, I decided to heat up a frozen dinner which had a side of roasted potatoes. I opened the dinner, took out my fork, speared a potato and bit down. Unfortunately, the inside was hothothot!. So I did the stupid thing and tried to swallow it whole. Of course it hit the back of my throat and caused a searing pain as the peristaltic waves crushed the potato exposing the hot inside to my posterior pharynx and upper esophagus.I managed to swallow it down followed by the only liquid I had handy which was lukewarm diet coke. I instantly knew that I had done some damage.
Being an educated doctor, I searched the medical literature, finding only case studies of similar laryngeal/esophageal burns. Surprisingly, many of the case studies involved microwaved potatoes, although apparently some were sweet potatoes. However, in terms of management, all I could find was that this was apparently rare (because most people aren’t that stupid) and that if my throat started really closing up I would have to call 911.
I then got a curbside consult from a friendly gastroenterologist, who basically told me to stay on a liquid diet, and call 911 if my throat closed up. He then proceeded to argue with me for an hour about Donald Trump. I honestly have no idea why we were arguing since he also hates Trump and doesn’t want him re-elected. I believe the criticism was that I was being “too intense” and Trump is just your run of the mill narcissistic sociopath but so are all politicians to some degree.
So now I am up early, waiting for my throat to swell shut and contemplating whether it is worth the pain to swallow my saliva. Frankly, I have been thinking that this would be an excellent Seinfeld episode.
(George eats the hot potato)
Kramer-“You have to sue-it’s a hot potato!”
Jerry-“Yes, definitely a hot potato. I just don’t know why you didn’t spit it out”
George-“You can’t spit out the potato. You’ve already chewed it.”
Elaine-“Well I think you should spit out the potato”
G-“You can’t just spit out the potato. What if you don’t have a napkin?”
J-“You get a napkin later”
G-“And just leave the potato there”
E-“It’s better than swallowing it”
G-“I think my throat is closing up”
J-“Your throat is not closing up. You’re talking to us”
G-“I feel it closing up. What if I’ve done permanent damage. What if I can never eat again?”
E-“Trust me, you’ll eat again.”
G-“What’s that supposed to mean?”
K-“You definitely should sue.”…