In the event that you are actually looking for conversational openers, I’ll give some sort of serious answers.
*What do you do?*Pick one aspect of your job and caricaturize or make a joke of it, and then make garden path jokes.
I work in the audio video field, which is called. AV. In Japan, the same abbreviation is also used for “adult video” or porn. So when a woman would ask what I did, then I’ll tell her I was embarrassed to say, then finally “admit” that I worked “in AV.” 99% of them would assume porn, especially with the lead-in. I’d give ambiguous statements, such as the difficulties of selling US AV in Japan, such as “size differences.” After a while, then I’d say well, of course I work in audio video, what kind of dirty mind do you have?
An accountant could be a professional juggler.
I always like this better than just straight jokes, because it actually connected with what you did, but showed my off sense of humor.
“I… killed a man… in the desert” usually prevents unwanted small talk. On public transit, when you are one of the few people left with a double seat in an increasingly crowded train or bus, eye contact, beckoning, and grinning usually helps maintain the status quo. For talkative taxi drivers, start with “my cousin used to live down that street!!!” This should work, but if not, you need to escalate to “PSYCHIATRY IS AN EVIL WHICH MUST BE ABOLISHED!!!” You’ll need to utter these within about the first forty-five seconds of the journey.
A while ago I had “I am a dynamic figure” by Hugh Gallager memorized. That led to some interesting conversations (I’d answer seriously, then I’d change it up to IAADF if I discerned it was within their sense of humor/moment appropriate to do so).
It’s entirely situational, of course. These are to be used in fast paced and fun party environments, not in job interviews or run ins with cops. It’s generally pretty easy to read both the situation and the person to see if he or she is open to that sort of interaction. A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of dealing with a really cool waitress. It became apparent that the bigger the lies we told each other, the bigger laughs we had.
OTOH, sometimes the naked and boring truth makes for great conversation. In the past few weeks I’ve told a few people straight up that I was born in Iowa. I don’t really think that that’s a huge accomplishment on my part, but some people found it absolutely fascinating. I’ve gotten kisses and dates from it.
Online is a different pace and structure, but it can be used there as well. But I’m talking more about face to face interations.
If I ask someone what they do, and they say computer programmer, I sometimes say “Ah. Professional nerd. Nice.” The confused and slightly insulted person will inevitably ask what I do. I proudly answer “Professional nerd. Pinky love!” or just do a fist bump. We then have something to talk about.
I’ve made several sales based primarily on the fact that I was from Columbus Ohio. One woman I was talking too was practically orgasmic over the fact that I was ‘a buckeye’. (thank god the OSU sports team names are the same as the state tree and nickname!)
When, now? Right now I’m at a party talking to the cute guy in the corner…
Or did you mean earlier? Cause earlier today I was…
Or
Tell people how to use their drugs (Note: this is in a nutshell what I actually do to earn a paycheck… I do product support for a research chemical company) Where were you born?
Probably on a bed, but I must admit that I don’t recall the details well.
or
Rural pennsylvania… the part where nearly everyone is blonde.
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What do you do for fun?**
Depends on the day, could be anything from early american history to hiking to guns and military technology (especially helicopters), to long mysterious roadtrips with friends, to thrilling kids with household science experiments, or just playing ball with my dog. I find a lot of things fun, and I’m always looking for more. what do you like?