Answer me these questions three

I’m meeting a lot of new people these days, which is fantastic, but I need some non-boring ways of answering certain questions that I get asked again and again. I figured that you guys would be an amazing source of material. Even if it’s too outrageous to actually use, this could turn into a really fun thread, so go wild.

The three questions are:

What do you do?
Where were you born?
What do you do for fun?

Some possible answers to “What do you do?” might be:

“I’m in the slave trade. You know, import/export.”

“You know the sparking mechanism on butane lighters? Well, when those break, I get in there and fix 'em.”

“I don’t really like to talk about it, so… OK, I’m an ass model. Do you want to touch it? You know what, you’d better not. I have an early call tomorrow, and I don’t want you bruising it.”

My sister was a pharmaceuticals rep. She told people she sold drugs out of the trunk of her car.

Where were you born? Between me mommy’s legs.
What do you do for fun? Go back.

I used to be a censor. That really shut people up.

Whenever asked what I do, my answer is never what they’re looking for.

“I roller skate, I perform at open mic poetry, I love to read, I’m a good cook, I hang out with fr…”

They usually interrupt, “No. What do you DO.”

I respond, “Oh, you’re asking how I earn money. Why would that matter?” And I continue with my list. Generally those who ask me are just waiting for the chance to tell me what THEY do for a living.

When I meet new people and am able to feign interest in them enough to actually ask them what they do, I am immediately repelled and sorry that I bothered to talk to them if they answer with a smart ass answer.

I put the wet stuff on the brown part of the green things.

What do you do?

After the accident, the insuance money aloows me to live a life of leisure.

Where were you born?

No one is certain. My mother gave birth to me while exploring right on the Tibet/Nepal border. They didn’t have GPS in those days of course so it will remain a mystery.

What do you do for fun?

I volunteer to lifeguard on some of the worlds most dangerous places. I sponsor homeless people and give them one day where the world is their oyster. I fox hunt and I am an accomplished skydiving ballet artist.

I find joke answers really annoying. For one thing, they’re rarely funny; for another, they indicate a general unwillingness to be honest and upfront, which doesn’t bode well for a friendship or other relationship I’d be interested in. Reasonably socially adept adults can make small talk about these topics that will lead to an actual conversation (which might involve more spontaneous, and thus probably funnier, humor).

Info first; jokes later.

I’m an insurance salesman and my SO is a bill collector.

Telling people we’ve newly met exactly what we do is not exactly a great conversation starter. :smiley:

Dispensation from my miffedness granted. :wink:

If you really want to shut them up, tell them you work for the IRS. :smiley:

Good one. I’ll use it when I want to shut someone up.

But my goal here is to do the opposite. :slight_smile:

Chief Executive Coordinator for the Biannual Pressure Washing of the faces on Mount Rushmore

On a United Airlines transatlantic flight to Paris. I can actually claim no home city or state with any reliable accuracy.

Airbrush Manatee Art

Back when my sister was a dietetics student (nutrition with more chemistry), she complained that people at parties would loose interest when she told them what she did. I told her to try saying that she worked for NASA, adjusting the astronauts’ diets to their horoscopes.

Apparently there are people who will believe that and they think it’s kind of neat.

What do you do?
Race cars.
Where were you born?
Race car.
What do you do for fun?
Race cars.

<Everyone Says I Love You>
Ken: What do you do?
Djuna: Depends on who the guy is.

What do you do?

Great white shark tamer. Extremely dangerous and the market is kind of limited, so I sometimes have to work odd jobs between gigs to make ends meet.

Where were you born?
I don’t recall. I was very young at the time.

What do you do for fun?


I was born in the state of innocence.

When I was in grad school, I hated talking about what I did, so I came up with creative alternatives:

Video Rewinder - Independent contractor, I own and operate “We’re Kind, We Rewind”
Boardwalk Repairman - You never see us, because we work at night
Phonemic Inventor - I have a patent on “oh-ooom”