I’m meeting a lot of new people these days, which is fantastic, but I need some non-boring ways of answering certain questions that I get asked again and again. I figured that you guys would be an amazing source of material. Even if it’s too outrageous to actually use, this could turn into a really fun thread, so go wild.
The three questions are:
What do you do?
Where were you born?
What do you do for fun?
Some possible answers to “What do you do?” might be:
“I’m in the slave trade. You know, import/export.”
“You know the sparking mechanism on butane lighters? Well, when those break, I get in there and fix 'em.”
“I don’t really like to talk about it, so… OK, I’m an ass model. Do you want to touch it? You know what, you’d better not. I have an early call tomorrow, and I don’t want you bruising it.”
Whenever asked what I do, my answer is never what they’re looking for.
“I roller skate, I perform at open mic poetry, I love to read, I’m a good cook, I hang out with fr…”
They usually interrupt, “No. What do you DO.”
I respond, “Oh, you’re asking how I earn money. Why would that matter?” And I continue with my list. Generally those who ask me are just waiting for the chance to tell me what THEY do for a living.
When I meet new people and am able to feign interest in them enough to actually ask them what they do, I am immediately repelled and sorry that I bothered to talk to them if they answer with a smart ass answer.
After the accident, the insuance money aloows me to live a life of leisure.
Where were you born?
No one is certain. My mother gave birth to me while exploring right on the Tibet/Nepal border. They didn’t have GPS in those days of course so it will remain a mystery.
What do you do for fun?
I volunteer to lifeguard on some of the worlds most dangerous places. I sponsor homeless people and give them one day where the world is their oyster. I fox hunt and I am an accomplished skydiving ballet artist.
I find joke answers really annoying. For one thing, they’re rarely funny; for another, they indicate a general unwillingness to be honest and upfront, which doesn’t bode well for a friendship or other relationship I’d be interested in. Reasonably socially adept adults can make small talk about these topics that will lead to an actual conversation (which might involve more spontaneous, and thus probably funnier, humor).
Back when my sister was a dietetics student (nutrition with more chemistry), she complained that people at parties would loose interest when she told them what she did. I told her to try saying that she worked for NASA, adjusting the astronauts’ diets to their horoscopes.
Apparently there are people who will believe that and they think it’s kind of neat.
When I was in grad school, I hated talking about what I did, so I came up with creative alternatives:
Video Rewinder - Independent contractor, I own and operate “We’re Kind, We Rewind”
Boardwalk Repairman - You never see us, because we work at night
Phonemic Inventor - I have a patent on “oh-ooom”
