There was an interesting article in the Washington Post about the most common question at an adult party:
“What do you do for a living?”
On the face of it it is simple, however it is quite intrusive.
Does anyone have a better question to ask to a stranger at a party?
I prefer to drop the “for a living” portion of that question. Not everyone wants to talk about work socially and that gives them an opportunity to talk about their hobbies or whatever instead of their job.
The Q is often a thin veneer for classism. There’s a line in a book (IIRC “Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten”) about that question, that it really means “Tell me what you are paid to do, and I’ll know how to treat you accordingly.”
Same guy wearing the same clothes tells people at the party “plumber” or “hedge fund manager” he is gonna get a different attitude in subsequent conversations.
I’m highly sensitive to intrusive questions and am wary of doing this to others, so I don’t have an alternative suggestion. (But boy howdy, can I list off what not to ask!)
“adult party”?
{…}
How is that defined, exactly? I would think that questions ranging anywhere from “Where is the exit?” to “Where is the buffet?” to “Are you certain that there are no cameras?” might be appropriate.
Just in general, the question that I use as an ice breaker in a generic social situation is, “Do you have children?” because people love to talk about their children. I hate listening to them drone on about their children. But, they just love talking about it & the whole goal of an ice-breaker is to set the other person at ease.
By using this question, you also telling the person that you are not hitting on them, or, if you are, that you’re totally good with the fact that he or she may have a child.
It can also lead into stories about vacations & other activities that will also set the person at ease. There is no performance anxiety.
Nobody gets very far when they ask me what I do for a living.
“The same thing I do every night! Try to take over the World!”
They always remember, rather suddenly, that they have something else, somewhere else, that urgently needs doing.
This is actually a very uncomfortable question if you happen to ask it to a couple who is having trouble conceiving children, or if they’ve recently lost a child.
That’s interesting, because I never ask anyone this. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids, so I don’t really want to go down a oddly one-sided conversational path (“Why is this woman asking me about my kids when she doesn’t have any herself!?”). But another reason is because children aren’t always a safe topic. Maybe the person has been dealing with infertility issues, so me asking if they have children might make them feel some kind of way. They may also feel some kind of way if they are unhappily single and their biological clocks are ticking. Maybe they have kids but they don’t have custody of them for sordid reasons. Maybe their kids are big disappointments. Maybe they are estranged from them. I think for the most point, asking someone about their kids is a low-risk way of engaging them. But it’s not a no-risk situation by any means.
rbroome, I think if I were at a party and I was introducing myself to another attendee, I’d ask them how they know the host. Their answer may provide other information, like what that person does for a living. I think another good conversational starter is, “Are you originally from here?”
I like to ask about hobbies or travels.
Just whatever you do, don’t mention the war!
Only if the person asking the question is classist.
I never ask about kids. My wife and I did indeed have fertility issues and I would never want to say more about it than, “No, I don’t.”
I often ask, “How long have you lived here?” It’s a fairly bland question and you can get every answer from “I don’t live here” to “All my life. I’m a native.” The conversation takes off from there.
Re asking about what one does for a living…for more than 25 years, I worked at a job that was a bit difficult to explain to people. My associates and I started answering those questions with “I’m an accountant.” Our reasoning was that people usually understand what that means and normally wouldn’t ask many questions about it. One day, three of us were at a dinner and we were asked by a small group of other guests what we did. We gave the usual (fake) answer and they all simultaneously said, “What KIND of accountant?!?” Turns out they had been desperately looking for a forensic accountant. We had to confess that we had outright lied to them. Embarrassing.
I certainly understand that perspective. All I can say is that it has never happened, at least not so far as I know. I have invariably gotten bubbly, happy answers or answers of the “Yeah, but she’s currently a guest of the State & we don’t get to visit as much as I would like.” variety.
I find myself thinking much the same way. There are some nuances to get a feel for in the situation and/or venue the question might come up, and I try my best to attempt to “read” the person who asks the question. Sometimes I notice the question is asked ( IMO ) in good faith, and may be appropriate within the context of the conversation. Sometimes I get the feeling the questioner is setting up the situation such as you describe in your middle paragraph.
The queen mother of all intrusive “break the ice” questions I’ve ever had lobbed at me was when I first moved to the area decades ago: “Have you found a church yet?”. Yikes!
I remember taking a sociology class in college. At one of the first meetings of the class, the professor held up the obituary section of a newspaper and pointed out that virtually all of the obits mentioned the occupation of the deceased in the first sentence, if not the headline.
“How could I not? The damned things are everywhere!”
I usually ask what people like to do in their time off. That seems to work well as a conversation starter.
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Once I was standing on the train platform while the train was stopped. I was on my way home from a wonderful vacation and playing the harmonica. A train attendant interrupted to ask what I do. Great conversation opener (if you’ll wait until I finish), and that’s what you got?
I was trying to be clear to avoid any questions. I meant to exclude children’s birthday parties and the like where such a question would not be asked of the participants. The article actually referred to “cocktail parties” but since I have never been to such a party, I wanted to be explicit about the age of the attendees and leave it at that.
I love it!
Would that I could have thought fast enough to give a pithy answer like that. 
As it was it put me in an awkward quandary. Should I:
Say something like, “Nah, I’m not into any of that” and be pigeonholed an evil heathen?
Hem and haw and say that I haven’t yet but… and thereby send a signal out that I’m open to the submission of bids on having my soul saved by the best churches and congregations thereof?
One of the purposes of the article is to solicit new “ice breaker” questions that aren’t as intrusive.
So far, the best suggestion I see is: “How long have you lived here?”
But frankly, there don’t seem to be many questions that aren’t prying in some way once you are past discussing the weather.
Further suggestions are welcome