What makes an intrusive busybody? Or: how familiar do you get?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Prompted by my rare dissenting response to the “Is ‘are you planning to have kids soon’ a rude question?” thread, I am starting to think my interest in my friends and acquaintances lives is outside the norm.
If it appeared we were going to have some kind of friendly relationship, I might ask all kinds of questions–not because I am judgmental about what ever your answers might be, but because I really do care about who you are as a distinct and interesting person, different from anyone else in the world.

What makes someone seem nosy or a busybody to you, versus caring and interested? What kinds of “getting to know you” questions do you ask? Are there common “getting to know you” questions that are socially acceptable but that you dread being asked?

How is your “personal life” different from your “public life”? What’s too personal for you to ask or be asked of you? Do you prefer no one show any interest in your personal life absent specific invitation?

As for me, I’ll talk about just about anything anyone cares to ask. Like I said in that other thread, I don’t care in the least if anyone knows how much money we make, our career paths, how many kids we want, what method of birth control I use, or the first date of my last period. I have no shame. :wink:

I feel like, judging by my reaction to the “planning kids” thread, I might be too familiar in some cases. I worked at Planned Parenthood for years, which pretty much kills any tendency you may ever have had towards being embarrassed about discussing anything. At the same time, it taught me to be aware of, and sensitive to, issues around gender and sexuality. For example, I never ask “are you married?” but instead may ask “do you have a partner?” or “are you in a relationship?” along the same lines. I am more familiar, or may ask somewhat more “personal” things to someone who’s my peer and if we’re likely to be spending any amount of time together; much less so to someone much older than me or a casual acquaintance. I’d never ask the lady putting down ant bait if she’s planning to ever have kids, but I did ask a couple we had over to our house for dinner if their new baby was planned–I would only ever ask that question of my closest friends, but it was in the context of a discussion about how they’re very young and are such confident and loving parents, while we’re in our mid-twenties and want babies very much but are terrified about the prospect.

I’d love to know where you draw your “too personal” lines.

2

I’m sure the answers will vary from person to person and culture to culture, but the big three for me are money, religion, and sex. Unless I’m good friends with someone, those three topics are off-limits. And my husband is the only person with whom I’ll discuss my sex life in any detail. I also generally hold off on asking about medical issues. However, if a friendly acquaintance says, “We’re thinking of buying a house in the area, do you mind if I ask how much you paid for yours?,” I’ll have a very different reaction than if some yahoo I’ve just met asks, “So, how much do you make a year?” One person has a valid reason for wanting to know, the other is just prying.

The question “Are you planning to have kids soon?” veers too close to the medical and sex territory for me.

3

If the person is giving you one word answers and you keep asking, if the person asks you to drop the subject, or if the person responds “None of your damn business,” and you don’t drop it right then without making a snarky remark (Well! I was just asking) you are being an intrusive busybody. And damn rude.

4

Well, sure. Obviously if someone’s putting out signals that they’re not interested in chit-chatting, I’ll absolutely not press them. I’m curious and friendly, not “damn rude” and socially oblivious. :wink:

I just thought it would be interesting to see how other people get to know each other, and what peoples’ personal “off limits” areas of discussion are.

5

Where the line is varies widely depending on who I’m talking to.

We have long-term friends (coming up on 20 yrs) who we will talk about just about anything with. These are the people I would call in the middle of the night if I had an emergancy. We’ve all stood up at each others weddings and helped out in bad times.

We have other friends that we aren’t as close with, the kind you go out to dinner or a movie with, or invite over to a party. If they asked how much I make (unless it was directly related to some conversation we were currently having), I’d wonder why they want to know and probably give a low-balled estimate. The same with birth control, or taxes. I’ve got no problem discussing politics, gun control or religion. Thinking about it, money and sex seem to be my big dividing line.

6

Birth control seems like a topic more should discuss more openly, but then I feel that’s true about the “facts” of sex in general. Lots of women have big problems finding contraception that works for them, and I wish more people discussed it more openly. Even health care professionals aren’t great with this topic, judging by some of the patients I had at PPH and the jacked-up things their doctors had (allegedly) told them (or sometimes more frighteningly, not told them) about their birth control.

I recently had a friend get angry with me for not getting nosy about her financial situation( :confused: )–money seems to be my only big taboo. My parents taught me that it was never okay to inquire about someone’s finances and it would especially never occur to me to ask whether or not they could afford something,* so for my friend to wig out that I didn’t ask her that exact question when we were doing social things that she hand planned and chosen was a complete “WTF?” moment for me.
On the other hand, though I’d never ask anyone about their income or how much money they have in savings, I don’t really mind if anyone were to ask me about our income, if there was a context for asking. Maybe that’s because we’re broke-ass college grads :wink:

*assuming that, like a responsible adult, she wouldn’t suggest doing things that cost money she couldn’t afford to spend, right?

7

As has been said, it mostly depends on who’s doing the asking. The second part is why you’re asking. If you’re asking because you’re genuinely curious/concerned you’re going to get an entirely different response than if you’re asking to have fuel for the gossip mill.

8

This is a fascinating thread. My mother, may she rest in peace, had the habit of starting up conversations with anyone and everyone. I would be standing next to her in the grocery store checkout line and she would start up a conversation with whomever would talk to her.

I used to tell her that if someone is standing there minding their own business it doesn’t invite you to start asking them personal questions. She would ask them if they had kids, how old their kids were, what they were doing etc. and invariably would end up provide them with me and my brother’s entire life story. It embarrased the heck out of me and I have never quite gotten over it (obviously).

I NEVER approach a stranger to strike up a random conversation. If someone asks me something I will always politely answer them, but I don’t continue the conversation and I suppose that makes me seem aloof. I have sometimes flown on an airplane for 10 hours and never spoken a word to the people sitting right next to me. I reserve the right to sit quietly, listen to my IPOD or read a book, and not be engaged in conversation by perfect strangers. Perhaps I am more sensitive to this than I should be.

9

I used to never talk to anyone I didn’t already know reasonably well, mostly because I was shy and used to being seen as socially awkward outside my immediate group of friends. When I started college, I’d go to school and do my work and hang with my friends in my off time. I found out later that for the first two years, everyone in my undergrad program thought I was aloof and snobby and an uber-cool accomplished artist, way too sophisticated for the rest of them.

I try to be more pro-active about approaching people and striking up conversations now, knowing what waiting for them to show some signs of approaching you gets you.

10

My general rule is that if you ask three consecutive questions about the same topic, seeking answers that are more and more detailed, then you’re heading into Nosyland. Doesn’t matter what the topic is.

For instance:

A:“What do you do this weekend?”

B: “Oh, nothing much. Went out with some friends and hung out.”

A:“Where’dja hang out?”

B:“A friend of a friend’s house.”

A:“So what did ya’ll do?”

11

NajaNivea – I think you and I are pretty much twins on this. While I get a bit annoyed at friendly people (for some reason, people always flock to me and think I am just their best friend), I don’t really have anything that’s “too personal.”

I would say that if a total stranger walked up to me on the street and asked what method of birth control I use, I’d probably give them the patented what the fuck is your malfunction look, but I’d probably answer. Meh. I have no shame, either.

12

Lest I seem like Nosey McYipYapperson, I still hardly ever work up the nerve to strike up a conversation with someone if I don’t have either an established relationship with them, or a specific reason to be talking to them. Once we’re pals though… :smiley:

13

You can ask me anything you like–as long as you don’t mind if I respond with a polite, smiling, “None of your business.”

14

I have got three bombshells that I have to defend against.

  1. I am successfully treated bipolar.

  2. I am a recovering alcoholic related to number 1 above.

  3. The one that tends to nail me the most is the in-laws. I love them and they are very good to me in my family even going so far as to do menial chores for us. They are also very wealthy which isn’t something I like to bring up casually especially with coworkers. The following happened with my boss today who I have known for 2 1/2 years.

(Boss) What did you do last weekend?

(Me) I went to a party at my in laws house.

(Boss) In New Hampshire?

(Me) No, that is where their farm is. Their main residence is in Boston.

(Boss Where in Boston?

(Me) Close to Newbury street?

(Boss) Do the live in an apartment?

(Me getting impatient) No, they own it. They even have a backyard. Tom Brady is their neighbor (until a couple of weeks ago). It is a gorgeous place. They have a few houses. They are just good people who did well over a long period of time. Me and my wife work for our own money just like everyone else.

We don’t get any cash infusions into our bank account every month or even once a year. They have helped us with our house restorations and we can vacation in lots of places around the world just for the cost of plane tickets either through them or their much richer friends. We never have to worry about truly losing our house or paying for the best restaurants but that is about the full extent of it. My wife is hypersensitive about the fact and I am becoming that way as well. I only posted it here so that I can vent and let people know that having money can become a point of embarrassment as well. I don’t like to talk to people in real life about it.

15

I think that is an excellent rule of thumb. I’ll also second what Annie-Xmas said; the worst busybodies are the ones who aren’t reading the signals from their victims, regardless of what the topic of conversation is. And as a general rule, you don’t start having conversations about sex (which includes procreation choices), religion, or politics without having something of a feeling for how the discussion will be taken.

16

Growing up I was never taught that it was impolite to ask about finances. When I got my first job in high school and asked one of the girls working there “so, how much do you make?”, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was being rude. So I never ask personal questions, but I don’t have anything against answering them. There’s actually a weird disconnect because the part of me that had to learn the money taboo thinks “wait, that’s an impolite question to ask!” but the other part goes “meh, no harm in answering.” I find that my Asian friends and relatives don’t have the money taboo so much, so maybe it’s a cultural thing.

The socially-acceptable question that I dread getting asked is “so what do you do for a living?” My fiance does well enough, and our needs are simple enough, that I will likely never have to work. But it’s considered weird to not have a job, so I feel embarrassed, and that I need to justify myself, and it’s just awkward all around. I also don’t like getting asked about my upcoming wedding, because I don’t actually find the planning process very interesting - and I always feel that the person asking doesn’t really care either, they just feel obliged to ask because all brides are supposed to be wedding-obsessed. And answering questions about the dress, food, flowers with “I don’t know yet” isn’t really stimulating conversation.

17

Well, my method of birth control is one of my biggies. I really do not want to discuss this with anybody, except my husband and my medical care providers. I’m not sure why it is such a hot button with me. I don’t even want to bring it up here, which is odd, because I’ve discussed my sex life in answer to various questions here often.

I will bring it up just to illustrate. I had a tubal ligation in April. Not wanting to discuss my method of birth control became extremely inconvenient because I had to get some help from somebody in addition to my husband since we have three children that had to be cared for/gotten to school while somebody else had to be with me at the hospital the whole time starting at 6 am.

So I asked my mom for help. I probably would not have told my mom I was getting a tubal ligation if I hadn’t needed her help. I have not told my in laws, I don’t know if my husband has.

I was horrified, the evening of my recovery, just starting to feel human again, for my mom to hand me the phone, saying “It’s your aunt, she just wants to say hello!” She had told all her sisters! Ugh! ugh! ugh! It is just nobody else’s business.

Even before I made the decision for permanent birth control and was sort of on the fence about another child, I hated being asked whether we might have another (esp, since I have all boys, would we “try for a girl”). My stock answer was always…“oh, ya, never know” in as uninteresting of a tone as possible.

On the other hand, in general I am pretty open. I don’t mind telling you how much I paid for my house or talking about my daughter who died when she was four months old.

In general I like talking to somebody who has a lot of questions for me about me. I find it a friendly way of indicating interest in me. I think the trick truly is in picking up the signs that you are making someone uncomfortable.

It varies greatly, even within the U.S., by culture. I found Deborah Tannen’s book That’s Not What I Meant very illuminating on this topic.

The thing is you never know what commonplace inquiry will open up a can of worms for somebody.

“What do you do?” “I produce pornography”

“Where did you grow up?” “First in a series of housing projects, then in foster care”

“How many children do you have?” “Do you mean including the one I gave up for adoption at 16?”

etc…

18

Personally, I don’t like any questions from strangers about my personal life, at all, period. And I don’t ask them either.

I am death at parties.

19

I just picked this particular post because it’s the easiest for demonstrating my point. Why do people feel obligated to answer questions they feel are too nosy?
*
(Boss) In New Hampshire?*
You could just answer with “No, Boston” You certainly didn’t have to end up telling him that your in-laws are rich, especially if you didn’t want to. Saying “Their main residence is in Boston” is likely to trigger curiosity.

Or even in Carlotta’s examples [text in brackets mine]:

“What do you do?” “I produce pornography” [I’m a film producer]

“Where did you grow up?” “First in a series of housing projects, then in foster care” [Topeka, Kansas]

“How many children do you have?” “Do you mean including the one I gave up for adoption at 16?” [Three]

If you end up answering a question that’s too personal with information that’s too personal, that’s on you, not the asker. Why not just say, “I’d rather not say” or even “Sorry, that’s a private matter”?

20

Right. Funny thing is, I don’t ask a lot of personal questions, unless I am drunk and trying to get to know AFOAF – in that case, I will ask just about anything to get a feel for the person. As with most completely asocial people, I become exceedingly social when I get a good buzz going.