Anxiety and me.

[pokey]

I am a bit like jjimm, I manage my panic attacks now, but it took practice. I like that smoking analogy that featherlou’s doctor made. I don’t really care why I started getting panic attacks. Deep down, I don’t even find it unreasonable to panic. It’s a bit of a miracle that I’m so calm the rest of the time. Then again, I think the feeling good chemicals in my brain are few and far between. I used to be on a lot of medications for depression, and though they helped somewhat, they were very expensive. When I stopped taking them, I was okay for a while but then I started to get anxiety marked with painc attacks.

When I have a panic attack I can’t think very well and trying to think too hard will make things worse so usually what I do is sort of zone out and repeat calmning thoughts over and over, like, “just relax, that’s okay,” etc. I distract myself like **jjimm ** by trying to find a simple task to do like make a tea or take a walk. If I am out in public I focus on the idea that if I pass out, it will not be the first time anyone passed out in public. I find that the worst thing to make my panic grow is that I get fixated on the idea that I’m going to pass out and then something terrible will happen like I’ll be embarassed or robbed or whatever. So I just think about how close I am to the ground, and how many times I have NOT passed out. The feeling passes.

I make a huge effort not to avoid anything because of panic. Like, at my library, for unknown reasons the floor shakes in front of the Best Bets. It gave me a panic attack the first time I noticed it. Now every time I stand there I feel the vibration and I feel sick but I don’t get a panic attack because I make myself stand there til the feeling passes. I think stuff like that helps me to not associate more and more things with panic.

It also helped me to think about the problem when things were going well. At first, when things were going well I would think, “well good, maybe that will never happen again! I will just pretend it never happened.” When I started to think about it during good times, instead of causing more panic, it helped me with my coping strategies. That was a breakthrough for me. I listened to Claire Weeks tapes, and read some books and websites. It helped me see the traps people get into with their interpretation of panic and how avoidance complicates things. When you have some perspective on things, and you feel relatively okay, that’s the time to plan and make strategies. Only by experience do you see that it does not cause a panic attack to think about panic attacks.

My mantra is “this too shall pass.” It is not easy, but the way I see it, 90% of the torment is the reaction to the initial symptoms. Yes it is very unpleasant to panic in public, but there are people with much worse health problems than occasional dizziness and disorientation and they don’t let it keep them housebound. So that’s my mindset, that yes, I could pass out in public/have a heart attack/go crazy/whatever but so could anyone, they’re just living in blissful ignorance.

Panic is like other things though, that even when you get a handle on it, a lot of stress will blow all your coping strategies to bits. So there is no easy answer. However, perseverance is the name of the game.

[griffen2]

@Dob

Now however, its like Pandora’s Box has been re-opened. Every night since that night going to sleep has been a chore for me. Once my mind associated panic with sleep, I was screwed. My day to day stuff im generally okay. No panic attacks, but a general feeling of anxiety has pretty much been with me every day.

I totally identify with you dude. This is exactly what happened to me about two weeks ago and since then every waking moment has been undercut by a pervasive mixture of vague melancholia, anxiety and fear of trying to sleep. Yesterday was particularly bad. I was out with some friends and suddenly, out of the blue I was overwhelmed with (by now familiar) feelings of anxiety, social discomfort and nausea. I don’t know how your anxiety attacks manifest themselves but the example I always use to describe to others how I feel during an attack is “Imagine you’re on a long train journey, then you suddenly realise you’ve forgotten something incredibly important.” It’s like that.

Fortunately, I’ve been through this before and experience has shown me that the mental associations between panic and sleep can be broken fairly easily. All you need to do is convince yourself that a sound nights sleep is still perfectly possible. I did this by forcing myself to stay awake for forty-eight hours. By the time I finally headed for bed I was so tired I felt sick. I conked out almost instantly and the next night I was able to tell myself with complete confidence that since I was perfectly OK the previous night, I would be OK this time.

That was about 3 months ago. Since the start of my recent bout of insomnia I haven’t been able to do that, mainly because this episode isn’t as severe and I’ve had a lot of important committments and tasks that needed to be performed with a relatively clear head. I’ve got this weekend free so I’m going to try and stay awake until Sunday evening in the hope that it breaks this negative thought cycle like it did last time.

I’m diagnosed OCD. I’ve lived with anxiety attacks for nearly 3 years now and I’ve reached the point where I can control them very well. I’ve found that plenty of exercise, keeping busy and total abstinence from alcohol has helped me almost as much as my meds have. Meditation is also enormously helpful, allowing me to attain an almost zen-like sublimation of ego which allows me to appear outwardly normal even during a fairly severe attack. None of my friends were aware that I had a 3 hour long “slow burn” panic attack right under their noses.

FreeJookey

I’ve become a complete hypochondriac - in the past six months alone, I’ve been convinced that I have an undetectable heart problem that won’t be discovered until it makes me drop dead (gee, I wonder where that one came from?), multiple sclerosis, diabetes, schizophrenia, epilepsy, Lou Gehrig’s disease, Parkinson’s, OCD, Mad Cow disease, a detached retoma, a brain tumor, skin cancer, sleep apnea, and a multitude of others.

You and I have a lot in common. Recent research has shown that obsessive hypochondria can actually be a manifestation of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I’m not trying to diagnose you by any means but I can tell you that this is the case with me. My obsessive health anxiety reached almost manic proportions just before Christmas 2001 but looking back I can see that it started a couple of years before that.

I’ve worried about all sorts of bizarre illnesses. Deep Vein Thrombosis, lung cancer, alzheimers disease, stomach cancer, Lou Gehrig’s disease and, by far and away the worst of the lot, CJD, the human form of Mad Cow Disease.

CJD is the worst of the lot because the first symptom is anxiety! For months I was stuck in this terrible psychological rut where I was constantly getting anxious about my own anxiety! Needless to say this was totally self-perpetuating and a real headfuck. Thankfully I was able to get through it after I realised that I’d been worrying about it for 6 months and I was still alive Problem solved. I still worry about it from time to time, usually when I’m having trouble sleeping but nowhere near as badly as I used to.

Severe health anxiety can be extremely debilitating and you should take it seriously. If you’re not seeking treatment for it then I would recommend you start a.s.a.p. My experience has shown me that talking through these fears with a trained professional is the best way to make quick progress. It can be difficult to talk about severe hypochondria because the label has various negative connotations including flakiness and gullability. That the condition has this stigma attached to it is proof positive of the pervasive dangers of ignorance. Living 24-7 with the belief that you are at deaths door can take a serious emotional toll. Those who dismiss hypochondriacs as being neurotics who should just ‘get over it’ have no fucking clue what they’re talking about and probably wouldn’t last a week in our shoes before eating their words.

The interesting thing is that the majority of people I’ve met with severe health anxiety are perfectly aware that their anxieties are baseless but even this knowledge is no help. You can’t just think your way through the anxiety. It’s always in the background, walled up in your subconscious ready to be unleashed by the merest of stray thoughts. UNLESS, that is, you seek some treatment for it.

Health anxiety is receiving more and more recognition from the medical community as a disorder in its own right and treatments are being developed. Anti-depressants have helped me but the results of cognitive behaviour therapy are looking very encouraging.

Anyway, I’ve rambled far too much already. I wish you all the best and hope you’re able to resolve your respective situations as soon as possible.

Take care!

[norinew]

I can’t remember when I first started having panic attacks; I certainly don’t remember the first one. I’m practically positive they’re associated with repressed memories of a crappy childhood. We don’t have medical insurance right now, so I’m not getting help in the form of meds or a doctor, but I have developed several strategies that seem to help me. The first is to watch the sweep second hand of a clock; I don’t know why this helps, but suspect it has to do with reminding myself that time is passing, and so will the attack. The other thing that helps a lot is having physical contact with another human being. I don’t know why this helps, either, but it really does.

I get my attacks every month or so, and I’ll get maybe ten or twelve in a day. But they rarely go into the second day. However, for a day or two after a day of panic attacks, I can drive myself into one just by conjuring the feeling of them.

It looks like very soon (within the next couple of months), we’re going to have good medical coverage; this is on my list of things to get professional help with.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@pokey

<snip>Then again, I think the feeling good chemicals in my brain are few and far between.
<snip>

Research has proven that positive thoughts activate the same part of your brain that is affected by SRRIs. I now make a conscious effort to think positive thoughts throughout the day - tell myself that I love myself, that I can handle whatever life brings me, that I’m okay. It might sound silly, but it does make me feel better. And for that matter, this whole condition is silly when it comes right down to it.

[Elysian]

My first panic attack came literally out of nowhere at the age of eighteen. I was working as a hostess for a restaurant, and I was bored, and then boom, panic. I thought I was going to faint right there in the lobby. I freaked out and drove to my doctor’s, who said it was just low blood sugar and told me to snack every couple hours.

My next one happened a week later. Everyone at my work was less than sympathetic when I locked myself into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I was just so worried about what was happening to me. I was worried I was going to throw up, or faint, or make an even bigger fool of myself than I had already. I decided that maybe I did have low blood sugar, grabbed a glass of orange juice, and strangely enough I was okay.

So every time I felt panicky that’s what I did, and it worked.

Then my dad had a heart attack. A really bad one. It was a rough time for me. I was scared to death about my dad and I wanted to be with him, but my mom told me to stay away from the hospital. I managed to see him a couple of times. It was the first time I’d ever seen my dad cry. Over the next few months I had to see my formally robust dad pale, weak and shaky, sleeping for hours at a time in the middle of the day, sick and sad.

What’s even worse is that the nurse at his bedside had told me that since I smoked, I would most likely have a heart attack like my dad later in life. So guess what? That image of a heart attack followed me around and started causing my panick attacks.

I was convinced, convinced, that I was having heart attacks. My heart was going like crazy, my hands were tingling, I felt like I was going to vomit – these are all symptoms of a heart attack, as I knew because I had researched it when my dad got sick. I went to the hospital a few times because of this belief, after the panic attacks grew so bad I couldn’t handle them. They told me that I was having a panic attack – which was the first I’d ever heard of it.

So I knew I was having panic attacks – that didn’t stop me from believing that I was having heart attacks. My mantra when I had a panic attack was: “I’m not having a heart attack. I’m not. This is a panic attack. Calm down.”

Sometimes I tried to eat something, and sometimes that calmed me down. When I got very panicky I would call someone and pretend I wasn’t having a panic attack, and eventually I would stop panicking. I would also drink a glass of water, play music, and read books to try to distract myself.

I didn’t barricade myself into the house. But going out sometimes seemed a little much. I had this idea that I was sick, or insane. I was worried that I would have a panic attack out in the middle of everyone and they would think I was crazy. I didn’t want to be crazy.

So, five years after I had my first panic attack, I went to my doctor and told her that I wanted medicine for it. I had given up; the panic had worn me down to that point. I had Xanax but it didn’t always work. So I asked for Celexa because I had heard good things about it.

It was so easy. My doctor asked me how long I’d been having anxiety and wrote out a scrip. It took less than three minutes and completely changed my life.

I don’t like being on the Celexa. I get withdrawl symptoms if I forget to take it – I lose my center of equilibrium and the world shifts and whirls whenever I move my head or blink my eyes. It’s also helped me gain a ton of weight.

However:

I can get a full night’s sleep. I don’t stay up until three in the morning because I’m afraid of the way my heart sounds or at the thought of death. I fall asleep right away and actually look forward to going to sleep.

I can drive at night again. One of my huge triggers was driving at night. Sometimes that even extended to driving during the day. I missed a friend’s wedding because I had a panic attack on the way there and couldn’t drive. I started to hate driving at every time and made my husband drive us everywhere for years. Now I can drive, and sometimes I even look forward to it.

I no longer feel like I’m going insane. I no long feel sick. I feel healthy and alive. I can even laugh and make jokes again. I’m a different person.
I struggled with anxiety for so long I don’t think I would have benefitted from going to a psychiatrist. I knew what was wrong and why I was having them – I had read books and listened to inspirational tapes – and I was still having them. Plus, one of my triggers was thinking that I was going insane, and being treated like I was somehow mentally deficient would not have helped at all.

So those three minutes at the doctor’s office have changed so much for me. I could still be like you, trying to deal with it myself and failing.

Medicine doesn’t mean that you have given up or are weak. It’s there, so why not take advantage of it? Maybe you should talk to your doctor. Really, if you are like me, you will think of yourself as a much better, stronger, comfortable person after doing so. IANAD, etc.

Anyhow, good luck.

[Dob]

hope this isn’t a dumb question, but what do you think about during a panic attack?
Are you able to force yourself to think of something, or is it out of your control?

I generally am not thinking about much. It’s kinda strange in that I KNOW nothing is going to happen…hell I have had probably dozens and dozens of attacks and yet im not dead, so I doubt this one will kill me. But at the same time cohernt thought is just not that simple. I try my breathing, try and change my minds focus, etc. I actually find drinking a VERY cold glass of water helps. I think being cold slows down your heart rate anyway, and since during an attack your heart is thudding away, it kinda makes sense.

FreeJockey Thank you SO much for listing the dieases you thought you had. I read that and connected so much with you on that one!! I have been thru all of those myself and have been CONVINCED it was one of those each and every time. No matter how many Doctors told me I was fine, I was sure they were wrong!!

Again, thanks for all the stories! you all have a been a big help!!

[TheFaerie]

@Bippy the Beardless

Thanks, I had heard something of the restless leg syndrome, but I guess since it has neve effected my sleeping (if it does at all I find a single Asprin cures it at night) that the Doctors hav enever considered it worth curing. Both a nurse whilst in hospital, and my Psychiatric doctor considered it a sign of an anxiety attack.

Not a problem. Perhaps my info could help someone else, then.

But as I am reading everyone’s accounts, I realize that I am, right this very minute, having an anxiety attack, which is actually left over from last night’s anxiety attack in which I spent most of the evening crying on the couch. SO gave me some herbal meds that helped me to sleep. But right now I have a pain (a dull ache that will occasionally spike) in the middle of my chest and I’m pretty sleepy. I used to get social axiety attacks when I was a kid, even going to the doctor would cause me to have to run to the bathroom, sick to my stomach. That sort of anxiety has stopped, but I still really dislike calling people on the telephone and even going to a friend’s house for dinner will cause anxiety, mostly my head is telling me “why are you wasting your time going there? They don’t want to see or talk to you, you idiot.” I ignore it and do social stuff anyway, because what fun is it to sit at home all by yourself? But it doesn’t stop the insecurity. I even feel it when going to visit my family, and I love my family. Someone else here said that lots of human contact helps, and she’s right. I don’t know what I would do without The Elf (my SO). He’s very, very grounded and hugely supportive.

I do feel crazy. I know intellectually that there is nothing to be anxious about, but I can’t help it. And thinking about being sad and anxious makes me even more sad and anxious.

A coupld of weeks ago I was driving home in the dark and rain and I got cloisterphobic, the lines in the road were narrowing in on me and I was absolutely certain that the cars on either side of me where going to suddenly merge into my lane and wreck into me. I was shaking and crying. It was real freaky.

And to make matters worse (and I haven’t told anyone this except you guys) I have recently been idly contemplating dying. Suicide, illness, car accident, whatever. I even hope that I die before my SO because I don’t think I’d want to live without his support in my life. And that’s insane because I know that my family and close friends love me and are always there for me. But it’s like that doesn’t even matter. I’m only 37. Dying should be the least of my worries.

This doesn’t help either… I am in the middle of negotiations to buy a new car. I’m freaking out on the inside about it. I absolutely fear and despise any sort of confrontation and I am freaking out about having to tell the salesman to fix the deal or stuff it.

Thanks for reading, everyone. It helps that I’m not alone. But the more I write about it, the more messed up I realize I am and the more scared I get.

[Dob]

from TheFarie

Suicide, illness, car accident, whatever. I even hope that I die before my SO because I don’t think I’d want to live without his support in my life

I hope you talk to your SO about wanting to die. Depression with anxiety is very common, and can lead to all kinds of those thoughts. Im sure everyone of us in this thread thought about it at one time or another. But despite the tone of my post, I do love life. Its hard and painfull, and anxiety is a bitch, but still…I refuse to let something like this beat me. I have my defeats but I will be damned if I let this get the best of me. It can be beaten, people do it all the time. you just have to find the thing that works for you.

[TheFaerie]

@Dob

I hope you talk to your SO about wanting to die. Depression with anxiety is very common, and can lead to all kinds of those thoughts. Im sure everyone of us in this thread thought about it at one time or another. But despite the tone of my post, I do love life. Its hard and painfull, and anxiety is a bitch, but still…I refuse to let something like this beat me. I have my defeats but I will be damned if I let this get the best of me. It can be beaten, people do it all the time. you just have to find the thing that works for you.

Thanks {{{Dob}}}. I wish you luck and strength for your own battles.

I am really glad you posted the OP. Almost immediately after I posted my little raving, I felt a little better. I do get depressed and The Elf worries, but like I said before, he is very helpful and supportive. I am very luck that I have him. It is difficult for me to talk about stuff like this with anyone, and that really frustrates him, but he’s patient, thank Og.

And thanks to everyone else who had their own stories. I’m hoping they helped each of us a little with fighting the good fight!

[Freejooky]

Thanks for the words, everyone. This thread has been comforting and helpful in many ways. Oh, and Griffen, how could I forget DVT? I’m freaking 24, in perfect health, and I was recently convinced after a 2 hour plane flight that I had DVT! :smack:

I’ve decided that I’m going to start seeing a therapist about this. I thought if I could just get a “clean bill of health” from a doctor then I’d “let it go,” but that hasn’t worked. I convince myself that the doctor was mistaken, and then get second and third opinions. When those don’t pan out, I move on to a new “disease.” It’s time to get this shit under control!

[Bippy_the_Beardless]

{{{TheFaerie}}} best wishes, when thoughts turn towards suicidal ideas it is time to see a psychiatric doctor. I didn’t when much younger and tried twice, luckily I failed.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Elysian

<snip>
Medicine doesn’t mean that you have given up or are weak. It’s there, so why not take advantage of it? Maybe you should talk to your doctor. Really, if you are like me, you will think of yourself as a much better, stronger, comfortable person after doing so. IANAD, etc.

Anyhow, good luck.

Medication is a very useful tool in treating anxiety. I don’t think it should be your only tool, though. I believe that our anxiety comes from being afraid of our own feelings, and not trusting ourselves. Medication cannot give you confidence in yourself. I agree with you that taking medication doesn’t mean you’ve given up, or are weak; it can give you a breather to get your feet under you again. But don’t give up on yourself and think you have to take medication for the rest of your life;

I took medication for anxiety for about 13 years - in that time, I didn’t build a single coping skill, because I didn’t know they existed and that I needed them. I don’t want other people to have to go down the same path I did. Use your time on medication to build coping skills and learn to love and trust yourself.

[Cat_Whisperer]

Oh, I meant to address the suicidal thoughts issue, too. People with anxiety think of the scariest thing they can to, well, scare ourselves, and suicide is the scariest thing some of us can think of. Being afraid of suicide is fairly normal with this condition. Some people use thoughts of hurting other people to scare themselves, some people use thoughts of hurting their kids to scare themselves; these are irrational thoughts that we would never act on, but they are part of this condition.

If you actually are suicidal, get help. If suicidal thoughts don’t scare you, get help. If you have any question at all regarding suicide, call a helpline and talk to someone way more qualified than anyone posting on this board.

[Adoptamom_II]

I started with panic attacks that lead into an eight month long depression (I was in the bed the majority of those eight months - totally unable to leave my house).

I thought it was related to the closing of the company I worked for and the loss of my job, so I figured I’d get over it eventually. After eight months, I gave up and went to the Dr.

A very long story cut short, a relatively short bout of therapy helped me deal with something that I’d been repressing for 27 years which finally reached out and bit me on the ass, resulting in the panic attacks and depression. With talk therapy (and a bit of medication along the way - ativan rocked when I needed it) I dealt with the unfinished business and am moving on.

Six months later, no medication, no panic attacks and I’ve streamlined my life to include the folks who I love (and love me) the most - relegating those with the emotional crap to the very back, seldom seen, burner. Life is infinately better.

Please don’t discount a short trip down memory lane with a qualified professional therapist to tie up any loose ends that are intruding on your life today.

You deserve peace, and I hope you find it soon.