Thank you for your concern and suggestions, plain_jane. Ironically, one of the things that really set me on the path to resolving this was my writing several articles on Domestic Violence (I’m the editor for a small, weekly newspaper and also do some of the writing when need be.) This was prompted by a domestic situation in the town that ended violiently. One of the articles focused on the warning signs. As I researched and read and re-read the lists, I kept mentally checking off things that described me, my husband and our situation. The check marks outwighed the blanks significantly. Frighteningly significantly. It’s not the first time I’ve thought about it, but the first time I really faced and defined it and stopped denying it. This was also, in part, due to one of the writers who was helping to do the research and wrote some of the articles. We ended up talking about it and I ended up telling him some of my situation. It was the first time I had ever said a word to anyone. Once I said it out loud, it became that much more real and I knew I had to do something about it. So, a long way around of saying, yes, I do know about the services in the area and where I can get help if needed. And thank you again for your concern and help.
I’ll post separately about the appointment we had yesterday.
Yes, the editor wrote outwighed instead of out weighed. bwahahaha
Well, at least I caught it, but not before it went to press!
For anyone still interested in this saga, we went to our first appointment with a marriage counselor yesterday. I had chosen the guy from a list given to me by my insurance company. After speaking with him briefly on the phone, I thought he was task-oriented and that that would be good. Well, I was wrong. It sucked. Partially my fault as I wasn’t as forthcoming as I needed to be, but this guy was also not asking the right questions or following up on the right cues whatsoever. At some point he was trying to get us to talk about our oldest daughter’s curfew and “work on that.” I point blank told him No, I’m not going to sit here and discuss something so trivial compared to what the problems are. There are much bigger issues that need to be resolved and then things like curfews can be discussed reasonably. We honestly never got to the heart of anything. He kept saying, well start with a small step and then you can get a sense of accomplishment and use the same process to work towards the larger ones. I tried to talk about the way my husband interacts, but this guy was not picking up on it and giving me no help getting there. We talked about domestic responsibilities and the fact that my husband has essentially NONE of them. Somehow we ended up with this guy saying my husband should take over the checkbook and the bills. I looked at him and said, Oh right and give him MORE control??? (and also pointed out that my husband would do it for two weeks and then drop it and it would end up right back on my lap like everything else has for the last 17 years) So yes, let’s give up my access to money so we can make sure that I’m even more imprisoned. Great fucking idea. We would have been better off working with puppets in a mirror. After the “session” (and the next appointment was scheduled for TWO WEEKS from now…which doesn’t matter as we won’t be going back there anyway), I ended up saying more to my husband in the car than I’d said in the therapist’s office. I told him I was afraid of him, that the girls were afraid of him and why. He said he had never hurt us. I said, no not physically, but he’d come damned close and had threatened me and that he did hurt us emotionally all the time and gave him some very clear examples. I told him I was not going to live like this any longer. He was very quiet. Maybe, like The_Stranger and Waddamaroon he never realized the extent of our fear, even though we have talked about it somewhat before. I don’t know. He said he loved me. I told him I thought he loved being married and the things I DO for him and living with his kids, but that he didn’t love me. Not for who I am because he’s done everything in his power to squash all of who I am right out of me. God, don’t play the piano, it’s too loud, he might not be able to hear the tv. Don’t create anything because it might be better than what he can do and we can’t have that. And when I pointed out how he’d stopped me from doing anything for myself by essentially “punishing” me whenever I tried (getting angry with the kids when I’m gone, treating them like shit or better yet, drinking away while he’s supposed to be responsible for them), he was again quiet.
So any work that was done, was not done by the therapist. On to someone new I guess. In the meantime, I’m still here, lost. This really sucks.
A bad counselor right out of the gates…that really stinks.
It sounds like you have decided you’re DONE.
I’d throw some hugs at you too…but you know what they say about hugs from Strangers…(sorry, bad pun on my username, I’m trying for even a small grin from you.)
In lieu of the hugs, I’m wishing you the best of all possible outcomes…whatever that may be!
Aw, Salem, I’m sorry to hear the counsellor was a dud! Hopefully your frank talk in the car with the husband did some good.
I also offer you cyber hugs! Please, if you’d like, keep us updated. Changing a long-standing situation takes a lot of time and energy, and we’re here for you.
I went to a marriage counsellor this past winter. I picked a woman thinking my wife would be more amenable, but I couldn’t get my wife to go, so I went just once.
Reading the guys’ posts above, I see a magnified version of me. I too, get easily frustrated and have a temper. In my case, I just yell. I am big enough to terrify most women, and especially my 5’ 1" wife, but I don’t think she, or my kids, are frightened of me. Hopefully, they see me as a protector. There are some issues I would really like my wife to work on.
Salem (and Jaade), your posts have me thinking. If my wife told me what you two told your men, I would be flabbergasted. I’ll bet your man was floored. I would sincerely want to change. But, personality traits are hard to change. There is no way he is changing without individual counseling, not something like a temper. (My wife still can’t give a compliment without prompting, and then it is something superficial, and she is trying. If it is hard to change something that requires forethought, think how hard it is to change an instinctive response.) And, very likely, there are things about you that he will want to see change. I’m not sure if a guy is more able to open up in front of a counselor or not.
At any rate, you have my thoughts and prayers and wishes. Good luck. Hopefully, your man is at least half the man waddamaroon is. Then you two have a good chance.
Hello slowmindthinking, thanks for your input and good wishes. I wonder what your wife would say if you asked her if she’s afraid of you. My husband is 6’, 260lbs. I am 5’2" (and yes, we’ll just gloss over the weight part and say that it’s nowhere near his). Part of the reason I was attracted to my husband was because he’s big and protective and made me feel safe. I know for a fact that he would do anything he needed to to protect me and the kids from outside harm. The problem has become, who will protect us from him. My hero is also my captor.
So why didn’t your wife want to go? (If you don’t mind my asking. Well, I already asked, so it’s too late, but you don’t have to answer!)
And I completely agree that waddamaroon has a lot to be commended for. plain_jane, thanks for the hugs and support. It really is helpful to vent here. I’m much better at writing out my thoughts than saying them sometimes, so I appreciate the opportunity to do that.
Stranger, I’m not sure if saying I’m done was referring to when I said “on to someone new”, but just to clarify, I was referring to a new therapist, although the rest of it probably sounds like I’m saying I’m done, as well. I don’t know what I am. I’m too angry to know what I want. I’m angry at him but I’m also very angry at myself for allowing my stupid, stupid self to get to this place. And to have brought three children into this mess. I always think I am so smart and I can fix anything. Now there’s a real chuckle.
Salem-
I was reading between lines again…because it sounds very much like you are “done” with your relationship. The “someone new” phraseology? IMHO, Sounded very much like a new mate, not a new counselor.
Although a competent counselor would be a good thing, it seems to me as if you need to decide if you want to keep working on your relationship, or hit the eject button. (keeping in mind I am NOT a certified counselor)
and I haven’t even factored in whether or not your husband wants to work on making things better…
On a side note; isn’t it interesting how we all seem to see each other’s relationships quite clearly, but our own are cloudy?
How am I doing? Thank you for asking.
I’m actually doing pretty good.
We haven’t filed any paperwork for the Divorce yet, but we will very soon.
She does not want to try working things out between us and frankly, at this point neither do I. (A guy can only take so much of the “Ice Princess” routine before he gets the picture… “eject, eject, eject!”)
SlowMindThinking-
Like you, I always thought of myself as the great protector…heart breaking to find out I was in the “threat” catagory.
I’d ask her, point-blank, if she is, or isn’t, physically frightened of you
There comes a point where you know what you want to do, but can’t say it out loud. Then you test it out loud a few times, admitting the whole truth for what it is. Next comes acceptance of your decision and making the big jump from what you know and what is “comfortable”.
Like The_Stranger said, it does sound like you are done.
I’m proud of you for talking to your husband in the car without the support of a third party. I know how scary that can be. Continue to take things slow and think everything through. You aren’t alone. Has he responded to you at all? You said he was quiet after you said your piece, did he ever mention it to you?
My heart goes out to you, please don’t hesitate to email me if you need to talk.
SlowMindThinking, my ex was floored when I laid it all down for him, but he shouldn’t have been. He was solely and fully responsible for the end of our relationship, and he knows it. Sadly, he won’t change. He gave up on independent counceling, and now simply lays it all at my doorstep, feeling sorry for himself and blaming me. Talk to your wife, tell her exactly why you are asking, and make sure that she knows how you feel. Don’t talk about changing her “issues”, that will put her on the defensive right away. Instead, open a line of communication with her, an ongoing discussion about how you can BOTH work on yourselves to better your relationship.
Stranger, I’m sorry. I hope that everything works out for you personally. Maybe this will wipe the slate clean for you. Next time, remember what you have learned here and use that to build a stronger relationship. ~hugs~