Any funny stories that happened at wedding?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

My best friend quit his day job 30 years ago to shoot video. In the mix was a metric buttload of wedding videos. If it has gone wrong, he has it on tape/disk/chip.

One remarkable story was centered on the reception at a now closed hall.

The wedding went off with out a hitch. However, that was when things turned pear shaped and departed the rails. It seemed the cook, who had ingested a bad ice cube while preparing rubber chicken, was having a bad day. His reach went a little too far in the spice rack, and instead of grabbing the paprika, Cayenne Pepper was liberally sprinkled on the chicken.
Of course, it was the mother of the bride who took the first bite…

42

In 1998, Mr. Rilch and I attended a friend’s wedding. “Brandon”, the groom, was, at the time, an Army Ranger. His brother, “Dylan”, was the best man, and an Army pal, “Steve” was a groomsman. Dylan’s then-GF, now ex-wife, “Brenda”, was a bridesmaid. (There were a few other attendants, but they don’t come into it.)

The ceremony was absolutely lovely. Then the bridal party left the church and spent the two-three hours before the ceremony riding around in the limo drinking champagne, and, I think, some hard liquor. By the time they arrived, everyone was in various stages of inebriation. When everyone was seated, the attendants assembled to toast the B&G. Dylan made a short, maudlin, but heartfelt speech, then turned the mike over to Steve.

Steve, who was either the most loaded or the least able to hold his liquor out of all of them, started a rambling speech about how he and Brandon had met in Basic. Somehow he veered off into a rant about the sacrifices servicepeople made (this was pre-9/11, but even by today’s standards, he was kind of throwing attitude). He got stuck on this subject, and I could see “Kelly”, the bride, drop her smile, whisper something to Brandon, then bravely paste her smile back on.

Mr. Rilch and I were at the same table with Brenda’s dad, who is ex-Army. He wasn’t in my eyeline, but Mr. Rilch could see him clearly, and noticed him grow increasingly more agitated. By the time Steve got to saying, “So when you punks are warm in your beds on a Sunday morning you just think about us freezing our asses off in a tent in the Persian Gulf (people freeze in the Persian Gulf?) and you wouldn’t be there without us…”, Brenda’s dad had half-risen, pushing back his chair and scowling.

Dylan, seeing this, reclaimed the mike and said something, I forget what, but it was enough to get Brenda’s dad back in his seat. Dylan then passed the mike to the other groomsman (Kelly’s brother), who began telling Brandon what a fine choice he’d made. There was an audible exhalation around the room.

As I mentioned before, Dylan and Brenda are now divorced. Brandon and Kelly are still together, and I don’t know what happened to Steve.

Also, there’s the matter of the bouquet. It was the last bouquet toss for both me and Brenda. The bouquet bounced off my bountiful bosom; I dove and scrambled for it, then looked up to see Brenda waving it in triumph. Well, I was the next bride chronologically, but Mr. Rilch and I had a courthouse wedding, while Brenda and Dylan had a BWW. So the torch did pass to Brenda, because she was the next one to throw a bouquet!

43

On graduation day at West Point there is always a slew of weddings. The chapels are booked up in a military manner (or course). The grooms wear the Army Blue. (Huzzah!) Newly-commissioned brides do not pass up a white dress of course.

1980 was the first class with women. Two friends of mine were married in May that year.

As the happy couple leave the chapel, underclassmen form an arch of sabers. As I said this is all down to an art. The first pair of the honor guard cross their sabers at ankle level for a photo. The bride is confused and all smiles. “What am I supposed to do?” She whispered.

“You can’t get by without a kiss,” said the guy with the saber.

So rather than her husband, she kissed the guy with the saber. It was a great photo. It is a great story.

44

I saw the exact opposite happen at a family wedding once: my cousin Brian, who was 8 at the time, caught the garter.

And then while technically this really wasn’t part of the wedding, since it happened afterwards back at the hotel, me and my cousins were running up and down the halls, playing elevator tag, and one of my more distant cousins, who we hated, had the elevator door close on his head.

That’s when my grandmother came out and told us they had just gotten a call from the front desk that they were getting complaints about all the noise we were making. Good times.

45

Ooooh! I have a funny one. Like seriously, this is classic. Ready?

So one time I had a wedding, and married a crazy narcissistic borderline personality disorder bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHAA.
It was awesome. A good time was had by all.

Oh yeah, and THEN I married an absolutely delightful woman. And we intended to have our wedding on the beach in Rhode Island, but it was rainy so we just did it at the house of a family friend where the reception was to be held.

Since she had a son of hers, and I had a son of mine, we got a vase and different colored sand for each of us. Then we all poured our little bottles of sand in to a big vase, symbolizing that we are all now together.

So while we were pouring our sand in my little guy, who was 4 at the time, said “What are we doing?” in that loud voice that 4 year olds have.

Then, since the ceremony was held by a pool, be bailed for the rest of it and swished the leaves around the edge.

She’s trying to fall asleep next to me right now, and waiting for me to finish this post and scritch her hair until she falls asleep.

I gotta go.