Any insomniacs in the house? Help, please!

In My Humble Opinion
1

My boyfriend has sleep problems. And we’re not sure what to do about it. He’s reluctant to see a doctor about it, because he thinks he’ll just get a prescription for sleeping pills and then be stuck with those forever because he’ll be addicted.

The way he describes it is that his brain won’t turn off. He’ll be tired, but the thinking won’t stop. So he gives up, gets out of bed, and goes to work on the computer or watch TV. Then he’ll come to bed at 6am and sleep until noon. Or he’ll fall asleep quickly, and sleep very deeply for about 3 or 4 hours, then wake up and not be able to get back to sleep. Same thing, he’ll usually lie there a little and try, but then give up and find something to do. I asked him whether is was stress-related, but he said it’s not. I tried giving him a pre-sleep back massage every night for a while, and it helped him fall asleep but not stay there. I asked if it would help if I slept in another room, but he said he’s been like this forever and it’s not my presence in the bed that’s bugging him.

I suggested that he force himself to get up at the same time every day, but he says that doesn’t help. If he does get up early after a sleepless night, he’ll crash later. Maybe he can do it for a day or two, but after that he’ll need to nap in the afternoon, or fall asleep when he gets home from work and stay asleep for 14 hours to catch up. He’s tried keeping a regular exercise schedule, which doesn’t seem to help. Avoiding caffeine does help, but it’s still happening even if he abstains. When he’s desperate for sleep, or trying to “reset” his sleep pattern, he’ll sometimes take an OTC sleep aid, like a Benadryl, to knock him out, but it’s a restless sleep and he’s very groggy in the morning. Luckily, he’s got a job (computer programmer/ code monkey) where he can set his own hours and sometimes work from home - but he won’t necessarily have that luxury forever.

This is starting to affect our time together, in that we’re getting less of it, because it often hits on the weekend, leaving him up all night while I sleep, and me up all morning while he sleeps. He feels terrible about it, and so do I, but I try to keep it from bugging me because I know it’s not his fault.

How do you deal with your insomnia? What has helped you overcome it? Any advice or info on the various medications? Is this something worth bringing to a doctor’s attention, and if so, what sort of things should he be asking or telling the doctor?

2

You could be describing me. I’ve been this way for years and I’m usually able to fix it for a while, but I have relapses the second I’m not in my normal routine, like on vacation or even three-day weekends. I’m convinced that some people are just flat-out wired kookily when it comes to sleep.

That aside, I can’t stress enough how much sticking to a sleep schedule helps. He needs to pick a bedtime and waking time and stick to them for however long it takes for them to feel natural. When it get off my schedule, it sometimes takes me literally two or three weeks of going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time before I settle into it and it feels normal.

The other big thing that stands out to me is that it sounds like he’s resorting to computer and TV screens when he can’t sleep, which according to the latest pseudo-scientific anecdotes mess with the brain and the circadian rhythm because they somehow “trick” the mind into thinking that they’re daylight or something. It sounds suspect to me, but I’ve noticed that I sleep significantly better if I spend my last hour before sleep reading (esp. in bed) vs. in front of a screen.

3

I found that the worst thing to do when I couldn’t sleep was to either get on the computer or watch TV. There’s just something about that lit up screen that fires up something in my brain and makes me both more tired AND less sleepy at the same time. I have found a compromise now - I take my laptop to bed with me and listen to DVDs (but with the monitor turned off) or audiobooks. It works for me.

I do think that getting up at the same time each morning is very important. At first, when you haven’t had enough sleep, it’s absolute murder, but what you are doing is training your body. If you give in to the desire to sleep in, you’re just going to have a harder time getting to sleep the next night.

4

I recently interviewed a doctor who’s an expert on sleep disorders. Here are her tips (and I’ll betcha a nickel you’ve heard 'em all before):

  1. Create a going-to-bed routine, where you do something soothing to wind yourself down; herb tea, a bath, reading, listening to low-key music, whatever. (But see #3 and #4 below for more on this.)
  2. Get up at the same time every morning – even weekends and days off – then go to bed when you’re tired. Eventually your bedtime will turn out to be X hours before you need to get up, with X being the amount of sleep your body needs.
  3. Do not drink alcohol to get to sleep. It knocks you out at the time, but creates wakefulness a few hours later.
  4. Take a look at other stimulants in your life, like nicotine (ahem – another reason to quit smoking, if you needed one) and caffeine. People who have problems sleeping should not be consuming caffeine after about 2 PM.
  5. Your bed should be for two things only, sleep and sex. If you’re not doing one or the other, get out of bed and repeat #1.

Follow this routine for a month, and your sleep schedule should straighten out. If it doesn’t, there may be more serious problems (sleep apnea, etc.), and you should see your doctor.

5

He says it doesn’t work, but it does. He’s like me, he lacks the willpower to stick to it, but it does work. If you force yourself to get up at 7am every day, even weekends, even holidays, even mornings after nights when you go to bed at 2am, and (this is key) DO NOT NAP, you will sleep when you go to bed at night. It just sucks, royally and totally. But it is the only real solution to the problem. He needs to take himself in hand and discipline himself. It’s very hard, and I’m not really completely successful at it either.

6

Is he anxious or depressed?

I have had the same sleep problem for years - I can fall asleep fine (probably because I’m exhausted) but I can’t stay asleep. Once I wake up (to pee, or attend to my daughter, or whatever) I start thinking / worrying / replaying my day and can’t stop.

My doctor suggested I take an antidepressant to help me cope with daily stress (she believes I also have mild depression) and then a sleeping pill for occasional use only, if my antidepressant makes me too wired. She said being more alert and happier and productive during the day may lessen my middle of the night worrying.

I’d say I used to have problems sleeping 5 nights out of 7. Now I have problems sleeping maybe 1 or 2 nights out of 7. (I take half a sleeping pill maybe 2 nights out of 7).

And I agree with other posters, watching TV or using the computer will wake his brain up even more, due to the brightness of the screens - those are the two worst things you can do when trying to fall asleep. Reading stimulates the brain as well, but if it’s enough of a distraction to help him relax, then it might do the trick.

I wish him luck, I know it’s hell. :frowning:

7

Is there any way he might have sleep apnea? Does he choke at all when he sleeps? Snore? My husband did both and it really interrupted his sleep. He recently started working out almost every day and, as he began losing weight, his apnea got better and he stopped choking at night. He still snores, but not nearly as loud. So, perhaps your SO could try getting some exercise as well (preferably 3-4 hours before he hits the sack; working out too close to bedtime can keep you up, too). On days my husband works out, he sleeps like a rock and wakes up feeling much more refreshed than on days he doesn’t.

I also agree with those who have stated that he should avoid TV and the computer. The artificial light can wake you up. Also, if what you’re doing is too interesting to you, it can make you lose track of time so you stay up too late. Perhaps instead he could try a boring book or doing something quiet and calm in a dim room (maybe a warm bath?).

8

I’ve struggled with this all my life, and unfortunately the only thing that’s worked for me is Ambien. Half a tablet and I’m out, without the benadryl-like grogginess the next day. But yeah, I did find myself becoming dependent on it, so now I only take it when I absolutely can’t afford to stay up until 6am.

I sometimes wonder if it’s partially the effect of working a desk/computer job (and then coming home and jumping right in front of the computer). I notice when I spend my weekends or vacations out and about, I can get to sleep with no problems. But in my everyday life, I think I spend so much time being sedentary in front of a glowing screen that it affects my sleep cycle.

9

I suggest he get a good book on meditation. There are many types of meditation, so if one doesn’t work, he might try others. But with diligence, he can stop the mind from working over time.

10

It’s possible he just doesn’t need that much sleep, and any attempt to go to bed at a normal time throws off his rhythm. For example, my husband needs only about 4 hours of sleep per night. So I go to bed much earlier than he does. He will sit and read by my side for a while, then I drift off to sleep and he gets up and does whatever he does.

If your boyfriend could figure out about how much sleep he usually needs and try to establish a pattern, that would probably help.

When my mind is racing and I can’t sleep, I find that tryptophan helps. Also people have used melatonin to reset their sleep cycle (you can Google reset sleep cycle).

11

I frequently have similar problems and I’ve found that the best solution for me is to simply do more exercise during the day. Any day that I go for a 5km run or do a spin class I go to sleep much more easily and much earlier that night. I don’t expect that it’s that simple for everyone, but it helps me.

12

Thanks for all the responses.

To answer a few things:
He doesn’t ever snore unless he’s got a horrible cold, so I don’t think sleep apnea is a problem. He’s been avoiding caffeine and he doesn’t have any other sources of stimulants that we can think of - doesn’t smoke or drink, no medications. He runs a couple of miles every 2-3 days. There’s no TV in the bedroom and we only use the bed for sleeping and lovin’. No depression or anxiety issues.

The regular wake-up time is a good idea and we’re going to give it another try. Looks like I’ll be in the role of enforcer, forcing him out of bed, which will not be much fun! What you said about TV and computer possibly making the problem worse actually makes a lot of sense. He usually does computer stuff when he’s up all night because he figures he may as well be productive. But productivity isn’t the point - sleeping is!

So we’ll see if a few weeks of forced early-wake-up helps. I really hope it does!

13

There are some OTC things that may be helpful - I’d still recommend not using them every night all the time unless required - but while he establishes sleep patterns.

The herb valerian works pretty well at calming down the brain.

Melatonin is a hormone your body releases when its time to sleep. You can buy it OTC.

Benedryl works great for some people - and if he sees a doctor will (in all three cases where I’ve ended up getting prescriptions for sleeping pills) will probably be the doctor’s first suggestion for medicating anyway.

14

I’m not an insomniac, but I’ve had luck falling asleep with books on tape or CD. Also I’ve run across articles (no citation - take with grain of salt) stating that we have several sleep cycles a night. Where most people cycle up to light sleep two or three times, other people will wake up. If they can stay drowsy and calm, accepting the waking as part of the cycle, they can drift back off and keep the cycle going. That’s the point where the audiobook helps me.

I used to be able to listen to a fair bit of a book at night. But as it has become part of my falling asleep ritual, I get to hear less and less a night.

15

I have the same problems your boyfriend does, and I’ve been dealing with it for about 15 years. Twickster’s suggestions are all on point, especially #5. I’ve been doing pretty well for about a month, but I know it’s just a matter of time before that first night that I won’t be able to sleep, and the cycle will last for a few weeks. Melatonin works sometimes, *Simply Sleep *from Tylenol sometimes works but makes me a little dopey in the morning, sometimes sex works, sometimes I go downstairs to read, sometimes a couple glasses of wine, but sometimes I just have to wait it out until about 3:00 a.m. Sucks when I have to be up at 6 every day, but that’s the cycle.

Good luck to both of you.

16

I have the same problem with not being able to switch my brain off even when I’m desperate for sleep and my eyes are aching with the lack of it. I am yet to find anything that helps on a regular basis, though I should say that, like your boyfriend, I have not sought any prescription medication as I am almost certain I would become dependant upon it and only occasionally take an OTC ‘quick knockout’ pill if I must.

So far only two things have really ever worked for me. The first is: a long solitary walk. I go in the evening a little after dinner and always walk for at least an hour, often more. This gives me some good alone time to just let my brain go without stressing about having to stop thinking and get to sleep, which is a vicious cycle. Plus the mild exercise is good and a little tiring without being exhaustive. I eventually hope to train my brain that walking-time is thinking-time. However, I love to walk and live in a nice place to do it and those things are not true for everyone. Also, the winter weather in many places makes this impractical for significant portions of the year.

The other thing is rain or rain-sounds. I noticed a few times that if it was raining steadily I found it calming and a little easier to sleep. Since then, I have obtained some of those slightly cheesy ‘nature sounds’ recordings of rain and storms and have them playing when I try to sleep. This is better than watching TV or listening to music for me, both of which involve too much mental commitment for me to fall asleep to.

Neither of these things work every time - but I’d give them about a 50% success rate and they are the only things I’ve had any real success with at all. The exact nature of the activities is probably personal, so you could maybe suggest that he try to find an evening activity that allows his brain to purge itself freely in the way my walking does for me or finding out if there is some sort of “white noise” that would replicate the effect that the rain noise has on me. My housemate uses a fan when he can’t sleep. Though, that would depend on if that sort of thing would disturb your own sleep. Plus, I know there are people who would find it maddening as opposed to calming.

I wish you luck and I hope you can figure out something that works for him.

17

Question does he has restless legs?

I have a lot of the same troubles as the boyfriend of the OP, I would take hours for me to fall in sleep, getting up at the same time is crucial, sport helps a lot too.

But my mother recently started taking medicine for restless leg syndrome, and reading up on it; I discovered that I had a lot of the same symptoms. But was never paid any attention to it, or make the connection with my inability to fall asleep.
I’m not ready to take drugs,

But since I read this I sleep with a extra cushion that I squeeze between my legs, and it seems to help with the micro spasms that kept me from falling asleep, other things that help me are extra blankets and lying on my stomach